This and That

Book Recommendation, just finished The Spiral Staircase, My Climb out of Darkness by Karen Armstrong. It's her story of her spiritual journey, beginning of her departure in 1969 from a Catholic convent when she was in her mid 20's and evolving into a writing and television career, she has written on Islam and Buddha, her work has translated into 40 different languages.

I need to really hit my transcription process this weekend. My plate has been full. Last night took Mom shopping for mattress. Tonight worked with son putting together TV stand but did get on treadmill for 20minutes and out to store to run yet more errands. Got home and noticed empty beer bottle by sink. Was it the 17 year old or the 88 year old?

I find it hard to be 'nice' to my mom because I haven't had much practice. It's time to practice.

Evening Out, Coming Back to Center

Just a note to say that I am busy, busy but not crazy today. Took Mom out to look for a new mattress. She's SO funny around people that she doesn't know. Her social skills aren't that hot and sometimes she comes off like Maude, that character in a line of greeting cards.

We were talking in the car about something and she said, "You make the decision, I will support you. I'm not saying wholeheartedly, but I support you." That's about as good as it gets. Can't argue with a grandma who takes her pills and still washes! My dog loves her, his Cocker Spaniel stub of a tail vibrates and his whole butt shakes when she gets up in the morning, 'that's my new girl, he says, we hang out all day together!'

I can hardly believe how angry I was just a couple days ago. It's humbling and that's what's good about today.

Tuesday, Tuesday

Well, I'm a bit better today, even though many things did not please the big imperial me. It's back to practicing non-resistance, back to acceptance. I invited brain disease into my life and look what it's acting like . . . brain disease. What a surprise for the big 'I am' who thinks that she can absorb any troubles without effect.

It's that I can think so much of myself and so little of myself at the same time that amazes me.

I'm Pretty Ticked

I said what I meant and I meant what I said and I tried not to say it mean but I said it damned firmly.

And I feel guilty because she's sick and I have this totally unrealistic expectation of MYSELF that I should just gently point out her errors and move along.

I came home to find that she took down the xmas tree after I said that it would stay up until I wanted it down. Later, while my son and I were on an errand, she made a fire (in the wood stove), we never discussed starting fires. I was upset. Furious. Boundaries have been violated, echoes of previous violations that I feel but don't remember. My rights are valid.

I am upset. I'm particularly annoyed because she plays the trump card 'I forgot'. Interesting what gets remembered, what gets forgotten.

The good thing about today is that it is over.

200 Posts

Whoopee, a birthday of sorts! Got on my computer early thinking that I would resume re-writes on my novel. I resist putting novel in quotes because of my coda-ish need to denigrate things that I do that makes me want to not give it true validity. I need to keep up self talk, I am a writer, I write a blog, I wrote a Nano novel, I am now in re-writes.

Can I tell you this and then I will move on to another subject, as you know my re-writes are beginning by simply getting them out of two handwritten notebooks onto computer. The joy of seeing my words in black and white is fantastic. My first goal is to simply, hah!, get it transcribed so that I can print it out and truly look at what is, what stays, what goes. Truly good stuff, but look at me blogging and reading other's stuff.

Example of my mother's co-da stuff, she walks through two rooms to find me to ask if the TV volume is bothering me. I say no, think about it, walk to her room and ask if she wants me to turn it down for her. With relief she says, YES, thank you. Now, I know that it is partly the disease of dementia but I recognize the Eileen in it.

So, as lovely as it is to chat with you (Sherlock Holmes is a great movie for chicks, guys, teens--is Guy Ritchie ready to remarry?) I have to leave and do my heart's work. What's good about today is getting down to business, my business.

Another Sexy Post!

Diane Eck, Rosemary Mahoney and Emmett Fox all followed me home today. I ventured into an off price book store and brought them home. Rosemary, I've met before. She wrote an awesome book about religious pilgrimages that she took in a year to reconnect with her Catholicism.

Mr Fox has been a heavy hitter in Kathy Lynn's life (Kathy, schnook'ms, we miss you) and that's recommendation enough for me, I believe he is in Prayer Girl's library as well.

I think I've heard of Ms Eck. Mostly she was right THERE where Meister Eckhart should have been. I took it as a sign. And so for under $6 I have all the wisdom in the universe that I will ever need. It will see me through this snowstorm anyway.

Part of the blessing of my Sat am meeting is that I have an hour ride to get to it and listen to NPR on the way. A writer of a book about the importance of conversation was talking and saying that a good conversation feels good in that it releases the hormone oxytocin which is released during other, ahem, pleasurable experiences. He defines a good conversation as one in which there is mutual appreciation of uncertainty. It brings up so much of what meetings and the fellowship has meant to me. Thank you, praise to my higher power for bringing me this far.

What's Good About Today?

Well, in a perfect world I could have blogged yesterday, the last day of the year, to give it a proper send off. Instead, I was immersed in that last day and wrang it dry. My work day was full and by the time I touched base with family and friends I hit the wall at about 8:30. Topped it off with a perfect caffeine free Diet Pepsi, looked over at the computer and said, "Even for you, I am too tired".

Sounds like I have a lover, doncha' think?

And, do you know, I woke up this am not feeling rested or spiffy. Looking at how I spent yesterday is where I will take my lesson. I spent it diving head-long in different directions at work. I spent my other options eating rich food from the last bit of fruitcake for breakfast (homemade w/pecans, apricots, dates marinating in port for last month) to the dinner out in the evening. It crossed my mind that I could stop at the gym or walk around the block and it crossed right out of my mind.

Putting self care first is hard. For me, it means making wholesome choices and turning down old habits. If I can remember that with that little bit of effort I feel refreshed and in step with the Carol-ness that my creator gave me, I can truly enjoy my life. I can truly live each moment that I'm given. Sounds like a New Years Resolution.