Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Getting Back A Little at a Time

I can't leave my distraught holiday blog sitting there so I will cover it up with a new post. Dressing up for work helps me feel better, I've been doing it since Halloween. My outlook is more professional, I feel lifted up a notch when I throw together an outfit made up of my finest thrift store finds and 30 year old scarves.

Another pick me up is to have my food situation in good shape. By that, I mean, home cooked meals, nothing wasted, bright and fresh food to take with me to lunch and to come home to in the evening.

I only put out some of my simplest, favorite holiday decorations. They fit in one box, about a foot square. I think I'll push the extra two boxes in the attic and label it for my son. When he puts his own tree up, he will be pleased to see some of the things that he grew up with.

My busy, relief seeking mind wants to fix this glumness that hits me every year for at least the last decade. It's not a drug that will fix it, I just keep trying to come up with a strategy to make it different. Nothing works, though I try doing something new each year. This year the only thing different was that I did not imbibe or use any prescriptions.

Ten good months out of twelve is nothing to sneeze at! Acceptance has been tried before but it's all I got.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Annual Discomfort

Somewhere on this planet,Christmas has come and gone. And I have gone with it. I am honestly a nice person and also a church going person and I want nothing more than a normal day. I am a spoiled person,, I know, I want it my way. Am going to take a nap!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A Moment of Peace

As I left the house this morning I caught myself in a moment of gratitude. Briefly, I was thankful for the predictability of my daily life. I know that anything bad can happen at any time. My journey has been to distance myself from the constant fear of loss, a pattern of looking for potential risk at every moment, and a worry about missing 'a really good' life.

For just a moment I was comfortable in my own life, my own skin. I was not reaching out for more or criticizing what I have.

What if there was no turning back to the attitude of darkness?

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Blessings of the Season

Sorry for my absence. Tonight is crisp cold and the dogs and I are within 10 feet of the wood stove for hours at a time. Our millionaire football players are beating some other millionaire players and so all is right with the world.

The weekend is my sanctuary. I spent a couple nights at a friend's house, she had some surgery and is struggling to stay sober with 2 liquor stores and a bar within 1000 feet from her door. The area is a vacation destination and I would have a hard time staying sober there.

Anyhow I got the blessing of staying in a luxury area, talking program for hours on end and sharing history and confidences. And she's thanking me?

Isn't life good?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

December Bluesey Wilderness

Bad, bad mood the last couple days. Progression of the 'grumpy old lady' disease, this must be arrested but can never be cured, emotional sobriety a minute at a time . . . let me digress, please . . .

So, I was at a two hour Advent retreat today under the tutelage of Fr LaFonde, or something. You have to love a former SSJE monk who brags that he has flannel footy pjs with tiny pirates on them. It's the specifically tiny part that gets me.

Anywho, before I get to that, I have to tell you that I copped an immediate nasty resentment, see paragraph number one, about the church in which it was held. It's in the next town over, I used to go to a real stinko Alanon mtg there but never saw the sanctuary. It was decked out, all highly polished wood, soaring ceilings, big enough rooms to square dance, needle pointed altar pads. MAKES me sick seeing all that money decked out in the church when there is better use of it going to the needy.

The up side is that I am really thankful for my church, it's small, chairs not pews. People don't wear boiled wool sweaters and Birkenstocks. Things are plain, of the people, when we are a small group, we pass communion from one person to the next.

So, I got to the retreat this morning a few minutes early, put on my adhesive name tag, the parishioner ahead of me, says 'I don't know why I'm here'. Yes, you do, I replied, one can only say 'darkly'. Oh, I know, she replies.

Let me tell you, there is no safety in small talk around me!

Several good points were made by the good man . . . we are in a wilderness, it's a valid/valuable place to be, preparing a straight path for God to enter my life (I did not, to my credit, stick my hand in the air and try to correct him that I am suffused in spirit, let it go, Carol, just let it go).

He made the analogy of clearing the way for an ambulance to arrive. And we meditated several times and then ate warm bread and soup. And I only picked on one more parishioner, from another ostentatious church where I take my ministry class.

Tiny pirates, that just makes me smile.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

It's Louisey's Fault

I was minding my own business reading blogs. I was reading Letting Go the other day and noticed that she has standards and culls the herd on her blog list, drops those who no longer post etc. So, somehow within a day or two I went to my list and accidentally deleted the whole thing!!

One by one, I'll get you back on, I hope! Drop off a comment and jog my aging memory cells.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

What If Every Person in the World Was Sober at the Same Time

Just think of all the art that would be created. There would be a dozen Steve Jobs (not my first wish) at work. The Occupy ______ movement would be at critical mass. The parishioners at every house of worship would be lovingly convincing their hierarchy to celebrate light and justice among all people.

Mothers and Fathers would live with their children. Most people would show up at their jobs most days. Good food would be shared around the table and thanks would be given. Little by slowly, repairs would be made and cars would run again.

And little by slowly hearts would mend and hurt would ease. A new confidence would take each one of us out of the valley of doubt and self pity. Gentle help from our fellow travelers would help us navigate between the hills of self absorption and pride.

One day at a time, one person at a time, we will get there.

You keep the faith and so will I.