Provoking change is not always necessary, staying aware of ourselves is more important.
I just read those words in my daily message regarding my Enneagram (personality) type.
Last night, at my AWOLmeeting, it was announced that a couple members had left. One was a late entry to the group so her absense wasn't surprising but the other one was a surprise. She was a strong member, bright and smiling, long in sobriety and acted as our treasurer. It was mentioned later by one of the moderators that she didn't feel safe.
I get that. If it weren't emphasized in the beginning of this 26 week exercise how important that we be committed to attending and finishing. It is important for the group vigor that we know we can count on each other to hang in and hang on.
It is not a meeting that I sit there in contentment. Physically, I'm tired from the day, it feels like my heart is beating about forty beats a minute and that only half of that is reaching my brain. I struggle to keep up with what we are reading and try to come up with something cogent and on topic to contribute. In that context, it does feel unsafe. We are all struggling with that and so there is a stilted feel to it, intimacy is not inherent in that process. I feel like I am doing a slow treading of water in that my feet don't have the security of touching ground and I am certainly not swimming either.
That feels unsafe to me. I usually know what to say. I am used to (care taking) sharing in a warm, engaging manner and receiving it back. So, the all important me is not happy. I am used to a level of ease that in this twelfth week isn't there. It ain't happening for me.
What is key for me is that I don't blame the meeting. And I don't blame myself for feeling lost. I am reminded of the desert mothers and fathers that slogged it out for decades. I do not have to sacrifice in the way they did but I can put up with feelings of boredom and insecurity. I can have faith that I am in a space, a place that invites sacred health and guidance. I do not have to be amused!
So, I will miss her bright shiny presence and mourn that I will not receive the gifts of getting to know her better. But. I did get a gift from her, nonetheless.
We have people put in our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. That's what's good about today!
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