Sunday, August 23, 2009

Hi Guys

Still feeling tortured, somewhat detached from it but mostly uncomfortable. I read a LITTLE Gary Zukov inspirational stuff yesterday. Any little bits I read, I skim real fast, as if I'm on a diet and am sneaking bites in the kitchen. Gary is telling us to think of ourselves as separated from the mother ship during our earthly journey-it's skimmable.

God gave me a little boy because God knows that screamin little girls take me around the bend, there is one next door, or maybe it is the sound of my own hamster wheel squeaking as I run and run.

This may be one of those times in my life that acceptance hasn't caught up with my awareness. What it all comes down to is that I'm stuck with me. Everything about me is acceptable to my higher power but I'm slow to catch up because I'm seeing it from another angle and I want to change it quick, buy my way out, change the channel. I want to co-opt onto another me, something 'more' authentic.

That's a laugh, isn't it. I'm stuck with AUTHENTIC. What else would I be after 5/five/cinco decades of this-ness? I'm so authentic that I'm fossilizing (a little self-pity, allow me a moment, fellow recovery bloggers) into distilled Carol.

God's Grace, God's Grace. I pray for God's Grace to be revealed to me. And I want it NOW.

What's good about today is humor, friends to call, friends to blog, program to draw upon, honesty about the painful hours that we share. Right now, I'm going to get off my rusty dusty, do something and get out of the house.


  1. LMAO, I say the same thing about having a son instead of a daughter. The way little girls screech just for kicks makes me want to put knives in my ears.

  2. I hope you had a successful day of getting one foot in front of the other...

    Blessings and aloha...

  3. Carol--

    I love Zukav...ever since I first came upon The Dancing Wu Li Masters..

    You must be my twin! Reading reading reading.
    Where would Julia Cameron BE w/out women like us to read her books?? lol

    Hope the heaviness is lifting dear one....

  4. I like the idea of being authentic. It has a ring of honesty to it. I don't want to fake anything anymore.