Saturday, July 31, 2010

Blue Skies, Sweet Breezes

Just a few things to say, claim my seat so to speak.

Unbelievable how a 10-15 degree drop in temperature can put energy back into me. We've had such a warm summer that I forget how it knocks me out. Instead I stew (my father's word!) about what a slacker I am and get grumpier as the dog hair piles up and other chores stay undone.

So, it was beautiful today. I got lots done, like cleaning out my car, painting my outdoor furniture, crossed my neighbor's palm with silver and got two eyesores torn down. On a roll, people!

Just spent a pleasurable half hour catching up on blogs and reading new ones. Sometimes it's fun to see who my blog buddies follow and who they follow and on and on. I keep adding new people to my list, I'm pretty random so you might find anything on it! A positive attitude and gratitude for life are some of the commonalities so maybe it's not so random, after all.

What's good about today is that sometimes it is just IDEAL.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Identify and Compare

Outside meetings I have a difficult time identifying with others. I just put aside a book by Bill Gates, Senior. I couldn't identify with intact families that grow up with a service ethic, siblings that are different but all end up in leadership positions. Frankly, I don't want to hear it. I'm not sure that I even believe it.

I got an e-mail with attachments from my sister, the Republican. She was proud to send photos of our 2nd cousin, a member of the Director of Finance for Canada, posed with MO and BO. What? She can't even say their names. Or refer to them by their offices, our President and First Lady. The pics are lovely as they are 3/4 views of them as individuals with Sarah, as if they were in your living room.

It got me to thinking about my cousin and his daughter. One would think that nothing disappointing ever happened in their household either. I can't identify with successful people or secret-keepers. I have always had to blab it out.

I love my people. Twelve step people that have been rubbed fuzzy and real by life, just like the velveteen rabbit. They might not be 'all there' or have my interests at heart but they're the real thing. Just like me. Now, I can identify with THAT.

What's good about today is that there are people like me and I have found them.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Two Things I Have Found to Be Amazing in the Past Two Days

1) The last thing is first. I watched the local news at 6pm and they covered a story of some kids leaving the slider door open on the back of their house. A bear entered and turned an aquarium over, the fish were still flopping around on the counter, none the worse for wear. It ate some grapes. Something spooked it and it left in a hurry, dropped a large teddy bear on it's way over a stone fence. I saw teddy face down in the grass, must be true.

2)Excerpted from an excerpt (published in The Sun) by Vaclav Havel, Czech playwright, past Czechoslovakian president. He was imprisoned as a dissident before he rose to power & this was taken from a collection of letters to his wife in 1987. He was sitting outside, doing nothing in particular, when . . .

"I seemed to be experiencing, in my mind, a moment of supreme bliss, of infinite joy (all the other important joys, such as the presence of those I love seemed latent in that moment), and though I felt physically intoxicated by it, there was far more to it than that: it was a moment of supreme self-awareness, a supremely elevating state of the soul, a total and totally harmonic merging of existence with itself and with the entire world . . . and yet simultaneously it seems as though one had nothing, that one's happiness were no more than a tragic mirage, with no purpose and leading nowhere . . . this vague anxiety, this breath of infinite nonfulfillment emanating from an experience of the greatest fulfillment, this sensation of terrifying incomprehensibility that blooms in a moment of firmest comprehension, can always be brushed aside like a bothersome piece of fluff. You may wait till the cloud temporarily covering the sun passes by and go on living in peace and delight without asking troublesome questions. But you may also do the opposite: forget about all the "spontaneous meaningfulness" that gave you such intense pleasure, forget about the answer given before the question was posed, and stop precisely at the point where the cold air from the abyss struck you most powerfully--when you felt most intensely that in fact you have nothing, know nothing, and, worst of all, do not even know what you want -- and bravely confront the question that comes to mind in such moments. That is, the genuine, profound, and essentially metaphysical question of the meaning of life.

What's good about today is the ability to be amazed and delighted.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Just Moderate Me

Lately, I've been deluded by images of grandeur such as perfectly executed borders on my gardens, finished sleek & modern rooms in my house, a finely tuned spirituality appreciated by this world and others.

Actually, I am one of moderate emotions, moderate tastes & aspirations. My ego powered imagination would like things that are pretty phenomenal. Mind you, some things do happen but seldom what I expect.

Guess, I'll just keep it in the day, watch my one tomato ripen, say my prayers tonight and thank God for a roof over my head and food in my cupboard. And a special word of appreciation for daily bloggers!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Cynicism, Sarcasm and Equanimity

I can't think mean thoughts and keep my equanimity. We learn on a page in an Alanon reader that the word sarcasm derives from the Greek 'sarkos', meaning tearing of flesh. I have an awareness, and so, a degree of self control over that.

Someone mentioned that they are a cynic. So, am I. It allows me to feel very smart and world-wise, it feeds my ego like crazy and it's also a pretty negative attitude. By it's judging nature, it takes me into a one up-manship with others. This takes me out of being right sized. In the moment it means nothing, but internally my soft parts know that I am in disarray, my behavior has not matched my truer, more powerful belief system and parts of me are protesting.

Now that I'm aware of it, I can work on acceptance of it in myself and take the action of praying for it's removal from me.

Yippee, that was easy! What's good about today is going to a daily meeting to get reinforcement for my emotional sobriety.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I Want Exactly What I Have

Isn't that wonderful, heard it in the meeting this am. It's a blessing to be happy and when I remember that I have what I want, it is intensely calming. That's what's good about today.

Thanks for your comments. I will communicate with the leader, keep my eyes and mind open and not worry about it too much either way. No mistakes in God's world. (Except that he could have made Hawaii closer to New Hampshire, shout out to Cloudia!)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Another Good Day

I'm really pleased about my equanimity these days, I'm not frightened by circumstances lately. If something came up that didn't strike me 'right', I was angry and had a hard time throwing it off. Now, thank you God, it is easier. I keep my insides better protected against the outside stuff. I notice but then I ask if it is important. It's all small stuff, who said what, who thinks this and who thinks that and what is the rule this week, just human stuff, due to change if you stick around long enough. I think I'll be one of the ones who sticks around.

I have to consult with you spiritual dudes and dudettes. If you've read Autobiography of A Yogi, you may remember that he talks about 'kriya' and that his mission was to bring Eastern practices including kriya (an intense spiritual, physical & emotional experience accomplished through breath exercises that cause carboxylating). His school of practice teaches you how to do this over a period of years, I had the experience in a weekend workshop (not affiliated with them) a few years ago and it was impressive to say the least.

So, fast forward, I reread the book, google the school and there is a group nearby. Like Buddhism, I find the goal oriented isolative behavior not what I perceive as God like. I find it even moreso than most religions, a lot of rules, a hierarchy of 'I can do it longer, deeper, etc'.

I was already second guessing my motives in searching out this group, as in baby wants a spiritual rush! My ego wants people to know what all I've done and I tell her to please not to be stirred up by this. Their egos apparently want to tell me the same. I'm glad to find them, I like to meditate with others. But I'm not into this for spiritual bootie. I like to pay homage to the spiritual world, my mantra is Thank (breath in) You (breath out) and it emphasizes my relationship to that which is bigger. They are way too goal oriented about getting 'somewhere'. Can I attend and ignore it?

My faith is in God who will guide me but I would also like your opinions.

(what kind of spellcheck finds fault with carboxylating? it also suggests substituting dinettes for dudettes)

Friday, July 16, 2010

What's Good About Today

1) U-pick fruit farm close by has added peaches and corn to their sign today, I will be there tomorrow morning before the heat and the people close in on the place

2) Unfinished Adirondack chairs for $27, marked down from $29. Who can resist? Not me with only 2 outdoor chairs to my name.

3) Morning meeting. They can have a meeting without me but I can't have a meeting without them.

4) I have to tell you that I did go ahead with the re-financing of my house. When I brought my concerns to the loan manager he cleared up a couple things for me. So, the good new was that I asked for help and I got it. And I got the needed reinforcement that I don't always get 'the facts' right (shout out to Mr dAAve).

5) There are non-program friends in my life going through strife. I can listen to them and support them without porously absorbing their angst. They have a higherpower, as I do, and we never know how things will turn out.

6) It feels like 95 in my blogging cubbyhole and thunderstorms just blew through, sweat is rolling down my face, I thank God for civilization that has given me a roof and air conditioning in the next room. Off I go.

Love to all, thank you for my blessings. Good night.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

This 'N That


Just claiming my seat. All is well, I'm working hard to keep caught up at work as we are down a staff member in my two person department. But I feel strangely calm because I'm thoroughly minding my own business. There's plenty of people that get off on their own adrenalin and I can be affected by that. So, I smile and make gentle inquiry, enough to show that I'm noticing them and then mentally back off.

My son is getting rides from buddies and says how glad he is to have friends.

My 'wood man' dropped off a cord of wood for this winter. He and his wife leave for Boothbay Harbor, ME in the morning. It is a 20 year old tradition of taking an old car up for a show there. Now, they re-connect with other old car friends. Their children have grown up doing that and now they bring their own children and they all stay at the same place in separate cottages etc so it is a family reunion. I don't have anything like that going on but I still have 20 years to develop a tradition of my own!

I'm going to back out of a re-financing deal. Better now than later. I was going to convert to a 15 year loan but caution is setting in. One of my character defects is being too grim, too stingy with myself. How like me it is to embrace making heavier financial burdens for the dubious goal of being better off 'in the future'. Better to be good to myself in the moment so that I can afford to enjoy myself and be comfortable.

What's good about today is recognizing old, self-sabotaging habits.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Cool Stuff

Last week I stayed up until midnight and abruptly awoke at 1am. To the side of my bed was a woman facing my bedside table. She was in profile, wavy hair that was chin length and bangs, the details were etched in light. There was something frail about her, she was about average height.

In a nanosecond it hit me that I was alone in the house with doors locked and there was a stranger in my room. I screamed and turned the light on. Of course she was not there. Or, should I say that I could no longer see her? It struck me that my bedroom is pretty dark, I asked myself how I was able to see the details of her hair. I could not bring myself to turn off the light again, I was that unnerved.

What's good about today is you never know what's going to happen.

Monday, July 12, 2010

A Moment at a Time-Beautiful

My serenity has ratcheted up a notch. I am enjoying a detachment from others suffering, I don't know if it's polite to say that. It is an improvement on my eyes welling up at the saddest thought. One benefit of going to my morning group is that I get to know people who are exactly like me in some respects and entirely different in other ways. It's released me from the belief that I should understand everyone. I do not. And I leave them to their lives.

So, it sounds as if I am minding my own business and I have been graced by an absence of judgement, a day at a time. Blessed Be, I am so lucky to be guided by a higher power. So grateful for this moment, that's what's good about today.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Peace in Our Hearts, Peace in Our Homes, Peace in the World

Did you feel that? Here's some more. I'll blow a little more cool breeze your way, to the South, that is. Why are so many enduring bloggers from that direction?

I am on day 3 back in the work world. Despite the heat, my brain is staying cool. The lesson I took from my vacation is to slow down, stop the multi-tasking. Take time to do each thing and stop hurrying. Hear what other's say but don't take it personally. So far, so good . . . and soooo . . .

what's good about today is equanimity.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hi dAAve, My Understanding of Humility

I remember hearing that humility was the greatest of all attributes because it is the gateway to all learning. Today, my lesson in humility is that my son needs less of my help, I cannot paste my 50+ year old head on his rubbery little neck.

So, he got the driving suspension that I had hoped would happen. For 60 days the folks of Merrimac River Valley will be a little safer on the roadways. And I will have a lesson in detachment with love.

What's good about today is humility.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Oh, Boy

Guess who has their first court appearance this week? No, not me, smarties. My son, not even 18 & a half must answer for an unopened beer in the car. Oh, yeah and a 'little' pot. Pulled over for being left of center. Do you think that they know about the subsequent passing on a double yellow line last month?

Enough of that, sounds like he'll face some consequences. I hope, because my disapproval ain't enough to change his behavior. The big and powerful me, imagine that?

Thanks to program, I can still have a good day whether my young male is having one or not. All is right in God's world whether we agree or beg to differ. Now if you southerners would stop throwing those 100 degree temps our way, that would be just fine with us thin skinned New Englanders.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Companion of a Sun-like Young Star

Just copying the name of my astronomy picture, tell me that when you are feeling connected to your HP, you don't feel like a 'Companion . . . Star'.

That's all I really have to say today. Have one more day to enjoy before coming back to my work, does anyone remember in the book Franny and Zooey, how she wanted to pray without ceasing. Anyone out there . . . ?

What's good about today is peace. Peace in our hearts, peace in our homes and peace in the world.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

F a l l i ng In Love

I'm so mellow this week, I hope it doesn't all disappear when I go back to work on Tuesday. My dog has been talking to me about retirement, he would like the times spent side by side on the deck to last forever. A simple life certainly seems best, even down to eating mostly raw things and complicated pastries that someone else made.

Simple things and enjoyment, maybe I will hang a sign on my door that declares it EDEN! If only to remind myself that happiness surrounds me if only I would pay attention and slow down.

Thank you for listening to me. You're what's good about today.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Best Kept Secret

Program. That's it.

I just finished a book on spirituality called The Subtle ___ . Believe me, it wasn't that great, I skimmed along waiting for it to slam me with meaning but the moment never came. The best stuff, I think (besides scriptural texts), that is the commentaries, are written with a fullness that comes with program exposure. There are some writers like Tolle that you know have some program depth though they never give themselves away.

Obviously, I am biased on the subject but I just have to say that we are a spiritual organization, a zillion people strong for good reason.

But you knew that!

Happy July 1st

I am loving my 10 days off of work. Each day has been a pleasure, nothing to do but I am doing anything that I want. No hurrying allowed, that is the only rule. My son is bobbing along as well, it has a sweetness about it, the summer after high school graduation. The weather idyllic this week.

An easy week to remember that I am just a spark of spirit living a human life until it is time to shed my earth pajamas and slip away into another world. No need to judge or suffer. It is always the moment to turn my thoughts to that great power beyond comprehension, keeping faith that all is well.

What's good about today is everything.