A Wheel off My Wagon

It's fitting that it's the Sabbath and a time for me to surrender my best thinking and ask my God for help. My posts have been lagging in spirit and I have not felt like my best self for awhile. I feel preachy and shrill with an undercurrent of anger. Yesterday, my morning phone program buddy asked to be left off the hook. I've felt it coming, she says she wants to be alone with her turmoil, I just let her talk, she has a circular route she takes. I will miss this meeting of the minds in the morning. It has been important to me, a substitute sometimes for attending meetings.

My busy ego mind pressures to lead me down a dozen paths to peace but in this moment, I will agree to only one plan. Sticking to what has worked for me in the past I will plan for 30 meetings in 30 days. It's my best shot to start enjoying my life again.

Good Morning

Just a note to say hello. I realize how sleep deprived I am this week (covers on, covers off) and am going to take myself off the hook. Fueled by Doris Lessing and caffeine I am determined to type my manuscript until my fingers fall off.

Thanks, I Needed That!

A really big thanks to all of you who posted support. Your hugs and compassion are a reminder to be patient with myself. A hopeful program note is that my CoDa mtg has sprouted an offshoot on Wednesday nights in addition to Saturday morning, I'm really looking forward to that.

And a very big thank you to Ed (A Principled Life) for reminding me about self will run riot. I'm not an alcoholic but I'm full of self will and it is a reminder that I need to accept reality on reality's terms. When I run faster to feel better I am like that hamster on the wheel, getting tired but easier to keep running than to stop the wheel and risk doing things differently.

Even having just written the above sentiments, my sick mind wants to call the shots and bargain. It says, just let me finish painting my room, okay let me finish painting the 4 rooms that I have planned, just let me keep slamming thru February until my sister comes, and then I'll do this and then I'll do that, let me work really long tomorrow so that next week will be better. Always short changing the present to 'take care' of the future.

What's good about today is that we're not all crazy at the same time.

Arrgh

Just a very fatigued, almost crying in front of people kind of day. Didn't think of the Serenity Prayer but also didn't get into a car accident either. Got up at 5am after being awake for an hour, typed up some pages, talked to my program friend. Talked about how even we get sick of program, want life to be easy and quiet, I shared that I wondered if I am even tougher on myself because I have program affiliation, I have a larger sense of expectations. I honestly thought about throwing myself out today, just dissolving into my bad self. But I also could get outside of myself and remind me that it is fatigue and that's a killer for me.

Awareness is what's good about today, acceptance may be what's good about tomorrow.

A Pat on the Back

I'm up early today. My priority is writing everyday. This month I am typing my handwritten Nano novel. The joke is that it is taking me longer to do the typing than to write the original work. Little by slowly it comes but only if I sit down and do it. Agghh.

Have a good Tuesday everyone.

Woo Hoo

22 followers, thank you very much for that vote of confidence.

This woman has not been to a meeting for about 10 days. And has not spoken with her program phone friend for the same secondary to, ahem, phone problems. Thus it came to me this morning that the serenity prayer would be good to remember in anxious moments. It's funny how the habit of using it left me. Just the first couple of words do it for me, bring me into my right space and size.

Today it feels good not to be angry. What's good about today is that I'm not in pain and I can celebrate it with others.

Good Morning

Thought I better post at this point of optimism. The temp is rising from the 8 degrees of the morning. It's a home improvement weekend. We're hoping to get to 40 degrees and my neighborly carpenter will be installing the new side doors. It's the entry that we use all the time and they have never been a thing of beauty or efficiency. After 7 years I'm ready to upgrade!

Also, prepping my bedroom for painting tomorrow, ya hoo. Next weekend will be painting the computer room and possibly the family room downstairs including the red brick fireplace. Anyone painted a fireplace out there? Ultimately it might need more than that to raise the bar but a couple coats of paint is the first low tech treatment of choice.

My morning pages are mundane these days, having to do with color choices, finessing my mother's details, getting phone service restored. It is my inclination to pick up that baseball bat and use it upon myself, just name the reason, any reason will do. I am happy to report that I am aware of that tendency, accept my humanity and am much more successful in keeping my serenity. And sharing it.

My self care has included taking the afternoon off work due me, moving ever slowly forward on the mother/house tasks, not taking more on in an hour or a day than what I can tolerate. This week I stocked the frig with fruits & juices, the cupboard with nuts and dried berries and have prepared healthy comfort food all week. That alone has helped immeasurably.

It is not acceptable behavior to myself to re-tell mother tales, to perseverate on the dark side; I frankly don't have the emotional stability to risk riding that see-saw. My boundaries need patrolling, I re-directed a neighbor who wanted to give me 'poor you' stuff over my mother's needs. The Iyor (spelling?) approach of victim-hood wears out with me

And that's what's good about today. If you live in a warm climate, go skinny dipping for me, okay?