Wise Words From Tolle

"Unease, restlessness, boredom, anxiety, dissatisfaction, are the result of unfulfilled wanting . . . intense wanting that has no specific object can often be found in the still-developing ego of teenagers, some of whom are in a permanent state of negativity and dissatisfaction."

He goes on to say, "No content will satisfy you, as long as the egoic structure remains in place. No matter what you have or get, you won't be happy. You will always be looking for something else that promises greater fulfillment, that promises to make your incomplete sense of self complete and fill that sense of lack you feel within."

I'm doomed. What's good about today is that I know I can't trust my thinking. Hah!

Blah

Is it the low pressure zone? The recent high school graduation of my son? I'm not sure that I've been to one since my own 35 years ago. The detachment I felt from the hoopla was the same.

I remembered the speeches about making your own indelible mark upon the world, words from the same voices that for 4 years had never said anything more significant than 'remember this for the test, you're only cheating yourself, everyone leave by single file'. I don't say this to be obnoxious, I was a good student, I just couldn't relate to school as anything more than a requirement met in a big old brick building as lonely as it was empty.

My son's outlook is a little milder, he is more social than I was, the only disciplinary issues that I've ever heard about him is that he had been a bit CHATTY with his friends. He's a strong silent male around me so I'm glad that he's social in some context of his life. But I doubt if even he that is chatty was struck by the chord of the graduation speakers as they spoke of the legacy that the class of 2010 leaves behind. It's freakin' high school, for God's sakes.

I feel displaced. That era ended and I'm making it all about me, was I a good enough mother? Yes, since he did actually graduate, has not been arrested or accused of murder--those are my standards for 'good mother'. If you comment to state that you are the mother of a murderer and also a good mother, I will grant that you probably were, I'm easy like that. It was just him and me in that crowded gymnasium, the only ones related to each other, his dad begged off a couple days ago. I think I'm feeling lonely. His father would not have sat with me but at least there would have been two of us in that crowd that know the baby pictures and the nicknames.

What's good about today is that I know that this too shall pass, I can continue to do the foot work to live a happy life and happiness will catch up with me.

Visitors Come to Roost

It's been a rocky few days, lost my emotional sobriety over some stuff at work. I hadn't thought about blogging on it until I read Syd's post ( I'm Just F.I.N.E. ) today, scroll down to the bottom and read the poetry that gives the analogy of being a guest house. People, places, things, thoughts come into us, stay awhile and then move along. I've been visited by martyrdom this week.

Martyrdom doesn't visit me that often, I'm a youngest child--I evade responsibility when possible. Anyway, I know I can be a tad serious at work. Meaning that others have mentioned that to me. Through the decades. Okay, something to pray about.

As I said in a meeting, I am the star victim in my story. So, I've been a big poop at work, a joy to be around and I've not been able to shake it. The answer to me is that I need to take better care of myself. I put in for a week of vacation. And then I'll put in for another week in September. I've been amazingly miserly with myself, trying to fashion a long weekend here and there, going bullshit when it doesn't work out, accepting this bad behavior from myself that I would never accept from anyone else, all because I've not asked for help.

A gift was foisted on me yesterday. I now have to clock in like others, initially I took it as just one more _____ thing to remember. Today, I see it as a gift, I will have to clock in and out for lunch, one more reinforcement to take care of myself. I can work overtime if I need to and I will be paid for it. What a concept!!!!

So, let those guests come to my house, what's good about today is putting my agape to the test!

Third Time is the Charm

This is my 3rd start. Don't really recall what I want to say so **warning, warning** I will be random . . .

There but for the grace of God go I . . . I'm blessed not to have the disease of addiction, I was a dedicated amateur for ten years, from my late teens to my late twenties. By then my first marraige had ended, I was feeling glum enough not to want to add a hangover to it and so my drinking got less and less over each year. As the Big Book says, I was able to drink like a gentleman. Now I'm pretty random about it.

I have not attended an Alanon mtg in 4-5 months, maybe longer. It doesn't interest me except as my entry point into recovery. No one's drinking bothers me, if it comes up I know where I need to go. I invited active disease into my life for 28 months, its been gone for over five years, I've given back to the program with service etc for long enough, the meetings don't interest me. About a year ago, I was attending all three programs, Alanon, CoDA and a daily open AA mtg. Now it only the morning AA mtg that I attend. I find plenty to think about there, ego, isolation, depression, hope and discovery.

What's good about today is that I have a relationship with my higher power and it's manifestation through other people, I am at curious peace when I follow his (her, their) call.

"Why indeed must 'God' be a noun? Why not a verb . . .the most active and dynamic of all?--Mary Daly, Theologian

I posted yesterday but a satellite burped at the wrong time and wouldn't let me publish it or save it, hasn't happened to me in awhile. I'm fortunate to not have that happen with the regularity that it seems to hit some others. It reminds me that like many an alcoholic I am not grateful for the simple ease of my life in many respects.

A few months ago I was pontificating that I should sell my house, get a nice easy apartment, yahda, yahda. A little part of me would tell myself, 'you're just fried because your mom is here, you're desperate, my son will be out of school, it's your nature to be easily unhinged, don't talk about it because you'll come back to Earth'. And I was right about that, now I consider myself lucky to be where I am.

And I'm chastened. The neighbors who lost their son put a for sale sign up on their house. They lament moving but feel that they will lose it soon and are feeling the pull to be closer to family. So, I'm brought up short. What for me are musings and daydreams that I mock-torture myself with are the solid realities that others come up against.

A message that I need reminding came up in today's meeting, Let Go & Let God. Don't worry about making plans and what I think I need to perfect my life. And just as quickly I forget it. Now, only 3 hours later, I am beating myself up over what I need to get done. Caught myself thinking that I can't be both a mellow person and a task master at the same time.

Which brings me closer to God? What's good about today is that I know the answer, I might not like it but I know that I need to be as kind to myself as I am to others and that I can remember that each moment is to be lived as a gift, not as a problem to be solved.

In Memoriam to Lost Addicts

I think that the afflicted and the affected should have a special Memorial Day to honor the losses of those cut down before their prime. That is something so sad, similar to the deaths of children and those who serve their country, that people die before experiencing the gifts of life through it's cycles.

Once you can separate the person from the disease it is easier to love the person for who they were, their intrinsic self, as distinctive as a fingerprint. The neighbor put up a For Sale sign on their house today, they have lived there seven years plus one death. My bet is that they want to go back to PA to take care of their fatherless grandchildren and daughter-in-law.

I don't know, I never did understand them, I have to remember that I'm not qualified to judge, that's what's good about today.

Attitudes & Expectations

Today's page in Courage to Change, an Alanon daily reader, talks about resentments. It defines an expectation as a pre-meditated resentment. I don't have many expectations right now. Some of the ones that I have are those that I have of myself such as expecting that I would have painted the upstairs by now (four months since I bought the paint). It doesn't matter that I have a good work ethic etc,etc, I get on my case about what I haven't done. Now, I think that it's quite possible that it's just not important to me.

Someone was asking me if I was worried about my son joining the army.I hadn't thought about it much lately and I said I had given it to God and knew that whatever decision made would be the right one. He's a long time AA-er, gave me a quizzical look because he drives himself crazy over his son out there using.

What's good about today is that we're all different and we're all the same. Or, we're all insane?!