Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Honesty vs Rigorous Honesty

I am better than half way through a six month AWOL which means that we are coming into Step 5.
We started 4 in November and discussed and worked it for the expected 3-4 weeks but have now had 3 weeks off due to a storm and then holiday break as it meets on Tuesdays.

I felt emotional and low over the holidays and it occurred to me that part of it might be to my Step 4 moldering inside of me with no place to go. I shared this with my sponsor on a Saturday who had no time until this past weekend which is typical of her un availability and my willingness to put up with it.

So I reviewed it that morning, got distracted and went to meet her without my Step 4 in hand. This was unacceptable to her which was unacceptable to me and she harangued me about the timing of it in connection with the AWOL I actually had mentioned it to one of the facilitators who said it was fine especially since I had done it before and was in some angst.

There is a gift in that we have been like two politicians smiling and glad handing each other. It forces me to see that I am drawn to different types of emotional un availability and how I pick people as a set up to be 'better than' per my two paragraph describing how exquisite my thinking versus my hack of a sponsor!

Another gift is that it deepened my relationship with a couple  other members of the program. One is a woman who I am friendly with and one is a man who I took my fourth step to over the weekend. He is ill and offered to hear it, old veteran that he is, he has fondness for others and the program that I feel secure with. So, I did it. I'm not sure if I feel done with it. But it is drawing us closer in what may be his last months.

The last gift of the process so far is that I note where I have been less than rigorously honest. I thought I would spill it right here but I think not. For the moment it remains mine to ponder, pray on etc. Had I not stumbled to its importance (or not), I would not have an example of honesty versus rigorous honesty. For now, it is helping me to be more honest today.

Last year was the year of learning to love my neighbor, this year could be honesty in things large and small. To be oneself in all circumstances, that will take my higher powers help!

1 comment:

  1. A fellow I sponsor is having a hard time with Step Four. But we are getting through it. It is a long process in Al-Anon. Maybe more than it needs to be. Anyway, glad that you found someone to hear your fourth.