Oil and Water

You know I've been feeling quiet and haven't been posting with regularity. I have nothing much to say, my morning pages are similarly thin. My energy is still taken up with tasks to settle mother in to my home.

I found some of the Lifeline and the pendant on the garage floor. Maybe it is the whole idea of sustaining life that is repellent to her. No, that's not fair. It has been a task to see how sour I've become over this experiment in living. Yesterday, I was too dirt tired to look anyone in the eye when I got home.

Part of my disappointment is that though we are both well intended, we have great difficulty discussing the simplest things. I don't remember ever having a significant talk with her about anything, ever. That's at least partly what drove me to leave home at seventeen, not being able to meet on any plane except the 'what's for dinner' one. Emotional poverty. Such pain she must have had in her life, she overdosed when I was 4 or 5 and my sisters were in their late teens. She left home when I was 12 or 14. Just left a note for my dad, then came back in a couple weeks. My gut feeling is still that she is vacant and sneaky.

My work partner and I are quite separated right now, she will be leaving soon and we are spared the continued effort of pretending to be a couple in our two person department. We have a mutual friend who feels saddened to see us distanced from each other. I was relating how I felt affronted by a comment my co-worker had made and my friend observed that we were like oil and water. Of course, I'd rather that we be viewed as GOOD and EVIL but the longer I thought about the analogy the more I liked it.

And today I can apply the same analogy to my mother and me. Not good and bad, just two different substances, both liquid but distinctly separate, sharing only the margin that outlines us.

What's good about today is that there are others in my life with whom I connect. I have relationships inside and outside of program that matter a great deal to me.

Sunday Thoughts

My life is good. I pray for myself and others that we might have hope in our hearts, faith in the God of our understanding and the ability to give and receive from others. Blessed be, all we have is this moment.

Suddenly Saturday

Thank you for your supportive comments on the last post. As a recovering co-dependent I felt very guilty about voicing negative views in the course of giving my opinion. My internal critic works overtime to beat every would-be critic to the punch. I have a background, and I have heard that you do too, that does not expect a loving response when I voice my opinion. Thank you for being part of my healing process, the universe provides what we need when we need it.

The lacking a loving response when I am brave enough to be me is now personified with my mother being with me (I have been writing a lot of lousy sentences like that since Nano, I choose to believe that it part of my growth process, I am writing like a caterpillar at the moment, gotta wait for the butterfly part). She has been acting out this past week, starting with last weekend blasting me for doing other work on the house instead of 'finishing' her room first, cresting with the tantrum a couple days ago about installing the life line alert system and culminating last night with admitting to taking 'an axe' to said system and cutting her telephone cord.

The lapse in social inhibition is partially explained by dementia but there is her true self there as well. The worse she is, the more validated I feel that this is someone that I left at age 17 and have felt no real affection for since. I slept with a chair against my door last night, I trust nothing when people start throwing words around like axe.

What's good about today is that I can take care of myself, talk to others and feel my higher power's love.

Well . . . It Got Me Out of the House

The Alanon meeting that I attended tonight focused on Step 9 questions in one of the step books. The nature of the questions and the nature of the shares highlighted belly button gazing and mental masturbation. Most of these folks have been in 5+ years and a few 15+ years in the program and for God's sakes if you haven't gotten your amends straightened out by now, I support them putting it on the back burner. Speaking for myself, I start to smell the odor of narcissism. Did I hurt myself, did I hurt others. Who knows, there are no mistakes in God's world, what happened happened, including the amends that did or did not happen. I'm wise not to exaggerate my importance in other people's lives.

Keep a strong Step 10 in action and look back but don't stare.

My primary relationship is with my higher power, the rest of my life pales in comparison.

Shhh, Quietly Now . . .

Sometimes it's just a good day when you don't lose your temper, not even once. It was peaceful and quiet in a productive way and that's what's good about today.

Growing Pains?

I ran away from home to see Where the Wild Things Are. Cried all the way through it. Too much for this child, I was always afraid he was getting hurt, I was afraid because his heart was so hurt, I saw myself, my son, my mother, my friends. I thought the descriptor of visually arresting meant that it would be beautiful. It was quite brown and sad.

I ran away to cheer up. I am so unsettled. That's not saying much, if I have an overdue library card I am unsettled. Can you tell I am not from the alcoholic sector of this blogger world? Interesting that some are talking about honestly. My blogging is honest. I have no interest in making anything up.

It's just another day in the final analysis. Some oldie like Krishnamurti was asked how he kept his equanimity, he replied that he guessed that he wasn't bothered too much how things worked out. Sounds good.

He would have made it through that movie just fine.

What's Good About Today?

Pandora Radio surprising me with old favorites, time for re-writes, Steve's remember when story, a fire in the wood stove, a plan for supper, some retail therapy and a good morning meeting. For all these earthly pleasures, I am grateful.

Saturday, the joy of being home during daylight hours, my cocker spaniel buddy, my mother and son who overlook my crankiness, my lovely slim tower Dell that brings me all of you. For this, I am thankful.

Chores yet to do, a job that challenges and rewards me, my beloved friends in all their disguises, Mother Nature in all her glory, bright and dark sides. For this I give thanks.