What a Concept!

Week 3. Write out affirmations 3X with morning pages. And do something kind for myself each day.

A New Script

Sloth, apathy, despair get in the way. I can so identify with these attributes and yet they never made it into my step 4. Awareness comes first and that is what is good about today.

Form and Space

Lately I've been changing perception, playing with left brain/right brain stuff, looking at the space rather than the physical things. I cannot intensley focus on both at the same time. Part of me is into it, part of me is resisting change.

Self will run riot is not just doing too much. It can also be fighting change, holding on, turning off, resisting. As long as the flicker of energy/being has been alive in me, it has been accompanied by resistance just as deeply rooted.

When I took away my mental escape, my brain got furious, no place to turn away from the civil war. I had prayed my self back into feeling better last week, after a day of that I told God that it was okay, that I could take some more, that I recognized that the pain was a gift and that I needed it in order to have something to work with. And he/she/them/it gave it back to me.

Teddy Who??

Although I live about 40 miles outside of Boston I'm not enthused about the 'Teddy' testimonies and the family Kennedy dynasty. As someone pointed out on another blog, he was involved in a woman's death that was not thoroughly investigated. Several of the men throughout the extended family have been close to the scene of other women's deaths.

That's great that he was an effective polititian, there are countless other public servants who suit up every day and pull their weight as well. There is no person greater than another. Whatever secrets he had, they went with him.

What's good about today is that possibly we are less blinded by fame and money.

I want to mix it up a bit, my routines. The blog doesn't allow for give and take conversations which I require right now. I may be back tomorrow or next week, I don't have a plan. If you have a thought about this, please e-mail me at stiverrn@comcast.net or leave a comment in the usual manner.

Trust God,

Carol

I AM sober, not in jail or hospital

(see DdAAve comment yesterday) and have a host of other things for which I am grateful. I make a point to tell people that I appreciate them and do service inside/outside the program with a willing heart. I'm blessed with belief in a higher power and the companion ship (I like that misspelling) of others. Even before program I felt ashamed when falling into a slump because I have so much to be grateful for.

Part of my confusing funk is that I haven't been able to name it. Other than curtailing my reading, there hasn't been any change in my life. Only one crying spell today. My phone buddy, and this is why I love her, thinks it is a sign of wisdom that my distress has no story attached to it. It certainly is a power greater than myself and calls the shots.

Too many uses of the word 'I' so will finish up. An old psych axiom is to beware of the patient who gets well too fast. What's good about today is that I can take my time.

Oops, correction!

That site that I mentioned yesterday is www.knowingspirit.org . Sorry about that, hope that works better.

I'm doing all the feeling miserable things, not sleeping, crying when the least provoked, struggling to stay in the present, swearing without restraint, contemplating the need for professional help (fuck no!) and hating my existence as well as everyone else's.

But I'm doing positive stuff too. Refraining from excess eating/drinking/isolating/TV-ing/diving into fiction. I went to morning meeting for the first time in weeks, took myself to a tidal inlet for a picnic lunch and went for 2+mile walk after work (yahoo, the heat broke and went away). I called my CoDA phone buddy and I will continue to do the stupid (I'm a little pissy, ok?) constructive trudging along AS IF my head will get better and will thank me for it later.

Enough of me, I'm sick of me. I'm glad for your comments, sheepish that someone would address me as a soulmate!

I guess what's good about today is that even when we feel like scum on a pond, there are those who look at us with God eyes and see only promise and perfect imperfection. La di dah.