Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Small Thing, Big Thing

1) You know, if God could just add 5 hours to the day then I could take some photographs on my seldom used new camera, upload them (is that what you do?) to my blog and show you more of my life. Perhaps something to achieve in 2010.

2) I came home from mtg last night a little disgruntled, weary, a tad down on myself thinking that I haven't had any zingy (poor, poor girl) happiness, flush of awareness & flourishing feelings in what, a week?

My immediate self talk was that it was the holidays, the best that I've had in my memory in terms of peacefulness & grace & gratitude. I should think that would 'do' in place of stratosphere encompassing rapid self aggrandizing growth!!!

My second act was to pull out my Artist's Way book and read the page that mentions that at times "Your changes may be more like cloud (hey Cloudia!) movements, from overcast to partly cloudy. It is important to know that no matter which form your growth takes, there is another kind of change, slower and more subtle, accumulating daily whether your sense its presence or not. . . Just as travelers on a jet are seldom aware of their speed unless they hit a patch of turbulence, so, too, travelers on the Artist's Way are seldom aware of the speed of their growth"

Damn, isn't she good. Isn't it great that people can speak so well and say it for us, that, my friends, beloveds who say it so well, that is what is good about today.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Tuesday Ramblings

Rigel is the featured star in the astronomy pic of the day. One of my bosses named her daughter that and she is now a pharmacist in another state. Imagine naming your child after a star, that is wonderful.

I went to my Alanon meeting. Not my favorite mtg of the week but it gets me say my piece (peace) but it is not where my heart and soul live.

On Friday I will likely head over to a nearby Buddhist temple and participate in a meditation as they welcome the public in and welcome us to lunch. I went to Friday Puja ceremonies for a period of time a couple years ago. Three years ago it was a first date of sorts with a woman I dated for awhile, New Years Day, that is, not Puja.

Before the meeting I watched the Will Smith movie, Seven Pounds, with Mom. It was lovely although I resented being kept in the dark most of the movie as to what it was about, if you've seen it you know what I mean.

I started crying out of the blue this am while driving to work. I was remembering how it was to be married to the father of my son. It was some flavor of pain that needed to come out.

Jan 1st I start my Nanowrimo re-writes, I'm glad about that.

What's good about today is that I have much to be thankful for. The range of things above just scratch the surface, I am blessed with a full life.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Any Ideas?

You know there is a path that my mother sometimes gets on that annoys me. It gets me so quickly that it's hard to identify what just happens, I'm not sure why it sets me off. She will say something like 'Oh Carol, it's too bad that you have to put up with your old mom, it's not really fair to you for me to be foisted on you, you have your own life'.

My remark to her this evening was to ask her if she knew that she was smiling as she said that and that I feel like she is just playing a game. I feel demeaned as if I'm made to be her audience or maybe I resent her dramatizing. I'll ask my program friend in the morning for some feedback and I'll make it back to Tuesday night meeting too.

What's good about today is awareness. And patience, always patience. And asking for help, that's a very good thing about today.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Excerpt From Morning Pages

God must love humans, he takes care that we have such interesting lives that we always get another chance, truly like a benevolent universe that always wants us to grow fresh shoots--God is CRAZY--the seed of plants that is produced in total excess of the need to replicate itself, like the eggs in a toddler's ovary that could populate the state, such as signs that the world should go on that we are blessed and our every need is anticipated and met in abundance, whatever I have to give the world there is a hand and a hand-up ready to receive it.

What's good about today is that even thought I went half my life thinking that I carried it on my shoulders, I now know that I am carried. The universe loves me as I love it and that there will always be 'enough' and that I only need to ask. I can show this to my mother and to my boy that they might not be so lonely thinking that they carry the load of their life. I told that to my mother the other day and she said 'please say it again' and I did and she thanked me and turned away with tears in her eyes. No one has ever told her that she does not have to worry and that all her needs will be met. No one ever told me until I came into recovery.

Thank you.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

My Pandora station is playing Simon & Garfinkel, Bridge Over Trouble Waters. There are sirens in the background, Santa comes to town on a fire truck with police escort and they go up and down each street so that no child gets left out, it's a raucous deal, can be heard a long time before they are actually on your street. My mother has gone grumpily off to bed. Will be grumpily out of bed wondering what the Sam Hell is going on when the Santa entourage comes past the house. She won't miss it because the dog will be going bananas barking his head off. He finds Santa exciting and he likes fire trucks even more. Combined, well you can imagine, it would only be topped by a couple live reindeer trotting along beside the truck.

What's good about today is everything. My dog agrees with this, I should listen to him more often, I guess.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


That is the word that keeps coming to mind when I think about having my mom with me. It is as if there is a piece of the puzzle that has dropped into place that I didn't know was missing. This Christmas will be celebrated by three generations under my roof. I don't recall it in my life, certainly not three generations living with each other, that has not happened in the last century for our clan.

For what it's worth, I'm glad that my son can witness this kind of taking care of each other, family. I've hardly had time to check in with him on how he's doing with this change, I know that the two of them are mildly amused by each other.

And so here I am. Mom took herself to bed at 8:30 after arranging presents along the wall under the tree and then complimenting me on that arrangement. And asked me about six times whether the tree lights would be turned out tonight. Followed by four times asking me if would be turning the house lights out. Yes and yes, I back out of the room, taking everything that I could possibly need tonight so that I do not have to come downstairs again and accidentally wake her.

But that is life. She has a disease that is taking a predictable course marked by fear and anxiety, difficulty making the simplest decisions and abandonment of long held daily habits. What's good about today is that we have each other.

Busy, Busy, Busy

It's 2am and I'm wide awake, my mind racing. The holidays, the cooking, the mother, the job, the interviewing for another counterpart. Yup, that's about it.

So, I'm up writing about it, think that I'll write some morning pages about it. Such a tiring day that I got home a bit late, an hour or so. I didn't feel like rushing off for my Tues night Alanon meeting. Instead sat with my mom watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. A nice habit but not one that I want to miss too many meetings over, I an set her up with it on the TV and then leave if I need to. I say NEED from the perspective of self care. I will feel refreshed if I attend to going to a meeting or out to the gym.

It's an opportunity having my mother so close to me after all these years. She is the genesis of my world view, no wonder that I had to put physically a lot of miles between us in order to find my way in the world, to grow up. Part of my morning is to watch for the sunrise, sit and watch it, revel in this connection with the beauty available just for the looking, enjoy the spiritual aspect of being a small piece of such a fantastic whole. It's like looking at the tininess and hugeness of life all at once, a reverent way to start the day.

My mother, not so reverent. She gets the beauty but in her words this am, just another morning. She does 'not get' that the universe is abundant and ready to provide for her. She does not get that she is blessed just by being here. It's all on her shoulders in such a limited belief system and those shoulders are tired.

The difference is that now I know she is like many others and I don't have to take it personally or try to fix her. I just need to speak my piece and claim my ground occasionally. And then let her be. She has her own higher power whether she claims it or not.

What's good about today is tolerance. It begins at home for me. Peace in our hearts, peace in our homes, peace in the world.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Monday, Monday

Just sitting here all cozy-like after walking the dog in 20MPH frigid winds on top of the 28 degrees. God bless central heating sources. God bless my fuzzy little dog who keeps 'grandma' company all day, they have bonded, his little cocker spaniel tail stub beats triple time when she makes a move.

My sister has let go of my mom's apt so it looks like Mom's stuck with me. It's all a slow process but it feels good to come home and have family here. We watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy tonight to improve our minds.

It worked. Now I'm going to say my prayers and listen for answers and that will improve my heart. And that's what's good about today.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Here I Am

Unbelievably, I am sitting in front of my new Dell Slim Tower computer, actually blogging at home. All seems okay so far, I have confidence that this baby will hum, perform and last.

I'm so finding it unreal that I am having a problem finding something to say.

Yes, I live in the Northeast. And yes, I went to a matinee performance today, the show must go on. It played to a half empty hall but so be it.

I have been putting pressure on myself to sound more 'writerly' since I've resumed the blog since the writing contest is finished. Pressure doesn't work with me.

It occurred to me as I was womaning a snow shovel that I am no longer afraid. I'm right sized and ready to hit my knees as ever. But, in terms of facing human problems, I'm not afraid. I meet them face to face and don't awfulize stuff because I know that I'm not in charge. My job is to show up, pay attention, do my best and not get caught up in the outcome. I can let things be.

And that's what's good about today. Acceptance.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

A Thankful Saturday

Just a note to say that all is well.

+My mother and I both survived me going back to work on Friday.

+The new computer came yesterday and I will put it together this weekend.

+I needed to write and so I am doing that very thing in my public library.

+I know that 'how I do with my mother' has everything to do with me and little to do with her.

+I am thankful for my program and the friends and teachings that I have grown to know and love.

+The ponds are growing gray with slippy hard ice, the skies are low and contemplative, the pockets of last weeks snow delight the eye and the harsh, clean air fill me with anticipation.

That's what's good about today.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

An Opportunity

Came to the library to blog and give my mother a trip out into the world. Thank you for your support, I do have program friends to call upon and I was at an Alanon mtg last night, an open AA mtg this am. The rubber hits the road when I return to work on Friday.

It's a rich time. There are a lot of potential co-da type questions that come up, overall I'm pleased to know that I am upbeat and available to her. I have to have some time away from her as well and am experimenting with that eg. getting out to meetings etc. She is often unhappy and at loose ends. Thankfully, she has befriended the dog. Typically, she does not like dogs or babies or other cuddlies but she can't resist those big soft cocker spaniel eyes. Pet therapy rules.

It's also an interesting proposition to have your parent dependent on you. It's not always great for her but I cannot fix her or make her happy and she was not able to do the same for me. It's a time of healing at this darkest time of the year. That's what's good about today.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

And It Is Day 4

We are getting used to this, my mother and I. My little self was out and we created a nice non-dominant hand drawing of a bird sculpture. She is different every day. It evolves. And that is what is good about today.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Well, I've Got Her

Living with someone with dementia is like living with someone with active disease. Emotional labile outbursts, neediness and dependence, irrational thought processes. Oh, my.

So, it pushes me deeper into my program. I'm driven to attend to my creative self, I've been writing away, using some of her mutterings to counter mine, who knows where this takes us . . . my faith is deep enough that I trust the process and I remember that it is just a day or a moment at a time.

The experience unfolding in my house, let's not forget the high school senior enjoying the distraction away from himself (recently confronted by me about marijuana use), is as it is, neither good or bad. The day is beautiful in it's own way and I am grateful for it's gifts regardless of whether they are the ones that I requested.

And that's what's good about today.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Go West Young Woman, And Get Your Mother

Just a note to say hello and to say that my computer is supposed to come next week and I hope to commune with you daily. I miss writing you and I feel that I have to breeze through your posts rapidly out here in public library land.

Tomorrow, I take off to get my mom and bring her home with me for awhile. This is a constant temptation for me to project into the future and get myself tied into a knot. How lucky I am to be getting lots of practice in staying in the moment.

I will carry you all with me.

That's what's good about today. And tomorrow.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

On the Fly

Another reason not to think that you can write your life story on a library computer. Sticky keys!! I sound like I'm writing on an old typewriter, I have to attack the keys to get them to strike.

Enough whining. My life is getting a little soap opera-ish. My mom is definitely coming for 'awhile' AND I realized my son is definitely smoking reefer. Bad boy. I told him to stop. And why to stop.

He lost his keys yesterday and again today. Duh.

What's good about today is that we all have our coping skills. I didn't do any drugs when I was in his age but I engaged in negative behavior with myself, I sold myself out. It's a long trip for some of us. He has his own higher power and I trust that all is right in the world.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dust Sculptures in the Rosey Nebula

That's the title of the astronomy picture today and it is beautiful. I love the idea that there are 'dust sculptures'. And I love that there are mothers whether we want them or not.

I've invited my mom to stay with me for awhile. I've spent my life moving further and further away and now I'm 500+ miles away. And now I'm inviting her into my life . . . and so it goes.

What's good about today is that we are all astounding.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Put Down the Gun

Thank you for your support! I stopped by the library to check on the Nano situation and read about what you are doing. I really missed my blogging and although it feels weird writing in a library and I'm pretty emptied out of words I'll just make one point.

It was during my last day or two of writing that it came to me that when I judge someone I usually enjoy, yes, enjoy the fact that it elevates me and knocks them down a notch. I thought about it in context of an upcoming trip to see my sister and dreading it. But not because I'm fretting about her, I'm worried that I will be rude because I judge the heck out of her.

Now my point is that when I use my words against someone it is like drawing a gun on someone to 'bring them down'. Personally, I'm a sissy, had a chance to fire a gun once and declined. So, I have found it effective, in that never-ending job of watching my mouth, to remind myself to put down my weapon.

What's good about today is that gifts come out of strange places.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Nanowrimo Undeclared Winner

For those of you who have been wondering what I've been up to . . . I've been hand writing a 50,000 word novel to qualify as a winner for the National Novel Writing Month contest held every November. The object is not to turn out a polished novel, though that would be nice. The object is to unleash your creativity, write until it hurts, see where it takes you and basically blow the carbon out!!

Due to a total of 3 dead computers in our house in the last 5 weeks, various ages, various problems-no identifiable swine flu symptoms noticed-I had to resort to pen and paper which has worked out very well for me. However, there are two major flaws a)someone, maybe me, will have to transcribe it into a Word document and b)I was not able to navigate the Nanowrimo system in order to register my novel according to their process for hand writers.

I tried 3 different occasions, thought I had it figured out for today. I fucking, yes, fucking give up. I will write them a nice note and enclose a donation as they are a dot org type of outfit. Yes, I will try to get 'credit' for my work, but more importantly, I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I need the validation. I may do this again for my own growth but I will not bother to sign up if I think that I can't get my name in lights!

So, anyway, I'm declaring myself a winner to you, my 12-15 people who read me. Make an old woman happy by sending a comment my way. I'm in the library (Dell computer being delivered to me approx 12/18) and I'm tearing up!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Quick Progress Report

Live to you from the Beverly, MA library with 11 minutes left. I have 12,997 more words to write for Nano but who's counting. Hope to snag a buy on a laptop on Black Friday. All is well.

Last weekend was the New England CoDA Convention and i did a workshop there that was well received which was a shot in the arm. Writing is doing wonderful things for me. I think that I could only have done this by hand.

As always, my higher power/goddess/source of all leads me to where I need to go and THAT'S what's good about today.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

checking in

Hey Peeps,

Am speed witing on the other local library, am on the 15 minute computer with only a minute left. Good news is that I'm at 28,000 words, Even better news is that though I've struggled for 30 years, I now have 30 years more to enjoy.

Love you all. Son's system down now too!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Couple Groovy Things

1) The BEST news over the wknd is that the dastardly computer company is going to refund my money instead of make me accept a replacement. I am sososo happy to put that behind me. The not so great news is that my computer guru has to swap out the motherboard on old Bessie so it might work or not. Keep the suggestions coming of your favorite laptop.

2) Another best thing is that a totally deserving friend of mine went to a sports convention in Boston to get a 40 year old basketball jersy worn by Bill Russell autographed by him. It was from some kind of championship game (I sound so girlie) and he paid her $20,000 to buy it from her!!!! It's in the bank, you never know what the day will bring.

3) A groovy thing is that some of you are missing me and that is very nice to hear.

4) We nano people got a cheerleader letter from an author pointing out the good aspects of writing by hand so I continue to feel lucky that life has gone the way that it has.

5) I cracked 20,000 words today, peeps!!!! Thirty thousand to go, ya hoo!

What's good about today is my gratitude to this blog and the people who have welcomed and encouraged me to use my voice. We never realize how much we can affect others. We're all in this together and that's what's good about today.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Good Gravy

It's not my idea to be absent this long but am limping along with no computer whatsoever. Took old Betsy to my guru who pronounced an issue with the motherboard. God, I love that word.

Anyway the forces have denied me access to keyboard and 'net which has made me all the more determined to do the Wrimo writing. I am totally portable with my cave woman pen and paper. My word count based on estimated 230 words/page is now over 11,000 which thrills me.

Writing in that matter, fast and furious, outside of my comfort zone is teaching me about faith and surrender. My aim is 2000 per day in addition to my morning pages. It is also teaching me to dare to be foolish, to write and to write some more.

So, I miss you all, I'm going to browse blogs again and then sequester and do my homework. I am also very active, taking my writer (that's me) to foreign movies and plays and nice restaurants etc. She needs nourishment.

Love you all. What's good about today is that I can keep my source driven writing a priority. Thank you almighty creator for the abundance in my life.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

A Little Twitchy

Thank you all for your comments. I'm going to type fast before reading your posts because a few days I didn't get to post before I lost my connection. So goes it on 'old Bessie'.

My emotions are a bit down and scattered. To an extent I can just watch them. Am still sticking to positive stuff, the ego is trying to lead me astray into old negative habits. Inevitably I indulge a little but don't go too far from the path. Feel the resistance. Pema would say to allow the discomfort. It is ego struggling. In my earthly world all goes pretty well, so I know that what is disagreeable is between my ears.

One of my old ways is to jump to fix it, swing the pendulum really wide. Today I looked up the nearby Buddhist temple to see what's happening. They still have sangha every Tuesday which used to be a meeting night for me. Now I have the opportunity. I would so like to be in a holy place with others, that used to be program. Lately I have started meditating and it has helped. I don't have to like everything about it, I know that I don't. But I need to be around peaceful people no matter what their creed.

What's good about today is that I can take my needs seriously but keep a light heart.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Follow Your Bliss, Follow Your Kiss, Take a Risk

Thank God for libraries. I've always been connected to them but now what a luxury to drop in and post a few words. Am on my way over to my art class. Yesterday I had a great day by changing it up some. Since I couldn't get on-line I walked to the local store to get a Sunday paper and learned that Chris Bojhalian was over at Rivier College speaking.

I have a special place in my heart for him because he often includes a gay character (once a trans-gender person) in his storyline and I find that so affirming, so positive. Anyway, the tail end of his talk and questions, he mentioned what he's currently reading so that's another reason that I'm here.

The best part of it all was having an idea and following it. For someone who has sat on her impulses for so long that they are lumpy and lifeless, it felt like a million bucks. And that's what's good about today.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I get so surprised sometimes. I was out with some friends last night and we must have gotten on the topic of new relationships. A friend was chiding me because that I made the statement that I would never enter a new one before I was out of an old relationship. She didn't think that I could possibly know that to be true, given the infinities of the future. I said I never have done life business that way and so I'm pretty sure that I can make that statement. She mentioned a mutual friend and went further to say that sometimes the messiness is part of the picture.

This morning I thought about it. I had told her that I wasn't judging anyone else just making the statement for myself. Thinking further on it, I realized how much I value being truthful and respectful of anyone I'm involved in, honoring the emotional let alone the formal contract that we might have.

Then I read today's post by my camera friend Daryl on her blog, on the m104, people are so surprising. Even when they are our friends or fellow bloggers. Humans all of us.

What's good about today is that I can notice differences without judgement. Just surprise.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Well, Look at Me

I'm here, really here. On the old computer that is doddering, occasionally fires up which makes it 100% more usable than the new one at this moment.

What jumps out at me is how I can lob snowballs at myself. For the past couple months I've been deep in my creative recovery, stripping off useless layers (I have two empty boxes next to me on the couch which will be filled with books that I am getting rid of today), getting more observative about the world and sharpening my senses.

My ego would like me to be back in my own rut. Or at least stop doing such hard stuff. Threatening stuff. So, it lobs stuff at me. Like yesterday it wanted me to focus on my son's defects, take his inventory and run with it. The kid is just a kid. His only sin was to be sitting around when I wanted to throw my weight around. Thank you God, I did not do that.

Although I am barely active in Alanon these days I give full thanks to it for my maturity. I grew up in those halls. And I learned about keeping my mouth shut until I'm really comfortable about is coming out of it. I went in when my son was nine and it has made me a patient, tolerant parent. Sometimes, I'm even a fun parent. And I'm a loving parent who can censor non-loving statements because she knows that she is tired. Fatigued with all the good stuff but fatigued, nonetheless.

So, I'm off to register at Nanowrimo. I love you all. Look at Letting Go to read the joys of blogging and look at Cat's new blog. We ARE STRONG WOMEN!!

What's good about today is all the places in our lives that we can find and give loving kindness.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Thanks for the Encouragement

Really, thank you. Especially when it comes to computers, I get so mad I could just spit. Sorry I don't have anything too inspiring to say, I'm coming to you today courtesy of my son's bedroom, on his set up, so I'm a little distracted.

The setbacks continue but I will not be vanquished, I continue on my program of writing daily sometimes several times, working out a few times a week, eating good/healthy food and nurturing my spiritual and creative self.

I'm a warrior in training, getting ready for Nanowrimo. Worst case scenario is I write off line. Which is still a good scenario. Went to Provincetown over the weekend and it was wonderful, brought home a little cast iron girl with wings on her back and a bird perched on her toe. Perfect for me to gaze at and remember what part I can take in this wonderful world.

What's good about today is a sense of renewal in an old world.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Levono is a No-No

Just a public service announcement from a Levono owner blogging from a public library. Instead of $$ coming back to me, I get a replacement. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, I'm so excited at another lemon coming my way.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

A Clearer Head

Had a wonderful trip. Saw it with different eyes courtesy of being a recovering person further down the road. Came home ready to purge a few more things out of my life. Some of it physical. Some of it having to do with programs that are not so important.

I have to make room for what more perfectly nurtures my growing artist. Some things need to fall by the wayside. I need to feed her more photography and art and hope. There is no solace in the dark and I turn our faces to the sun.

What's good about today is everything.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Just A Note . . .

to say I'm around. I'm using 'old Betsy' who has gotten much more reliable since I bought Mr Smarty Pants new lap top. Who is difficult to reckon with, might even get sent back to his maker. Ms Betsy says "No problem, honey, I can take care of yuh".

I'm going away this wknd so maybe by next week will be back in a routine.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Nothing Comes on My Time Line, A Good Thing

Still having computer woes, think the modem is not installed correctly but since my computer guru is young and all, I will keep it to myself. Okay, I mentioned it twice but I'm not bringing it up again. Am going out of town this weekend so will take my new baby on the road and see if his performance is still spotty.

I find myself debating some of my habits. Who do I choose for friends, what is it that they value in me. How do I spend my time. I am more involved in the process of art than I am interested in 12 step meetings. How do I say goodby in some parts of my life.

Man, I'm tired. I really like it when things stay the same and then about 5 minutes later I get itchy with it and reach out for change. Then I get scared that I'll never be able to handle it, control it? Long for structure. Get structure. Long for change. Reach out, well you get the idea.

Listen, the coolest thing happened today. I am on facebook (I refuse to honor it with a capital letter) only because I could not successfully remove myself from that network. So, today I was contacted by my date for my 8th grade dance. We were both tortured by it and apparently it still takes up space in our heads. I didn't tell him that I never had another date or went to a dance until I was well out of school.

What's good about today is that my heart is in recovery not in illness. I am blessed and often have the grace to realize it.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I Am Back, I Am Front, I Am Sideways

Hi, I'm back. Very grumpy instead of being grateful. I have a brand new laptop. I had to have my son help me (asking for help, agghhh) do the most basic start up tasks. I don't like how everything looks because it looks all stretched out and different (different, agghhh).

I am so irritable that I just unplugged the refrigerator because it was annoyingly loud. I could have moved but I demand that my environ conform to me (agghhh).

But I'm happy to report that despite my short temper and frustration I really am grateful for this world, it's gentle blessings and the pleasures of being a spiritual being trying to live a physical life. My phone buddy and I are both undergoing a lot of changes in our patterns and perceptions and it is exhausting to both of us. The content varies for us but it has similar characteristics primarily around the mystery of how one gets comfortable when one's usual thinking and reactions don't work anymore. One is uncomfortable, that's what happens! It makes your fucking skin crawl and that should be the title of this post.

And what's good about today is that sooner or later you feel all right. You shed the crawly skin. You plug in the refrigerator. The bad times don't last so long, come so often or cut so deep. And you are definitely not returning back to where you were. Because we are part of the miracle, we have the spirit in our belly and we are growing.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'll Be Back Momentarily

My lap top is on strike, doesn't like it's new USB thingie after all. How can it be okay one day and not on another. Sounds like it's human.

What's good about today is a good credit card because sometimes a new something is the way to go. And another good thing about today is a pen and paper because I write every day am and pm, in pre-Nanowrimo training. So, it's all good. But you knew that.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Love That Old Time Rant and Roll

You wouldn't believe how many clicketty clicks that it took to get back to you. I was ready to kick my blankety blank laptop into the blankety blank street. But now I'm on and in and soothed and love my quirky old buddy. Maybe not exactly love as tolerate.

As healthy as I get, I take my pathology with me. Today was a stay at home and take a break from stimulation day. Did some nice writing, rereading the last chapter I did in Artist's Way, got acquainted with my camera and took time to watch a DVD. The DVD, When Night Is Falling exceeded my expectations, took me down memory lane, had to watch the bonus stuff.

So, at 1:30 I panicked. I hadn't gotten into any of the stuff that I was going to nail down this weekend. I hurried out for my long walk, kept stopping to see if I could take a pic with new camera and finally permitted myself to turn around and come home since my interest today was not mileage. I did come home a way that I never had before and counted that as progress.

What bugged me was that I had no PRODUCT, no ACCOMPLISHMENT that my ego could show off today. What's good about today is that even though I have to go through a little Hell to get there, I can be proud of opening books instead of finishing them.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


Recovery means living with the fact that you made a mistake, making an amend if necessary and forgiving yourself immediately. I get lots of practice.

What's good about today is treating myself like a cherished friend.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I'm Back Up!!

Didn't mean to miss a day but my USB thingie had been hanging on by a thread (knocked it off the bed which split off the plastic casing leaving it's naked little circuit board hanging on at a 90 degree angle) for months until it dropped off yesterday.

It was the non-perfect end to a non-perfect day for which I will take credit. Julia Cameron talks about being self-destructive in perfectly socially acceptable ways and I watched myself participate in that yesterday.

1) Over-worked, ignoring my fatigue, then

2) Full grocery shop list instead of just picking up milk, ignoring my good ideas, then

3) Evening get-ready-for-college workshop that my son would not attend, ignoring the inner voice that asked me why am I going if he isn't.

This is treating myself in a self-destructive manner. Yes, I got a lot accomplished but at a cost to my peace and sanity that was not worth it at all.

What's good about today is that I learned from yesterday. I did not accept unacceptable behavior from myself.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Heaven help me but I seem to be in an upswing . . .

~sleeping like a baby since I started that yoga/art class, it tires me out in a good way

~have not spoken an unkind to/about anyone since I read that to 'criticize someone else is actually giving oneself sloppy praise'

~in contrast to last weekend I have nothing planned for this one, I have a new camera to learn about, maybe I'll figure out how to upload a pic onto my blog, I live in a great area, can't wait to share it with you

~I volunteered to do a workshop at the NE CoDA convention in 6wks, topic is The Virtue Trap, Block to Creativity; initially I didn't want to add anything to my load but I would love to see what people have to say about it, I'll introduce the idea & share a little of my path, pass a basket with papers folded up w/words of wisdom/quotes/questions about the subject. People can have a few minutes to compare notes with their neighbors, then we'll let people share their thoughts with the big group and I'll have some closing words at the end. I'm pretty psyched about it. I think if I just focus on that and running registration I won't be too stressed.

~out of my 8 hour day, I spent it in 5 hours of meetings. I'm still in a good mood, feel fresh & think that I might get to my open AA mtg in the morning for the first time in 2 weeks. It's because I'm taking care of myself in new ways.

So, adios, good blogger buds, have a marvelous-so day and night. What's good about today is that I have no doubt that I am in the right place at the right time and that there is peace in my heart and in my home. Blessed Be.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Nothing, Nothing, Something

This morning I was feeling very silent as I struggled to come up with words to fill 3 morning pages. I considered since I'm on week 7 of Artist's Way and I am an adult that perhaps Julia Cameron could look the other way if I downgraded myself to 2 pages. Then I wrote the third page.

Came home exhausted from working, ravenous. Satiated myself with potato chips and sour cream, cleared off my coach, sipped decaf, fell into trance, revived and opened Natalie Goldberg's Long Quiet Highway, Waking Up in America.

Natalie writes all the time. Meditates a week at a time. Embraces the pain of sitting face to face with yourself with pen in hand. She's a tiger. For her, it's breaking through to a new place. Waking up to consciousness.

I can do three pages a day. Maybe three at night, too. Training for Nanowrimo in November. Half measures avail us nothing. Join me, won't you?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Crazy Good

Just claiming my seat. I'm thankful for all the good in the world. I'm thankful that even some of the stuff that doesn't seem so good also has a purpose, hidden from me at the time. I'm thankful that there is limited justice in the world. If I had to face a consequence each time that I erred, I would be too busy to do the good that I am able to do.

Most of all, I am thankful for the generosity and plenitude in the world. In Annie Dillard's words, "God is Crazy"!

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Conventions are very healing. We had a committee meeting as our group is 'putting on' the New England CoDA Convention, November 13-15, you all are invited, see the NE CoDA website for info if you are in the area and register with yours truly, Carol, grateful member etc., etc.

My Alanon sponsor, God bless her. We had an important 5 years or so together when I started out in program. Her blessing was that she was strong in service and loved conventions. I went to my first when I was barely a year in program and I was hooked. Between NH and MA Alanon, Intl Alanon last year in Pittsburgh and CoDA, I've been to probably 10 conventions, each different/memorable in their own way. A couple have been nearby and I have gone that Saturday and maybe returned on Sunday morning, they were great. Most have been further away and I've stayed overnight, in that bubble of program, that healing bubble and they have been sublime.

That said, I have no expectations when I go to conventions except that I expect a nice time and validation of the value of program. What I usually find is a solution of issues within me that I did not know even existed. It is that healing of an experience.

Just today, I was asked to lead a workshop at the convention, any topic of my choice. I declined, stating that as registrar and recovering co-dependent, I did not want to take on more than I could handle. Tonight I was re-reading the past week's chapter in Artist's Way, reveling in the richness of CoDA issues, reflecting that a workshop in recovery of creativity would be well received, I realized that I am willing to do that thing. Yes, it's service and yes, it heals me.

What's good about today is that creator sourced creativity is not work in the usual sense of the word.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Today is Not Your Enemy

I think it is Eckhart Tolle who mentions that each day is our friend or our enemy depending on our perspective. I can turn the present into my enemy if I am seized with anxiety with what I think will happen or won't happen. I can miss the abundance offered to me if I am caught up with self imposed demands and heroic tasks to manage.

What's good about today is that though momentarily, my life may become unmanageable, I can greet each hour as my friend, to be appreciated as I am able.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Feeling Empowered

~I just learned something new on the computer.

~Had a fairly long, personal conversation with a friend's partner. Hasn't happened before in the 2 years we've known each other.

~Went to a yoga/art class this week and took it all in stride. Left with a grin instead of cha-grin. Hee, hee.

~Hugged a co-Alanoner who I've known for years but am now working on something together outside of the meeting world.

What's good about today is being thankful for my life and looking forward to tomorrow instead of fearing it.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Yes, I Mean No; Let Me Get Back to You

It's my last day off so will probably change to evening posts after today. It looks like the clouds might evaporate and let the sun shine on through. If I see it today I am going to take a blanket out and bask in it. Soak it up, nature's energy.

My thought for today is that our strengths are our weaknesses. I'm thinking in particular that a quality I share with addicts and maybe humankind is that I always want MORE. It's a part of my 4th step inventory and something that I am vigilant about. HOWEVER, in other aspects of my life I need to keep up my curiosity and say yes to abundance. Not be miserly in the bounty that the source of all bestows upon me.

What's good about today is that when all is said and done, it is my actions that count, not my hopes and worries. I can count on the eternal goodness of life to show me the way and to always take it a day at a time.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Explore Daily The Will of God

A quote from Carl Jung. I read it this morning in Artist's Way and am tuned into what will be coming out soon, a notebook of art and thoughts called the Red Notebook which was kept under lock and key for quite awhile after his death, for more background see yesterdays NY Times, probably the magazine section, I read it on-line.

Jung is one of those leaders who dared mentioned God. My masters is in counseling, BA in psychology and in the 1980's never the twain shall meet. Spirituality and Psychology/Psychiatry. So, I worshipped at the altar of higher education but I never found my answers there.

Which I think is idiotic. In my world, the basis of all is spirituality and if there is something amiss, then the answer for me has been to tweak my relationship with that which has no name, the source, the god/dess, the power that is greater than my understanding. Obviously, I am going to give the caveat that there are imbalances that need medical attention, yadda, yadda.

As I look back, like a Monday morning quarterback, I veered far off the track as I studied. My separation from God had everything to do with my long standing depressive feelings and obsession with suicide. But I couldn't find the path. I worshipped at churches and I worshipped at school and I worshipped at others and marvelled at their seeming appearance of fellowship and home in the world.

It has been a long road and I'm not finished yet. In an Alanon book there is a Wendell Berry quote about making your journey and feeling yourself to be at home in the end. It is enough that I feel myself happier than ever before. That puts me at a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10 (ten being the highest, wise guys!).

What's good about today is that although I do not feel myself to be at home, I am at a very good resting place. As if on a backpacking trek, I can sit by the brook, hang some clothes out on the branches to dry and face the sun to drink in it's greeting.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sunday Gratitude

This morning my 'morning pages' free association ran to gratitude. It's been a full day but nothing can top an expression of honest gratitude so here goes.

My life is perfect, I live in a fairy tale. Really, I'm grateful to be unencumbered by relationship, debt, physical or mental infirmity. I am young enough to feel good, old enough to be thoughtful and able to see form and to feel presence. These are truly my golden years. I have a job that has challenges but does not crush me. A son that I love who surprises me. I live in a wonderful port of the country where I can explore beaches and mountains. Let me be intoxicated--so says Beaudelaire . . .

Charles-Pierre Baudelaire sez

You must always be intoxicated.
That sums it all up: it's the only question. In order not to feel the horrible burden of time which breaks your back and bends you down to the earth, you must be unremittingly intoxicated.

But on what? Wine, poetry, virtue as you please. But, never be sober.

What's good about today is gratitude and celebration in all it's forms.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Holy Hannah, She's Jammin' Again

Good God. I'm beginning to see why women of a certain age say that they used to make jam. It's because they are older and wiser and know better. Let's just say that I have some more advice on making jam, beyond my previous blog on the subject, must have been in June because it was strawberry season.

1) Cultivate non-dominant hand dexterity so that you can continue grabbing boards, utensils, rags while your dominant hand continues stirring, as instructed, continuously.

1.5) Make the jam same day as picking the berries. Don't hold them in the refrigerator a few days, pick through the moldy ones, swear that you will never do that again. And then do it again.

2) Practice yoga stretches prior to turning on stove so that one can make acrobatic moves and lunges while making above grabbing moves.

3) Beware of jam that spits at you. It casts tiny drops of pink goodness only nano-seconds before lobbing globs of it on your naked soft white hands.

3.5) Wear dark or berry colored clothing.

4) Do NOT scream, it scares the dog.

5)Do not be alarmed at smells such as sugar turning to carbon, keep stirring, it's too late, what the hell.

6) Don't worry if you think you contaminated the jar sterilization procedure, it's too late, what the hell.

7)Make your son happy by assuring him that all the jars are staying in the house. He doesn't know that, by now, you are worried about others eating your jam and DYING.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I Didn't Know That I Didn't Know

It's funny or tragic that once we wake up to ourselves, that we stand up in our own reality, we can recite the line (I didn't know that I didn't know) with impunity as if we are finished with it. Okay, okay, I need to own it and not project it on to my brilliant readers. So, on any given day, I will try to remember that I am always a child turning the pages of a book that will tell me new things, paint new vistas, that will, in fact, blow my mind. If, I have Beginners Mind, exalted in Buddhism and 12 Step Programs then I am always open minded. Beware of Hubris. I had a short vision type of dream last night. It was poop being flushed away. I flushed. More poop in the bowl. Flushed. Oops, more to get rid of. I think it was condensed hubris I was trying to get rid of!!

Here is something I found that I really like, poem from Robt Fulglum

There is really nothing you must be
And there is nothing you must do
There is really nothing you must have
And there is nothing you must know.
There is really nothing you must become.
However. It helps to understand that fire burns,
and when it rains, the earth gets wet . . .

What's good about today is the willingness to open our minds and hearts.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Source Unknown

No words from me tonight as I am spent. Here are some that I wrote down awhile back.

Praxis:Activity as opposed to Theory
The older I get, the less attention I pay to what people say or think or hope. I notice what they do, how they live, and what they work for.

Forgive the dangling participle.

God has already forgiven it. What's good about today is everything, whether I like it or not.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Hold My Calls

I will be . . .

1) Hurrying outside to get my mile in before it gets too dark.

2) Making raspberry jam (good pickin' today after a sunny week) if I remember to buy more sugar while out on walk, see #1.

3) Smiling ear to ear. Please jump on Yarn-A-Go-Go blog on my blogroll to celebrate with Rachael Herron, newly published writer. I have followed her blog for 4 years or so, almost did Nanowrimo because of her. Every now and then I leave a comment for her which she graciously answers in her totally upbeat way. She rocks and is enjoying the unveiling of her first book of a three book contract, I just got to hear her voice for the first time! My dearly departed sister is smiling over my shoulder at all this because she is the one who turned me on to her blog, the only one that I had ever followed before I caught on to 100 Sober Blogs a year ago.

What is good about today is that sometimes success comes to those who work hard and are kind to others. Rock On, Bloggers, Rock On.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Virtue Trap

Cameron describes the faux spirituality arising from the virtue trap, akin to feeling superiority over others. The virtue trap alludes to cultivating patience and generosity beyond the bounds of average human nature, we proclaim ourselves above it. Taking the high road until we can no longer find our way home, a lonely solitude, we no longer trust compliments because our behavior has become estranged from our true self. In psychiatric jargon, we have dissociated. On the outside, we look fine. On the inside, we cannot find ourselves.

What's good about today is experimenting with being 'pretty good' instead of excellent, without fault. Let me take today to adjust my expectations of myself and listen for my internal voice.

Monday, September 14, 2009

"Dependence on the creator within

is really freedom from all other dependencies. Paradoxically, it is also the only route to real intimacy with other human beings. Freed from our terrible fears of abandonment, we are able to live with more spontaneity. Freed from our constant demands for more and more reassurance, our fellows are able to love us back without feeling so burdened." taken from p. 95 of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.

Let Go of The Fear needs to be printed everywhere we look. Okay, I'm going to letter up some cards and put one in each of my rooms, my car and on my desk. It will be everywhere I look and that is the only way my world will change, it begins with I.

What's good about today is that I can stop pointing fingers at 'the world' and depend on the creator within to take care of me.

PS I did get welcomed into Wellsphere if I choose to have this blog run there. The director would like to put it with the alcoholism ones which I'm not really thrilled about since that doesn't personally describe me. No decision needed right now so will wait on it for now.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I Love . . .

~That I have 20 followers instead of 19. Twenty seems like a much fatter, happier number than nineteen. Although 19 is prime, very special, it was a skinny not quite complete number, it seems to me. I could go on and on (moon in Virgo, sun in Aquarius) . . .

~That it is no longer September 11th.

~That I told my secret to someone tonight. No, I am not pregnant. There is a part of my story that I am very careful about. I have told it here and there and it is painful. I think I may begin a campaign of prayer to forgive myself. And I know that I will tell my program friend when the time is right. Like tomorrow. And I will heal. (Amends have been made and are ongoing in changed behavior, so please don't go there.)

~That birds can dance.

~That there is much delightful in the world.

What's good about today is the ability to look outward as well as inward.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Mystery of Hua Solved

Don't know if this is true for you but when I get a comment, it also goes to my e-mail. So, even though I lost it when I tried to publish the comment, the content was in my in-box. The site is called or something like that and caters to all areas of health, just took a look around, didn't hit me one way or another. I don't know if this blog would stream into their directory or if I would have to write specifically for them, I would think that it would carry over since I gave them my url etc. Please write me if you have more of a clue than I do.

Anyway, it is Saturday, thank you, thank you source of the universe, thank you labor movement of the Industrial Revolution, thank you Jewish Kingdom for having the holy day different from Sunday enabling us to enjoy a two day weekend. Thank you for those who died clearing the way for this and many other rights that we enjoy but take for granted.

I'm grateful this morning, can you tell! A grateful heart will never bitch. It is raining this morning. Even so, this shall be a weekend of fun with friends, viewing beautiful things and enjoying laughter. My house is clean, my wood is dry, my cupboards are full and my heart is open. Hallelujah Baby.

What's good about today is that even in knowing that this too shall pass, I can enjoy the moments of peace, joy and serenity.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Hua, Healthy Blogs, Where Are You?

I received a nice comment and an invitation to check out a blog/site?/collection? from Hua but I bungled the comment and lost it into cyberspace, couldn't remember the key words well enough to google it. Clearly, it's a good thing that I'm not entrusted w/nuclear energy or something because there may not be enough safeguards in place to keep me from bobbling IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Enough with self-flagellation. I'm up in the wee hours, went to bed too early, tired out from stacking wood but awake and mulling over annoying details like lost comments, work misunderstandings, mysteries such as Will I Ever Get Over Myself?

Since it's just you and me all cozy at 3am, let me again tell you what a good time I'm having with Artist's Way. Two years ago I gave it a try with a group that fizzled but now I'm getting so much more out of it since I've gotten involved w/CoDA in the meantime. She never mentions that at all and only obliquely refers to her alcoholism. I'm just having a much richer experience. Let me tell you that I'm not creating anything per se but it is definately recovery and rewarding. Bouquets to you, Julia, MUHH!

What's good about today is sharing your gifts.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Again Nothing More, Nothing Less

Groove-alicious. Took me a minute to spell that out. Nothing good, nothing bad. Welcomed my co-worker back with (figuratively) open arms. Have some events to look forward to this weekend. It may rain a couple out but that's okay too.

What's good about today is that I'm going to bottle some of this mellow, just like MC's peaches.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Nothing More, Nothing Less

Something rumbling, something brewing, not wishing anything away, not lettin' it pass, hoping for it to blow wide open!!! Trust God, always, whoopee!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Control Patterns (this could be you!)


believe most others are incapable of taking care of themselves,

attempt to convince others what they should think and feel,

become resentful when others refuse their offers of help,

freely offer advice and guidance without being asked (I smell a little of that in Blogville, just sayin'),

lavish gifts and favors on those they care about,

use sex to gain approval and acceptance,

have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.

For many of us, codependence became worse as we grew up. Behaviors that may have served us well in childhood are now causing our lives to deteriorate. As our codependence gets worse, we lose our ability to acknowledge this pain and its harm.

What's good about today is (the first promise of CoDA) I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

And it has.

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Source

Whatever magical power we emanate from is within us, we swim in grace. Blessings are ours for the asking, abundance . . . well, it abounds. It's all big and it's all small, full of space.

Got to go make breakfast, waffles for me, eggs for the kid. Happy Day.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Hah! I'm Back

All right, so I tried to start my laptop again. This time I plugged it in. Now, don't look at me like that. It has a battery. Which apparently is as useful as a brick at this point. I had disconnected the lap top completely in an attempt to shut it off. As my computer fixer has stated, trouble in shutting off a computer usually means future trouble turning it on. And so it goes.

Compliance Patterns
compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people's anger,

are very sensitive to others' feelings and assume the same feelings,

are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long,

place a higher value on others' opinions and feelings, and are too afraid to express differing view points or feelings,

put aside personal interests and hobbies to do what others want,

accept sex as a substitute for love.

Cited from CoDA 'big book' p4.

I rate fairly high in these qualities, the loyalty piece hooked my interest when I first read these. Nowadays I feel better. Although I still have the illogical belief that I should have never changed partners/moved 'away'/changed jobs etc,etc. I can catch my mind touching on this as if I was running my tongue over a sore spot in my mouth, just checking to see if it still hurts in that area. What's good about today is that I can accept it as part of living in my skin, wish the past well and change the channel to something more current and positive.

PS One of the TV shows I watch is Religions and Ethics Weekly on PBS Sunday morning (check for local listing) which is a great show that carries 4 or 5 stories each week. They profiled Father Leo this am, check out their site for more of that story.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Technical Difficulties

Library closing down, am jotting a quick line to you. Home computer is on the fritz so this is my route. Hmm, new title, Four Routes, that just doesn't sound right.

What's worse is I don't have time to read all your stuff.

Quick word on Labor Day that I heard on NPR. We have the labor effort to thank for two days off. That's right. Two days. The Weekend. Just think, people died for that. Sunday was easy, a day of worship. Saturday got added as there were so many Jews workin g in the factories.

Hah! Two days in a row off. see ya!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Low Self Esteem Patterns


have difficulty making decisions,

judge their thoughts, words and actions harshly, as never being good enough,

are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts,

are unable to ask others to meet their needs or wants,

value other people's approval of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors over self-approval.

Also taken from the CoDA big book, page 4.

This list is a pretty good match for me. More to come. That's what is good about today.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Denial Patterns


have difficulty identifying feelings,

minimize, alter or deny their feelings,

perceive themselves as being completely unselfish,
dedicated to the well-being of others.

From Co-Dependents Anonymous, the 'big book', page 4.

What's good about today is recovery.

Monday, August 31, 2009

What a Concept!

Week 3. Write out affirmations 3X with morning pages. And do something kind for myself each day.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A New Script

Sloth, apathy, despair get in the way. I can so identify with these attributes and yet they never made it into my step 4. Awareness comes first and that is what is good about today.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Form and Space

Lately I've been changing perception, playing with left brain/right brain stuff, looking at the space rather than the physical things. I cannot intensley focus on both at the same time. Part of me is into it, part of me is resisting change.

Self will run riot is not just doing too much. It can also be fighting change, holding on, turning off, resisting. As long as the flicker of energy/being has been alive in me, it has been accompanied by resistance just as deeply rooted.

When I took away my mental escape, my brain got furious, no place to turn away from the civil war. I had prayed my self back into feeling better last week, after a day of that I told God that it was okay, that I could take some more, that I recognized that the pain was a gift and that I needed it in order to have something to work with. And he/she/them/it gave it back to me.

Teddy Who??

Although I live about 40 miles outside of Boston I'm not enthused about the 'Teddy' testimonies and the family Kennedy dynasty. As someone pointed out on another blog, he was involved in a woman's death that was not thoroughly investigated. Several of the men throughout the extended family have been close to the scene of other women's deaths.

That's great that he was an effective polititian, there are countless other public servants who suit up every day and pull their weight as well. There is no person greater than another. Whatever secrets he had, they went with him.

What's good about today is that possibly we are less blinded by fame and money.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I want to mix it up a bit, my routines. The blog doesn't allow for give and take conversations which I require right now. I may be back tomorrow or next week, I don't have a plan. If you have a thought about this, please e-mail me at or leave a comment in the usual manner.

Trust God,


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I AM sober, not in jail or hospital

(see DdAAve comment yesterday) and have a host of other things for which I am grateful. I make a point to tell people that I appreciate them and do service inside/outside the program with a willing heart. I'm blessed with belief in a higher power and the companion ship (I like that misspelling) of others. Even before program I felt ashamed when falling into a slump because I have so much to be grateful for.

Part of my confusing funk is that I haven't been able to name it. Other than curtailing my reading, there hasn't been any change in my life. Only one crying spell today. My phone buddy, and this is why I love her, thinks it is a sign of wisdom that my distress has no story attached to it. It certainly is a power greater than myself and calls the shots.

Too many uses of the word 'I' so will finish up. An old psych axiom is to beware of the patient who gets well too fast. What's good about today is that I can take my time.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Oops, correction!

That site that I mentioned yesterday is . Sorry about that, hope that works better.

I'm doing all the feeling miserable things, not sleeping, crying when the least provoked, struggling to stay in the present, swearing without restraint, contemplating the need for professional help (fuck no!) and hating my existence as well as everyone else's.

But I'm doing positive stuff too. Refraining from excess eating/drinking/isolating/TV-ing/diving into fiction. I went to morning meeting for the first time in weeks, took myself to a tidal inlet for a picnic lunch and went for 2+mile walk after work (yahoo, the heat broke and went away). I called my CoDA phone buddy and I will continue to do the stupid (I'm a little pissy, ok?) constructive trudging along AS IF my head will get better and will thank me for it later.

Enough of me, I'm sick of me. I'm glad for your comments, sheepish that someone would address me as a soulmate!

I guess what's good about today is that even when we feel like scum on a pond, there are those who look at us with God eyes and see only promise and perfect imperfection. La di dah.

Monday, August 24, 2009


Forgive yourself for your pain.

This was included in a guided meditation on the radio station Heal Your Soul run by the folks at . Just what I needed to hear.

What's good about today is not just letting something pass but getting to a new foothold on your recovery.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Hi Guys

Still feeling tortured, somewhat detached from it but mostly uncomfortable. I read a LITTLE Gary Zukov inspirational stuff yesterday. Any little bits I read, I skim real fast, as if I'm on a diet and am sneaking bites in the kitchen. Gary is telling us to think of ourselves as separated from the mother ship during our earthly journey-it's skimmable.

God gave me a little boy because God knows that screamin little girls take me around the bend, there is one next door, or maybe it is the sound of my own hamster wheel squeaking as I run and run.

This may be one of those times in my life that acceptance hasn't caught up with my awareness. What it all comes down to is that I'm stuck with me. Everything about me is acceptable to my higher power but I'm slow to catch up because I'm seeing it from another angle and I want to change it quick, buy my way out, change the channel. I want to co-opt onto another me, something 'more' authentic.

That's a laugh, isn't it. I'm stuck with AUTHENTIC. What else would I be after 5/five/cinco decades of this-ness? I'm so authentic that I'm fossilizing (a little self-pity, allow me a moment, fellow recovery bloggers) into distilled Carol.

God's Grace, God's Grace. I pray for God's Grace to be revealed to me. And I want it NOW.

What's good about today is humor, friends to call, friends to blog, program to draw upon, honesty about the painful hours that we share. Right now, I'm going to get off my rusty dusty, do something and get out of the house.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

More of the Same

"We gobble the words of others rather than digest our own thoughts and feelings, rather than cook up something of our own." Julia Cameron

I am a toddler running around deprived of a pacifier. Went to my morning meeting, decided to leave during the meeting after the meeting, sick of hearing the same crap. Sick of my own crap. Might take myself to see a movie today. Even if it is someone else's words.

What is good about today is that I can tolerate discomfort in the pursuit of something better.

Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm Back, I'm Back

Missed my chance to write yesterday as my son was working the bugs out of my computer and fell asleep while something was downloading. Not one to interrupt a genius at work, decided to leave it go for a day.

Haven't caught up on posts yet but enjoyed your comments, thanks for telling me what nightwatch means-I can stop envisioning people on street corners with night vision goggles. AND, I may have to take up the new 'conk your head, get some Staples money, do it again' method of getting a new computer. Honestly, even with son's hard work, it takes me more effort to get in, get back in, etc than I spend on time on line. All right, all right, I exaggerate, call it the Friday giddiness.

aADave (I don't spell it right if I'm not looking at it) asked what's wrong with reading a couple days ago. Personally, I have decades of practice hiding in it, just like some people with TV or video games, I can spend hours of the day numbing out. Granted it is a victimless crime, not as unhealthy as numbing out with vodka or porn probably.

And guess who knows this? Julia Cameron, recovering alcoholic, successful writer of many things including The Artist's Way, A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. I've played with the book (bookbookbook, of course I know the book) before but don't remember page 87 where she proposes READING DEPRIVATION she describes as

'casts us into our inner silence, a space some of us begin to immediately fill with new words--long, gossipy conversations, television binging, the radio as a constant, chatty companion . . . we often cannot hear our own inner voice . . . even thinking about it (not reading) can bring up enormous rage . . . we gobble the words of others rather than digest our own thoughts and feelings.'

Food for Thought. During the last couple days I have tried reading less often for shorter intervals and I can hardly stand it. She calls it an addiction.

We do not want to do the things that will help us, heard at a AA mtg by a gentleman who did not stay too long. What's good about today is that there is not only abundance all around us but also wisdom if we can hear it.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Freedom to take care of myself. I enjoyed your blogs. Particularly liked aadave's comment to Steve about how to afford a new computer.

I'm gonna go turn on the air, take a couple Tums (could be the milk that made my tongue tingle) and some favorite reading material and relax. Taking care of myself, in the moment, that's what's good about today.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A Quiet Space

Do you know how you feel that there is change going on but that you can't point to anything in particular as an example. I feel that way these days.

I'm feeling quiet. I read your blogs just now. Quietly. As if I walked into your rooms and out again, just checking on you.

I have been at home today, my son had his wisdom teeth out at 11am and so I have stayed close. It's a privilege to be needed by someone.

It's interesting that I feel peaceful today, anxious yesterday. I'm glad that you're here. That's what's good about today.

Monday, August 17, 2009


These last couple weeks I'm noticing how much anxiety I have. Maybe that's one reason I gravitate to alcoholics, I resonate with the anxiety. I notice how much I seek relief. Granted, it is with things that only hurt myself, food, reading etc. It's Cadillac problems, I know, but I can hardly believe how much anxiety/fear I have.

On the surface I don't come across that way but it's just my defence to act as if I'm calm. You guys probably sense my anxiety, I would think, in the way that I over-process stuff.

Well, I've said it out loud, I've asked God (Go-Out-Doors?) to help me. Signing out . . .

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Shame and Disclosure

Someone at one of my meetings talked a little about her shame around a family member's death. Another member pointed out how lucky we are to live in an age where there are program such as ours, bereavement groups and a host of other venues where people can share their uncomfortable feelings. Just a few decades ago, people were lucky if they had an understanding friend, family member or clergyman who could hear difficult things and empathize. Even now, of course, there are those like my sister who suffered with cancer but chose not to talk 'to strangers' about her journey.

When I started nursing school in the late 1970s the word cancer was still a shameful thing, not to be mentioned in conversation. What's good about today is that we can make choices about privacy and disclosure.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Analysis Paralysis

There are a number of things that I want to do at the same time and I cannot choose where to start,

nap (seeking relief)
look at art book
practice drawing
grocery list
make soup (still too hot)
pick up outside-too hot
pick up inside-too hot
read a book (seeking relief)
continue eating kisses-ditto

What I have done since driving home from Sat double duty mtg

wrote out amends (this happened 2 years ago) which will not be sent because leaving lover's house when they're upset is okay when it's the middle of the night and they are yelling at you and won't let you sleep, sometimes when compassion fails it is because assertiveness/self preservation has raised it's head

ate first tomato sandwich of the season

loved up dog and clipped fur mattedness off of him

checked out Meet Up website for Reiki one tomorrow that an acquaintance invited me to attend

also looked into Artist's Way meet ups of which there are none nearby

wrote my blog and tried to combat my feeling that I waste a lot of time.

There will always be more things that I am interested in than what I can accomplish. Could be ego taking over trying to convince me that the more I do, the bigger I am. Down ego, bad dog!

What's good about today is that the answer to almost everything is gratitude and acceptance. Neither require money, special equipment or planning. Just practice.

Friday, August 14, 2009

So Smart

Who or whatever created nights and mornings did it right. Even though I've stuck with going to bed at 11pm, I've been waking between 2 and 3am. typically I'm awake for an hour or two, tossing and turning. I use all the centering tricks that I can think of with only mild effect.

Then I wake up a couple hours later, refreshed. Not great but certainly vastly improved. I'm calm, not worried about anything in particular. What a good system our bodies have.

What's good about today is gratitude for things, big and small.

Speaking of gratitude, I made a little joke when I shared at my Alanon meeting. It dropped like a bomb :-)

I mentioned the saying 'a grateful heart will never drink'. The topic was irritability. I said maybe we could adopt the saying 'a grateful heart will never bitch'. Not ONE SINGLE CHUCKLE or shared eye contact.

But I like it. Have been saying it all week when I catch myself indulging in the poor me's. It turns my attitude around on a dime, I tell you.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

More Plodding, I Guess

I'm trying to pay attention to myself.

Just noticing when I start feeling less than serene, trying to freeze frame it, stay REALLY in the moment, ask myself what button is getting pushed, can I tolerate the feeling, do I need to hold on to that button anymore or can I toss it into the breeze.

Just noticing when I start looking for relief. Why do I need relief, what is it that I don't want to face, can I come up with it or is it swirling around under the surface.

It all unfolds. Part of the paradox is that as I get more peaceful, the more a period of unrest gets noticed, it casts a bigger ripple on the calm pond.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Plodding, Happy to Be Plodding

Just claiming my seat/keyboard. Gratitude List today includes

1) after you work awhile, you get to go home
2) the weather changes as often as my frame of mind, perhaps there are winds that circulate through my brain
3) that it is just an ordinary day despite it's minute terrors (I was in charge of the bldg again) with just ordinary me making ordinary decisions, plodding along, why not?
4) that I have a meeting to go to tonight, will likely end up chairing as it is a mtg that is waning, it has always been cyclical; I can go there with the attitude that I might have something of value to share rather than the attitude of hoping that there is something that I will gain
5) that I had two phone msgs waiting for me from people hoping to get together soon, people who enjoy my company, that feels good at any age

What's good about today is that I realize that I have choices every minute that I'm conscious.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Everyone Has An Opinion

1) I better write fast because my system is on and off again, I think that I re-booted 3 or 4 times just to read blogs and catch up on email.

2) I was going approx the speed limit yesterday, got tailgated mercilessly by a young woman who passed me as soon as we got to a broken yellow line. Within seconds a gentleman driving towards me all but hung out of his window urging me to slow down, slow down & blinking his lights off and on. Yes, there was a cop ahead and no he did not pull the woman over because he was pulled into someone's driveway.

I laughed because I've never had such opposing opinions on how fast I should drive when I was just driving the speed limit.

3) I was affected by what I heard yesterday on one of the Healing Your Spirit radio shows. She remarked that in a personal relationship sometimes one loses one's compassion for the other. I thought that was so beautifully, elegantly put.

With that in mind, I am thinking about writing an amends, putting it away for a couple days and then possibly sending it to someone who I haven't spoken to in 2 years. I need help in letting it go and this may help me.

What's good about today is that the world is abundant for those with open hearts and minds.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Solving Problems

1) Remembered that someone from Sat mtg has mentioned starting a CoDA meeting on Wed night, I must support the heck out of it.

2) Will order Anthony De Mello books from library.

3) Found Spirit and Soul Spirit radio stations on the 'net, very nice.

4) Made a bunch of yummy food today.

5) Made myself stay up until 11 last night, presto change-o a good night's sleep.

6) Ordered plane/hotel reservations for Winter Games in Vancouver as birthday/high school graduation/don't even ask for anything else present in Feb for my son and I. We think that we are way cool.

7) The very last thing of the weekend is to do a couple drawing exercises. Why is it hard to do the things that will help us?

What's good about today is that I can notice things and let them go. There is a quote from a Frenchman (Cloudia, help me out here) that goes something like, 'let me be peaceful and orderly in my daily life that I might be courageous and dynamic in my work'. A writer or an artist, I think.

He'd probably also wish you peace and love, as do I.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Solution

I did go. I took off early from home, located a fancy grocery store to see if they had a goody that I needed. Overshot the meeting place to take a walk around an old fort (that's f-o-r-t) by the ocean.

Seeing the water really helped, the route that I took was much nicer than the mega highway. So, it wasn't about a martyred drive down a soulless road. I got to my meeting and I got to have some new experiences too and also found a new way to get there that passes by ocean. How lucky am I?

What's good about today is that I know it.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Ebb and Flow (You know them)

'I may not practice my program perfectly but I always have my program' is somewhat how one of my favorite Alanon quotes go, it is on the Just For Today bookmark. It's good to invoke when I'm falling away from meetings or otherwise tweaking it.

I'm having trouble getting my mojo up for the Sat am meeting, it is a super mtg but an hour away with a step mtg after and so I generally get home at 1pm. An excellent mtg but it has trade-offs. Like getting up with my son and doing nice early morning walking etc. Sleeping in. Hmmm. By making phone contact a couple times a week with my buddy from that mtg I keep the juice going. Hmmm. Last Saturday, I was feeling the resentment about the ride, counted over 20 stops/traffic lights on the trip. Hmmm.

I don't know. Guess I'll get up and see what I want to do. Cadillac problems, how nice. That's what is good about today.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Solitude vs Isolation

Syd's post got me thinking about solitude/isolation. For me the difference is my internal thought processes. Say that I have a day off from work during the week. It can be solitude or isolating once I've chosen not to fill it with errands and agenda.

It can feel isolating if my thoughts are 'other' centered. As in wondering what others are doing or thinking, comparing myself to others, thinking about my past with others, worrying about my future. Ego centered mess between my ears.

If I'm essentially alone for the day but my thoughts are of gratitude, I get into something that needs organizing or simplifying, I spend some time in prayer or otherwise attending to simple essentials that support or nurture me like taking a walk or talking things over with the dog. That feels like solitude but also being part of the universe.

So, to me (this post is making me think, bringing me along) maybe isolating equates to struggle and solitude equates to acceptance. Hey, it's just words, I think we all know what we mean!

What's good about today is talking things over with you and getting to hear your comments, have a great rest of the day.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Very Late Post!

What a day! A list of things to be grateful for . . .

1)After 90 minutes, my son managed to hook up the wireless router so that my lap top can truly be a lap top and so I do not have to be connected in this funny little room at the top of the stairs that is hot and stuffy.

2)I started the day at 6am with my phone phobic friend placing a call TO ME. While I greeted her, I opened a gallon of milk to pour into my coffee which instantly curdled, started over again with powdered milk from the cupboard and knocked over 6 spice jars which fell onto the counter. She seemed to think that she caught me at a bad moment (I wasn't swearing!) and wanted to get right off the phone but I wouldn't let her and we had a good talk.

3)A co-worker trusted me to read some work that he has done on a novel.

4)My son says he saw ____, 'our alcoholic', in the next town helping an older woman into a bank. I broke up with her in 2003 and he has never wanted to talk about her or acknowledge the part she played in our lives. He said he hung back, out of sight. I probably would have done the same even though every day my mind touches on her.

What's good about today is that the mystery unfolds whether I like it or not!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sharing Vulnerability

It's the theme of the day. I had a dream last night that involved trying to get to my morning meeting. First, I arrived early, only saw one other early bird there, the undeclared leader who made a comment because I was half naked. Yes, there I was ready for the meeting unclothed from the waist up! I was embarrassed, trying to cover up with my arms and left before anyone else came into the room. And the dream was a little more low key after that.

I had gone to bed last night connecting with how alone I feel. Not self-pity, not forgetting my higher power, just the fact of living with a son ready to leave the nest, going to work beside someone who doesn't make eye contact until lunchtime. Basically, no personal contact unless I make it happen. So, reaching out is what I do. And I did call my CoDA phone buddy and share my feelings and my dream.

And I did read today's page from Language of Letting Go which encourages deep sharing with others in order nurture relationships.

And I did share at the morning meeting, continuing a theme I heard of loneliness woven through the 20 or so shares that went ahead of me.

And I will continue to share in my Alanon mtg tonight. My vulnerability, my strength, my experience, my hope, my nakedness :)

What's good about today is that every awareness is progress.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Mellow Monday

What a calm day when I mind my own business, stay in the moment, keep an open heart to myself and others and pray with a grateful heart. I'm playing with drawing most days, writing most days and thoughtful about food, drink and exercise.

And so I plod/march along. Resting on the shoulders of those who have gone before me. Those in program. Those who grew my food. Those who built my house.

Blessed Be.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Sunday, It's Really Sunday I Tell You

Just a note to say that my own personal program these days includes three ingredients which include walking, writing and art. Art is new/old for me and boy do I want to avoid it. And please, take it for granted that I pray.

Other peoples words . . . you all must beg, buy or steal the latest issue of The Sun Magazine (photos and written work submitted from all walks of life, NO advertising whatsoever) because one of the themes is nonordinary states of consciousness. There is an excerpt from a book entitled Seth Speaks written by Jane Roberts, Seth is a male personality claiming to speak from an adjacent plane (stick with me!) of existence . . .

The ego is a jealous god, and it wants it's interests served. It does not want to admit the reality of any dimensions except those within which it feels comfortable and can understand. It was meant to be an aid, but it has been allowed to become a tyrant. Even so, it is much more resilient and eager to learn than is generally supposed. It is not natively as rigid as it seems. Its curiosity can be a great value.

The whole issue is great. And that is what is good about today.

I Here (hear), I Here (hear)

Sorry for the absence if you were looking for me.

Good news today from Melody in Lang'ge of Letting Go . . . Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life . . . it turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing and mistakes into important events. . . today I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.

'Nuff said, I'm going out into the day with a grateful heart and hope that you have one too!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Just claiming my seat.

The biggest stress that I need to pay attention to is 'tired'. The 't' in HALT does it for me every time. I have watched myself today. I've been judgemental, here and there. A little quick to react. Aggravated by environ noise and multitude of signals being sent.

What's good about today is knowing my limits and my triggers can keep me from sabotaging myself and others.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Tuesday, Just Listening Today

Hello, you wonder-full recovering bloggy writers!

Am reading and commenting here and there. Nothing much to say, went to my meeting tonight, a joint one with Alanon/Alateen. Equal seats taken! Good topic, good meeting. There's not much to say when things are going well, is there?

Actually, it's not that things are going any certain way at all. Things are just things. I am the one at peace. Ready to go to bed soon. And most likely, I will be granted a new day.

What's good about today is that I am grateful for God's Tender Mercies, a line taken from a favorite movie, Tender Mercies.

Monday, July 27, 2009

There's Always Sumpin'

A couple weeks back someone with decades of program under his belt said something caustic and annihilating about an ex-wife. On a later day, I heard him share at a meeting that he heard a lot of love and concern in the room, that up to a year or so earlier he could not have sat through such a meeting but now he realizes that he has more to learn.

My phone buddy and I have been talking two or three times a week. Each time we converse it is because I called. She says she has a problem making calls. She is right. She is great at talking, great at listening, great at answering the phone. Not so great at initiating. But that's what she told me.

What's good about today is people who know where they are blocked, can say it and that I can hear it without thinking that it's about me.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

God, (Please) Grant Me the Serenity . . .

Someone was recently blogging about the paradox in the program and the steps. One that occurs to me this morning is that the more awareness and acceptance I have about myself, the more easily that I can let it (ego) go. So, I have to bring it close to release it.

If I can see my defects, great.

If I can see my defects as part of my liquid landscape, good to know about but not part of my hardwiring, greater.

If I can see the defects as part of a story acted out by ego, not the reality of my relationship with a higher power, better yet.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

More On Self-Acceptance

This means that

+my relationship with family will likely continue in the way it always has (I do not have to 'try harder', I been doin that!)

+I am single and will likely continue that way, I don't have to obscess on it unless I enjoy spending my time doing that-NOT

+my eating and exercise habits are middle of the road, have been for decades, any efforts to change/control are useless self-flagellation, I was not blessed with persistence (one factor saving me from addictions)

In other words, I can accept that life will progress along much in the same fashion that it has for decades. Embedded in that life are many joys and pleasures which will continue as well. Most of all, I can keep my thoughts in the day and not set up ego-gratification goals that don't reflect my reality.

So, what's good about today is loving myself as a creature of God.

Friday, July 24, 2009

July 25th, really

The point is that I love me. And I love you. And that is all.


This morning I was second in line on the round robin and I shared that what was important to me today is acceptance. By this, I mean that I practice accepting myself as I am. I do much better at accepting others than myself. Me, I always want to improve.

There is a sign in the corner of a window of a nearby art studio that says 'never apologize for your art'. That gives me a feeling of power just reading it. I may have to make an amends here and there but I need not apologize for who I am.

And that is what is good about today.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Comings and Goings

Happy to hear that my old sponsee is in town. Don't know if she went to last night's meeting as I didn't make it. I got as far as the elevator before I realized that I was 45 minutes late for an hour meeting. Lesson learned, next time I will approximate the time needed for a catch up dinner with friend and then double it!

It was good, all good. I know I've turned into a brief blogger lately and no, I don't know what's up with that! Keeping it in the moment.

What's good about today is everything.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Smoke and Mirrors

Briefly we are here and then we are gone. The fabulous nebulae in the astronomy photos are said to be made of dust and debris. The emotions flooding us come and go. My childhood was left halfway in the past century and feels like it never happened. This moment will be quickly past.

What is good about today is that there is a place to go where powerlessness is the name of the game.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Letting Go of Resistance

Tis the title of today's reading in Language of Letting Go. I'm taken by her statement, We cannot escape;we only postpone. Two things come to mind . . .

1)a statement heard at a meeting that everyone gets sober sooner or later, whether in life or death

2)I'm thinking of inviting my mother for a long weekend in the next couple months instead of flying out to see her in December.

What's good about today is noticing that I like plans better if I think that they're my idea!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sunny Sunday

Not so tuckered today. I got myself out to the coast and sketched a little. Many people out and about already at 8 as it was beautiful. Is there anything better than a skiff of cool breeze on you? No, there is not, I'm answering for you.

Dialogued with my sister about my mother. God bless us all, it is not easy to be in anyone's shoes. I was firm, non-judgemental and compassionate (sez me!). Perhaps not well liked but I believe that I was those things and a little surprised that I could be consistent and calm.

Tomorrow is another day, I am grateful that I will have my higher power with me and I get another chance to practice my program in all my affairs.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I Trust Those Who Are Trustworthy, one of the Promises of CoDA

An emotional day courtesy of my CoDA meeting after the meeting. Got in touch with how badly I want to be in dialogue with my sister. I'm exhausted, read all my fave blogs but didn't post any comments, too tired to come out with sentences. My sister are playing phone tag. If we finally talk today I will have to really watch my mouth because I am THAT tired.

So, what is good about today is that I got up and did most of what I planned, am grateful for some extra gifts I received and feel content.

Friday, July 17, 2009

My Goodness!

Still shaking my head after hanging up the phone. I caught on that my mother has the mistaken idea that I was never coming to see her again. We're both glad that we talked about it because in fact I will probably fly out in early December. She thought that it 'was just too much trouble for me and that I had decided not to do it anymore'.

Punitive abandonment. Like a child that is left behind. I'm without words.

Sometimes all you can do is try to put things right.

And that is only one of the good things about today.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

More Richness of Life

What a nice day. I went with the flow. The Flow went with me. Me was the flow. It's a different world when I'm not fighting it. Now, back to my book, The Principles of Uncertainty by Maira Kalman. Delightful. Go to the NY Times and search under her name and prepare to be charmed by her work.

What's good about today is everything.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

2 Things

1) I was thrilled to hear more details today from a member of one of my groups. She has been working on a book for the last year and it is being published, I am so pleased for her. She has had some disappointments during the year and I'm proud that she has continued to work on her dreams so that they will come true. I've never sat beside anyone who wrote a book. We just grow and grow.

2) Yesterday's page in Language of Letting Go deals with feeling unlovable. That goes to the core for me. But I (always =) ) have a quarrel with Ms Beatty on at least one point. This time it's that she states by attaining the belief that we are lovable, it will improve our most important relationship, the one we have with our self. I think that is a lot of story telling in service of ego.

What I would say is that feeling lovable improves my most important relationship which is the one I have with my God. Because if I think I'm unlovable I have placed myself in the judge's seat, made myself very large and have rendered sovereign opinion instead of listening to my higher power's message which is that I am who I am in the place I need to be and am perfectly imperfect, no more, no less.

By believing myself to be unlovable I close my heart and mind to others who carry God's will and word. Those closed doors become shame filled and become a barrier between myself and my higher power. And that is no end of trouble.

What's good about today is that I realize that my voraciously hungry ego can keep me busy and separate from my God only if I let it run wild. Like my dog, my ego also can learn the commands of Sit, Stay and Leave It!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Swimming in Grace

The richness of life. If I wasn't in program I would never be reminded of it, I would never hear (or read!) anyone talk about it. I would never really know that most of us have some of the same problems and that I've been spared some of them through the grace of God. I would never know the faith that others have and have grown to experience it as my own. Would never have believed it was possible to have a spiritual fellowship that runs on people power, higher power and service.

Without program I would think that people's outsides are their insides, that my best thinking is very good and that self-will can get me whatever I need.

What's good about today is I have a fresh chance every moment of my life.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Heard In A Meeting . . .

An acronym for denial is 'didn't even 'no I always lied'. How is that? Can we try that on for size, I'm still thinking about it. I don't think I lied so much as I was fighting myself out of a coat closet, confused about what to do with the life I'd been given. I still don't know but I'm less interested in the question. On I go, with others, a step at a time.

What's good about today is what I've been taught . . . stay in the moment, trust God and give thanks.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sunny Sunday

Don't know if every is having problems with error messages and getting flung out of their blog today. I got thrown out twice when publishing comments, the second time I could not get right back in so I will post and leave the comments for the last thing I do.

Kathy Lynn mentioned that sponsorship might be tricky for CoDA members and I agree. There is less of it in Alanon and CoDA than AA because (my opinion) the issues are different. When I lived with active disease in Alanon I depended on my sponsor for her point of view and as a safe person who I could unload to without reservation. That was back in the days when I slept with my purse under my pillow, kept my prescriptions in a safe deposit box and did medical triage--will she just sleep it off or does she need medical intervention?

The thrust of CoDA is to enjoy healthy relationships eg. not turn any other person into a higher power. The very nature of sponsorship is a one up/one down arrangement, which at this moment is not where I want to go. But there are some in the program who refer to a sponsor when sharing and so I guess can still be beneficial. Others refer to co-sponsorship which is what P. brought up months ago when I approached her.

At this point, I'm feeling it out. I need someone to talk to and I would like one person to whom I can tell everything. We'll see how it goes, no matter what we call each other we have the beginning of a trusting relationship which will support our growth. Not bad for a week's work!

Now, if it is intended, my post will post when I hit the button!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

11th Step

We were reading from Melody Beattie in our little (after the meeting) step meeting. I've experimented a bit over the decades with meditation, less with prayer. I used to do some fancier praying in the past. Now, as Annie Lamott has said, I have basically two prayers. The first is Please, Please, Please and the second is Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. And this week I felt lousy enough that I asked for a sign. And it was given.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday, Thank You, Thank You

Just claiming my seat today. Claiming my keyboard?

Missed morning mtg because I was talking to my CoDA friend who then left for her morning mtg. For two people who identify themselves as phone-challenged, we did very well and I started the day feeling that I mattered.

What's good about today is reaching out for the things that make me feel good.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Summer Reading Picks

I was browsing at the library and picked a couple books off the 'High School Summer Reading' shelf. Both are memoirs, the first is called Without A Map, written by a local woman who went to college in her 40's and is now a Maine college professor. Her story centers around her pregnancy in 1965 at age 16 and the ostracising she endured from her family, church and community. She was forced to give up the baby but I won't give away the ending. She had an adventurous life and part of the appeal, for me, is that I'm familiar with the school, beach and backdrop of her story. No recovery or addiction aspect but a wonderful story of surmounting emotional deprivation.

The second book is a wonderful story of recovery called A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. Also a memoir, it was written by a woman who is now an attorney in LA who writes about getting sober and the tools of recovery that got her there. She's only 30ish now so it feels very fresh and contemporary.

My would be sponsor and I continue to play phone tag. I feel better today (of course) but am not content to let this go, I need to push myself into that scary territory of asking for a commitment of help. We've had a conversation about this before and I know that she is more comfortable with co-sponsorship and that is fine.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Just Sayin' . . . Trust God

I feel tremendously alone despite my belief in a higher power. I am trying to trust that I am in the midst of a process that I do not understand.

What's good about today is that I woke up realizing that I need to have a CoDA co-sponsor. And that by a purely God happening (my favorite CoDA person but she never calls) I had a message from her when I got home today. And if I haven't scared her off (oooh, I'm so powerful!) with my msg to her then I have a deepening relationship with someone strong in program. Glory Be.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Glass Half Full

Chaired the meeting tonight, went with the topic of forgiveness and blame. Several people strongly connected with it, someone read a beautiful page.

No strong feelings for me today or yesterday. Program tells me that if I feel 75% okay, I can be grateful that it's not a 30% okay day. Could be I'm just tired from my weekend of good living.

Any Raymond Carver fans out there? He was a writer, struggled with alcohol and died young of lung cancer. He wrote this last poem, Late Fragment, the afternoon before he died.

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

I'm so glad that he felt that way. What's good about today is feeling 'a part of'.

Monday, July 6, 2009

More Simple

Acting like a tourist today. Sat on a park bench at the river to write my mom and thought about how simple things please me the most. To the marrow. Is that why vacations work, they simplify life? Get away from the details, come back with a fresh mind. Is it the layers and layers of details at work that bog us down. Three components are all that's needed, I'm wondering, here's some of mine.

duck (paddling), river, sky

house, greenery, stonework

eat, sleep, pray (the book)

eat, sleep, pee (the newborn)

eat, sleep, play (the cocker spaniel)

think, type, post

night, light, body (me)

enter, sit, listen (meeting)

Anybody got any?