Just A Note . . .

to say I'm around. I'm using 'old Betsy' who has gotten much more reliable since I bought Mr Smarty Pants new lap top. Who is difficult to reckon with, might even get sent back to his maker. Ms Betsy says "No problem, honey, I can take care of yuh".

I'm going away this wknd so maybe by next week will be back in a routine.

Nothing Comes on My Time Line, A Good Thing

Still having computer woes, think the modem is not installed correctly but since my computer guru is young and all, I will keep it to myself. Okay, I mentioned it twice but I'm not bringing it up again. Am going out of town this weekend so will take my new baby on the road and see if his performance is still spotty.

I find myself debating some of my habits. Who do I choose for friends, what is it that they value in me. How do I spend my time. I am more involved in the process of art than I am interested in 12 step meetings. How do I say goodby in some parts of my life.

Man, I'm tired. I really like it when things stay the same and then about 5 minutes later I get itchy with it and reach out for change. Then I get scared that I'll never be able to handle it, control it? Long for structure. Get structure. Long for change. Reach out, well you get the idea.

Listen, the coolest thing happened today. I am on facebook (I refuse to honor it with a capital letter) only because I could not successfully remove myself from that network. So, today I was contacted by my date for my 8th grade dance. We were both tortured by it and apparently it still takes up space in our heads. I didn't tell him that I never had another date or went to a dance until I was well out of school.

What's good about today is that my heart is in recovery not in illness. I am blessed and often have the grace to realize it.

I Am Back, I Am Front, I Am Sideways

Hi, I'm back. Very grumpy instead of being grateful. I have a brand new laptop. I had to have my son help me (asking for help, agghhh) do the most basic start up tasks. I don't like how everything looks because it looks all stretched out and different (different, agghhh).

I am so irritable that I just unplugged the refrigerator because it was annoyingly loud. I could have moved but I demand that my environ conform to me (agghhh).

But I'm happy to report that despite my short temper and frustration I really am grateful for this world, it's gentle blessings and the pleasures of being a spiritual being trying to live a physical life. My phone buddy and I are both undergoing a lot of changes in our patterns and perceptions and it is exhausting to both of us. The content varies for us but it has similar characteristics primarily around the mystery of how one gets comfortable when one's usual thinking and reactions don't work anymore. One is uncomfortable, that's what happens! It makes your fucking skin crawl and that should be the title of this post.

And what's good about today is that sooner or later you feel all right. You shed the crawly skin. You plug in the refrigerator. The bad times don't last so long, come so often or cut so deep. And you are definitely not returning back to where you were. Because we are part of the miracle, we have the spirit in our belly and we are growing.

I'll Be Back Momentarily

My lap top is on strike, doesn't like it's new USB thingie after all. How can it be okay one day and not on another. Sounds like it's human.

What's good about today is a good credit card because sometimes a new something is the way to go. And another good thing about today is a pen and paper because I write every day am and pm, in pre-Nanowrimo training. So, it's all good. But you knew that.

Love That Old Time Rant and Roll

You wouldn't believe how many clicketty clicks that it took to get back to you. I was ready to kick my blankety blank laptop into the blankety blank street. But now I'm on and in and soothed and love my quirky old buddy. Maybe not exactly love as tolerate.

As healthy as I get, I take my pathology with me. Today was a stay at home and take a break from stimulation day. Did some nice writing, rereading the last chapter I did in Artist's Way, got acquainted with my camera and took time to watch a DVD. The DVD, When Night Is Falling exceeded my expectations, took me down memory lane, had to watch the bonus stuff.

So, at 1:30 I panicked. I hadn't gotten into any of the stuff that I was going to nail down this weekend. I hurried out for my long walk, kept stopping to see if I could take a pic with new camera and finally permitted myself to turn around and come home since my interest today was not mileage. I did come home a way that I never had before and counted that as progress.

What bugged me was that I had no PRODUCT, no ACCOMPLISHMENT that my ego could show off today. What's good about today is that even though I have to go through a little Hell to get there, I can be proud of opening books instead of finishing them.

Oops

Recovery means living with the fact that you made a mistake, making an amend if necessary and forgiving yourself immediately. I get lots of practice.

What's good about today is treating myself like a cherished friend.

I'm Back Up!!

Didn't mean to miss a day but my USB thingie had been hanging on by a thread (knocked it off the bed which split off the plastic casing leaving it's naked little circuit board hanging on at a 90 degree angle) for months until it dropped off yesterday.

It was the non-perfect end to a non-perfect day for which I will take credit. Julia Cameron talks about being self-destructive in perfectly socially acceptable ways and I watched myself participate in that yesterday.

1) Over-worked, ignoring my fatigue, then

2) Full grocery shop list instead of just picking up milk, ignoring my good ideas, then

3) Evening get-ready-for-college workshop that my son would not attend, ignoring the inner voice that asked me why am I going if he isn't.

This is treating myself in a self-destructive manner. Yes, I got a lot accomplished but at a cost to my peace and sanity that was not worth it at all.

What's good about today is that I learned from yesterday. I did not accept unacceptable behavior from myself.