Starting the Day Off Right

Why is it that we do not want to do the things that will help us? Someone mentioned that to me a year ago, his name was Hugh and he came to the morning meeting for a couple weeks and I never saw him again. I remembered it because it was so simple and so true.

My norm has always been to get up eagerly to get into the day. For the last six months I've had trouble with that, don't want to get going, would rather stagnate in bed.

But this morning I woke up hearing my name called. I believe that someone in the meeting was thinking of me. Off I went.

And that's what's good about today.

Six Word Saturday

Okay, some of you are saying 'It's Sunday', I know, I know, here goes and please forgive the grammar . . .

'I SHOULD . . . all over my self

One of my character defects that underpins my need to be in judgement mode, I practice on myself. Thinking about what I should be doing puts me right into analysis paralysis. It's also a way of practicing unacceptable behavior. I seldom suggest that someone else 'should' do something but I am constantly 'shoulding' on myself, as the founder of Gestalt School of Psychology, Fritz Perls observed.

What's good about today is that I can try to be a better friend to myself. Makes sense?

Hope

At the morning meeting today I was able to say that what's good about today is program, I gave them my neighbor's story of loss and said that with the help of program there is hope, without program-not so much.

It occurs to me that any when a minority does not receive equal opportunities we are cheated out of knowing them and civilization limps along with the benefit. When addiction takes someone out, it is the same. If the figures of 1 out of 10 are correct then we lose all the help of those parents, those good hearts, those people who could have helped build our future while instead they are sedated, jailed or dead.

I love the people at my meeting. They, like me, have been brought to their knees. We are kin of the same higher power. If I didn't know them, I would not know people in recovery, I would not believe in transformation.

And that it is earned and kept a day at a time.

Another Sad Story

My neighbor and her husband are a tad older than me, they moved in about 6 years ago. Her eldest had a heroin habit, he had been clean for a number of years and had relapsed big time a couple years ago. I invited her to an Alanon meeting and she and her husband went to another one later.

I'm not close with her and don't think that they ever made a 12 step program part of their life. She's pretty fearful and glued to her cell phone so we really don't talk much but she and her husband have always been good neighbors and helped me out with the house.

She came over to talk in the driveway to tell me that her son had passed away about a week ago. He was traveling by bus to try to make some things right with his wife and children. They had texted a couple times and then he was out of contact. He never got off the bus. They found his body in the bathroom when the bus returned to it's point of origin in New York.

Yes, addiction is a real disease. And it's everywhere.

Six Words Says It

This Moment Is All We Have

My son is thinking, just thinking, he says, of going into the army. I feel privileged that he would share this with me. He hasn't spoken to anyone else. I understand that he wants to get away and to sign on to what sounds like a solution. I think he would not be considering this if he was employed and if he was not racking up consequences.

Even a year ago my peace-lovin self would have been offended at the thought of my only child giving his body and future to the military. But now I accept God's will over my own, I do not know the wisdom or the folly of anything, I was not appointed to judge. For some reason, through the ages, humans keep banding together and rationalize bearing arms. It's beyond me but I accept it.

The Black Belt Story

(First, let me thank my commenter for his gracious words, I want to make my anti-depressant a moral issue and that is probably stupid, umm, unfair.)

Ten years ago when I came into Alanon it was because I needed to cope with an alcoholic girlfriend. Surprisingly, one of the gifts of 'the program' is that it made me a better parent. I've learned to pick my fights, saywhatyoumean/meanwhatyousaybut don'tsay it mean and reserve judgement. In all areas of my life it's good to remember to lighten up.

That said, I gotta tell you, my kid is driving me nuts. In the past year and a half he has slowly but surely amassed a total of at least 3 minor to moderate car accidents, one ticket, a GPA that continues to drift down, lost or quit 2-3 (does it count if you don't start?) jobs. On St Patty's Day he had an ETOH related ER visit (found out when Aetna sent me an EOB) and this past weekend his (my) car was impounded because when he was pulled over for his ticket, he happened to have an unopened beer with him.

He believes that, metaphorically (his word, not mine) he needs to slow down. I agree.

I believe that 'this' must stop. He agrees.

I say that if you don't speed, you don't get a ticket; if you stay away from other cars, most accidents don't happen; if you don't drink, you don't get drunk. I say it's the same reality for all of us. I believe he was silent.

I say if there are any more car or alcohol incidents I need to think about taking away the car because I don't want anyone hurt. More silence.

Here are the gifts of the program, I didn't say every threatening thing on my mind because I was annoyed and knew it. I can hope this is just dumb senioritis stuff and not indications of a a deeper problem. I can have confidence that as time goes on and there are more challenges, my higher power and I will figure it out. I know that if the time comes, I will detach with love because to deny the truth and enable addiction is to delay recovery.

And most importantly, I know that I can have a happy life whether my alcoholic is drinking or not. So, you see, I didn't lay him out with my black belt--just flexing it a little.

I'm Not Sure . . .

if I'm starting to calm down or just legally stoned. You will notice that I seldom blog anymore, it doesn't feel like anything is happening or that I have anything to report. I had a good idea for a blog entry driving to work from the morning meeting and knew there was a good chance that I'd forget it by evening.

I'm lost in the fiction of Charlaine Harris, have read the first 5 Sookie books. It's damsel in distress stuff, rescued by handsome vampires or shape-shifters. Fun to think about parallel universes, I love that stuff. Sookie always gets smashed up at least twice in each book & then healed by the supernatural, I doubt that I could take the HBO version of the books (True Blood) as I don't watch women (or men) getting broken as entertainment but imagining it in my head is different. Kind of fuzzy around the edges.

Which brings me back to my first sentence. The anti-depressant is helping me sleep and I don't cry anymore. My brain is quieter, not always finding me things that I should do. Fewer shoulds is good. But I also lay around a lot. If my son was laying around, smoking pot, I would not approve. I can be legally lethargic and wander through my day unmotivated to do anything beyond sitting in the moment. Hey, that's not so bad.

My comfort is that whether on drugs or not, all is as it should be in God's world. My preference is to be less controlling and continue the drug experience, enjoy my ability to meditate and be satisfied with what each moment shows me, there is more to be revealed if I can be patient.
I guess it's not for me to decide what's good or bad, when it's time for something to change, it will unfold.

I had to use my Alanon black belt today but that is a story for another day.