It seems to me that at the same time we are oblivious to our own behaviors and their impact, we can also be manufacturing self blame and angst over our imaginary responsibilities to others.
I am in the middle of an AWOL, an in depth study of the 12 Steps. So, I have this list of defects and am praying daily to have them removed. I have summarized my list in a sentence or two about self centered fear and a lack of true faith in God to run my life and that is what I ask God to remove.
At the end of the day I run through the day to see how I did. I am starting to see that it is not missing someone's signals or not adequately intervening in what I have the ability to change that is the problem (whew, did you follow that?). I know this because when I do my Evening Prayers that call for confession, I can see all that as self preoccupation. My sin, I prefer the Greek interpretation for sin of 'where I missed the mark' is the fear that leads me to repeatedly over analyze to see my part in it.
This comes up for me this morning as I re-enter into a book study on non- violent communication. There is a focus on how we can communicate in an open, non judging manner. Some commenters are angsting about others in their church reacting in anger to well meaning behaviors. I guess I would say that it is never about 'them', it is about us.
Which takes me back to fear! How threatening it is when we are somehow accused of not (responding, understanding, doing, managing) enough. I get that and I get their fear.
Today, I can sit with that. I can exercise restraint of pen and tongue but anonymously blog to share my halting understanding of how it is to walk the walk. My friend and I spent some time together yesterday.
Let me tell you, on the first day of proposing a fast, it is not a good idea to visit a Farmers Market. I was tired, ate a little more than the little I planned to eat. Then went home to lie down as I was too tired and fuzzy to stop and visit with Louie. I came home at 3 pm to no power. Rested and went to see Louie, nudged by the desire for for warmth and light which helped me to do the right thing. We pushed away his picked at food tray. I opened the Coke and the Hershey's Dark (so healthy it's like medicine!?) and we sipped and nibbled together. In retrospect, it was our communion.
So, what is good about today? Most everything, that's my guess.
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