Saturday, September 19, 2009

Holy Hannah, She's Jammin' Again

Good God. I'm beginning to see why women of a certain age say that they used to make jam. It's because they are older and wiser and know better. Let's just say that I have some more advice on making jam, beyond my previous blog on the subject, must have been in June because it was strawberry season.

1) Cultivate non-dominant hand dexterity so that you can continue grabbing boards, utensils, rags while your dominant hand continues stirring, as instructed, continuously.

1.5) Make the jam same day as picking the berries. Don't hold them in the refrigerator a few days, pick through the moldy ones, swear that you will never do that again. And then do it again.

2) Practice yoga stretches prior to turning on stove so that one can make acrobatic moves and lunges while making above grabbing moves.

3) Beware of jam that spits at you. It casts tiny drops of pink goodness only nano-seconds before lobbing globs of it on your naked soft white hands.

3.5) Wear dark or berry colored clothing.

4) Do NOT scream, it scares the dog.

5)Do not be alarmed at smells such as sugar turning to carbon, keep stirring, it's too late, what the hell.

6) Don't worry if you think you contaminated the jar sterilization procedure, it's too late, what the hell.

7)Make your son happy by assuring him that all the jars are staying in the house. He doesn't know that, by now, you are worried about others eating your jam and DYING.


  1. Yeah, like Madison, I just fact I'd eat it No Matter What, and die with a smile on my face

  2. Very cute. I know I will NEVER make jam, but I loved the directions anyway.


  3. We just made some pepper jelly. It is delicious with cream cheese and crackers. Good directions.