The 'It Doesn't Matter' Club

I went to the alkathon on Wednesday night and heard several speakers who had relapsed and I heard them use the words 'it didn't matter'. It resonated because it has been in my thoughts this week.

What I had to do was talk about it out loud in the meeting.

There is no doubt in my mind that if it weren't for my meeting membership and involvement, I would have drank. Not because life is hard, yadda, yadda. Simply because I don't care that much, it doesn't matter. It's the club that I belonged to before I ever took a drink. If I had no group to look in the eye, I would have drank but, the thing is that I made a public pledge, I picked up a chip awhile back and each month, I have picked up another chip. I have to believe that it matters because if I put them to a vote, they would vote that it does. So, I suspend my own disbelief and follow the wisdom of the group. They carry me on the days or weeks that I don't care.

And I know one thing which is, whether I reach long term sobriety or not is not of interest to me. Today, just for today, a drink is not going to benefit me. Each day, that is the truth for me.

Glory Be!

Transformative Weekend still having it's effects. Three days in a row of moving, personal conversations with patients at work. Still soft around the edges where there used to be bristling. What I realize is that if I really look into people's eyes and speak from spiritual place, just say the words that come to my mind, I make personal connection that I never have before.
And it's me speaking. Not platitudes.

And . . . interesting thing . . . for whatever reason, this morning at the meeting I had to come clean and say that I didn't think that I was going to drink because I'm getting a chip on Friday but that I'm thinking about it a lot. Drinking, not the chip.

Thinking things like 'it doesn't matter', past holiday/winter drinks floating through my brain. Last winter, I discovered adding brandy (or anything!) to eggnog to cut the sweetness. How adult of me. It was really good. It's not fair that I just discovered it last year and I have to give it up so soon.

So, I took the risk of opening up to the group. Some of them have seen me through the whole 4 years that I've been going there. The years that I identified myself as Carol, Alanon-CoDA.

I have one thing in common with the old timer. It's a day at a time. Today, I have no real interest or plan to imbibe any substance, it would not add anything good to my day. Beyond that, I can't commit to any pledges, it still an experiment to me. One worth continuing.

With that said, I have to leave you. It's time to slap some food together and take it to the St Lucy's Alkathon, I'll be a little late for the kick off but there will be a seat for me no matter what time I arrive.

Transformative Weekend

For the past couple months I've been under the care of a body worker that does mind/body/soul work. Shift your energy-get it out-pray it up kind of stuff. She recommended a local weekend retreat co-lead by her in association with the Shalom Mountain organization in the Catskills.

Wow. It was an overwhelming, head-spinning, get me out of here, I love you/I hate you, give me more kind of time. All I can really say is that the changes keep rolling out. My heart is softer, my attitude has lost it's edge (please God, keep it lost, one day at a time) and I love and thoroughly appreciate my life.

A work friend pulled me aside today and asked me if I was seeing someone because I seemed so vibrant and happy. For the first time in years, I would actually welcome that happening.

Relief, joy and radical acceptance a day at a time.

Nano Heads--see my Blog Roll for Help

This is me, the non-NaNoWriMo member with a Kool-aid stand handing out refreshment at mile 21. A great blogger, generous woman, now published author, seasoned NaNo writer blogged on revision tips. First rule, complete your novel no matter what. You can't revise thin air. She is on my Blog Roll as Yarn a Gogo.

She's a knitter, what can you say? I started reading her years ago, she was my first and only for quite some time. She has many ideas, so if there is anything in her post that you can warm yourselves on, my day on this planet has not been in vain.

It has been a day. A wonderful day. An old man professed his love for his wife, thanked me for listening and then gave me an apple.

I am quite thankful for HeSheEverybodyGod and hishertheir tender mercies. That's what's good about today.

The Experiments Continue

Number One: The Friday after Thanksgiving will mark 5 months of no alcohol, no mind altering substances, prescription or otherwise. I still view it as an experiment. But I took my temperature today and, no, alcohol is still not a neutral subject and so the experiment continues.

Number Two: I returned home today from a local version of a Shalom Mountain retreat. It was awful, I feel wonderful. It moved me to send an email of gratitude to an old girlfriend who I haven't seen in a number of years.

I am convinced of magic.

Your Life is Your Art

Time for me to take a break for awhile. The feel of my life is changing for the better. The anxiety eases as I relax into my inner authority, my grounding in source. I'm still reading your posts but feel less of a need or energy to write.

Hasta la vista, talk soon!

Interconnected

Lately I've stumbled across this, thankfully so as it gives me hope. I tear up when I realize that everything I think or touch or hold came through someones hands.

The house I live in was someone's idea and hard work. The coffee I drink was picked by someone far away and ground somewhere else and fills up a mug that came from somewhere else. The music streamed to me on Pandora is decades old, done by men and women who have passed on to something else.

My fingerprint is in the world also. But how can I ever feel alone when I think of the string of biological DNA that connects me to the stream of humankind and the bolt of cloth that is spun out of you and me that is us.

Alone and being ungrounded in source is just a delusion. I was lost and now am found.