Thank You Thank You Thank You

One of the themes in the am meeting today was the feeling of family in 12 step programs. Ten years ago I found the friendship of 'aunts and uncles' in meetings that I had never had in biological family. They are now brothers and sisters and if I last another 10 years, I suppose I will have some program 'children'.

As I drove away, it struck me that a good meeting has a strong deep in the gut level of truth and, also, a reverence for higher power. I have been to many Alanon or CoDA meetings that degenerate into 'he said, she said and then I said' renditions, short on Experience, Strength and Hope.

What's good about today is that the morning meeting seldom disappoints and that I got a chance to speak my truth today.

Retreat, Revamp, Re-Enter

So, I was at the open AA meeting the other day and the discussion gravitated toward the unfamiliar habit of following instructions. It is a human trait to resist instructions whether they are in the Big Book or included with a toy you want to put together. It comes down to ego and it's relentless need to be 'right' even within the landscape of surrender.

The phrase 'my best thinking got me here' described me when I came into Alanon (and is why I cannot stray too far away). I was out of good ideas, in over my head and knew that the answers were beyond my experience. I was never a member who thought she had the right instructions, you know, I wasn't like the ones who want to tell their alcoholic exactly what they need to do.

What's good about today is that I've learned not to follow my busy brain into battle. Better that I hang back and use the rest of my senses to inform me. Even better is that I know that my higher power wants only the best for me and that each moment and action hold the opportunity for grace.

Update

Mom went back to Ohio this past weekend. I am immensely relieved but still feel like she's going to come round the corner, I caught myself feeling down about going home from work and then remembered that she is gone. It is all right now. Me, the man-boy, the fuzzy dog.

I'll go to the mtg tomorrow, I'll do whatever I want. I know she's just a fragile human. We all are.

Do You Feel Safe? Really?

I worry all the time. Needlessly, of course. It is an old habit. If I am to shake it, I really need to go to a higher powered place every day. I just erased a long post illustrating the issue of 'safety' for me. My next piece of art will be about being enveloped in the arms of abundance. I can't wait to feel better. That's what's good about today, hope.

Six Word Saturday

simply loved by one who knows

What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul

When my higher power feeds me, he feeds all of me--the sinner and the saint alike. He loves the parts of me I hide from the world and deny.

I paraphrased the above from a religious daily reader dated March 31st that states how feeding others is an intimate act and remarks how Jesus fed the one who would betray him. And goes further to say that it is important to recognize the Judas in myself, as I too turn against those who love me and hurt them . . . and often my betrayal is disguised as an act of affection.

Ahh the implications for alcoholics, alanoners and co-dependents. The honesty in 12 step meetings of sharing our broken parts is powerful. Where else in life am I given a platform to talk about my struggles, where I have missed the mark, where I owe amends? It is a relief to put my burden down and not have to pretend to be 'great'. We join hands at the end of our meetings, join voices and encourage each other to have a great week until we meet again.

What's good about today is that every part of me is loved, the sinner and the saint alike. My biggest task is to accept myself as easily as my higher power does.

(Very) Random Thoughts

1) Check out the pillars of creation, today's astronomy picture. Maybe it's the name that turns me on. Does anyone besides me use the term 'turns me on', takes me back to the TV show Laugh In and Goldie Hawn dancing in body paint.

2) I'm sad about bloggers thinking about quitting but so haven't I been a slacker lately. All things run their course in their mysterious, mostly unpredictable way. I can't even guess why I've slowed down.

3) My mom will be going back to Ohio in a couple weeks, I feel differently about that each day, sometimes regretful, sometimes not, sometimes twisted up in between. I found a stove burner on low the other day for no particular reason, yikes!

4) I'm experiencing my first holy week and an inner part of me is very still and listening intently.

5) As always, I have to love the moment, one by one they are terrific. And that is what is good about today.