Monday, January 24, 2011

I Don't Know What I'm Up To

One of my most favorite Alanon people always brought up motives as a question when debating taking action on something. She counseled that we should always ask ourselves what our motives are for fear that we do something totally 'innocent' that is not the best for others or for ourselves.

What are my motives?? I'm thinking about some work changes which is nothing new. Many times I want to make sweeping changes when, really, I'm seeking relief from anxiety. Through program, I've got some awareness about that. When I get a GREAT NEW IDEA, it often turns out to be sort of a new idea, pretty similar to one of my old ideas that didn't really change anything except that it resulted in a geographical type move that only brought me around 360 degrees. Right back where I started with the illusion that I was getting somewhere.

So, as one of my favorite alcoholics said a couple years ago . . . I don't know what I'm up to. But what I do know is that my HP is in charge and with an open heart and mind, I will always be exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Thou Shalt Monitor One's Pissed Offness

Another great day to be experienced. I'm still mulling around the fairness/justice idea by starting with how I treat myself and expanding to others.

Yesterday started with shoveling to get out of the driveway, transitioned to waiting on Rt 150 to get winched out of a snowbank (no damage done to me or anyone else) and than frantically working to finish my work by 6pm.

By my last hour of work I was getting crazy because a loudmouth 2 offices away was letting off steam about her schedule, how she was being cheated, etc. I had shut my door but her dulcet tones persisted. In the past I have smiled & shut their door but yesterday I didn't go any further with it because I was favoring murder at that point. Now, Monday morning quarterback, I could have gone and asked to shut HER door to 'give her some privacy'.

At some point during the day I was building resentment which turned into poison. At what point could I have made choices that treated myself more fairly?

There are no hard and fast answers to that one but my pattern is to do a slow burn that shoots flames in the direction of least resistance. What's good about today is getting another chance to do it differently.

Oh yeah, I've changed from an Aquarius to a Capricorn. You know, Jesus was a . . . oh never mind!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Yes, indeedy! I've been flying around high as a kite, no longer laminated by my SSRI. Rejuvenated daily by the best coffee I've ever prepared in my life, one of my work buddies asked that I bring her some tomorrow so she can test it ala 'I'll have what she's having'.

Seriously, I've been flirting, I've been telling people what I think, kindly, but exuberantly.

So, what's amazing about today is that someone has passed me a tip to get my resume in to her for the possibility of working from home for a national firm. Which I've done before. And I've done this particular type of work before. OOOh, picture me in jeans ALL DAY LONG, EVERY DAY. Working out of Hawaii during the winter, sipping Kona, shouting hello to my bloggy (Comfort Spiral) friend, Cloudia.

Now, that's what's good about today.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Justice, To Treat Fairly

So, I wrote this funny, wise post about how I'm doing (fantastic) and what I'm thinking about and then the dog ran for a tennis ball and knocked my power cord out of the wall. Sigh.

Let me just say that the theme of the week is justice. If I can treat myself fairly, I will not find fault with myself. If I treat myself with fairness, I will treat those on my path with justice. As with peace that starts within me and then dwells in my home and then in the world, so it goes with justice. I cannot guide where I haven't gone.

What's good about today is finding my way by choosing justice over moral rhetoric, sharing fairly with others and always taking the stance of humility so I will forever be teachable.

You may now nominate me for sainthood, kiss my ring, whatever . . .

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I think it's time that I started living my own life. It's been a wicked 24 hours . . . but contentment is not what breeds change. I've given myself such a hard way to go, it's time to let go, be good to myself, a day at a time, a step at a time, in good orderly direction.

Such a lovely playroom that we are given, I forget that it is my choice to create the life that inhabits it. Let's all visit Cloudia at the Comfort Spiral and daydream.

Blessed Be

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Hey Kidz

I feel new.

There is some cleaning house that I need to do. Some rocks that I've been carrying on my back that I need to toss.

I need to quit the bible class that I've been struggling to attend. Some of the women have become dear to me and I do get some insights from it but the rewards are puny compared to the drivel in which I need to read/listen/participate. My co-dependence stuff rises up big time 'its' a small, struggling group, they need me'. No group needs someone whodoes notwant to be there. Adios, with Love. I could put that on my tombstone, my divorce certificate, sending my mother back to Ohio.

I am living with active disease. I have no particular trust in myson. I still love him but I hve little patience with the lies and cheating that come through him. It has propelled me back into self care. I need to do the things that protect me. I'm cutting the cable down to fit myinterests. He's not paying for his own stuff much less the frills in this home. I'm giving him the car for a nominal sum. I don't want my name on it or to participate in decisions about it with a man I can't trust.

I have an idea for a cartoon strip to enliven 12 step. I feel a buoyancy that has been missing. I have stopped the low dose of antidepressant tht has a laminating influence on me. I feel a new energythat emantes from my core and is my more true spirit.

And what's particularly good about today is that there are places that I can share this in the hopes that it spreads the hope and message of the program that they might be as happy as I am right now. And it''s off to church that I go, I love communion and my God's love. Happy Day to all of you.