Spoiled, I Tell You

Twelve Step groups spoil me for other gatherings. I've just been to my third class this fall of a 4 year class in lay ministry. Honestly, I think I'm just stupid if I drag myself through another year with them. The small talk and ego talk that take up so much time drives me nuts. Avon vs Mary Kay. Granted that I went in there with a headache tonight but really, do I need to do this to myself?

Thank you, God, for putting me into the right places, most of the time.

Active Living (or what can happen when I DON'T sit down with a glass of wine)

Things I did today

1) Received a brand new dryer into our home!! May she live long and prosper.

2) Took a plate of fruit, crax and cheese into a meeting at work today. Just to say eat, drink, chew.

3) Stopped by a crafter's home to pick up 8 prayer bracelets to gift my Ed. for Ministry group for XMAS

4) Worked up a glasses-fogging sweat cutting down forsythia shoots that are taller than I am. So, the world and I can see a stellar showing of New England Asters that were hidden and totally new to my garden. Some things grow better by neglect but not us humans.

5) Gave thanks numerous times today for God's tender mercies and gentle surprises.

Greedy, Greedy

I take my pathology with me wherever I go. When I get good-stressed or bad-stressed I can run around and over commit emotionally, financially and time wise to perfectly credible enterprises to quell my anxiety.

That would be me in 3 classes, working overtime, attending a zillion meetings, baking cookies. Well, you get the picture. I've caught myself wanting to visit family out of state, entertain friends with a field trip, help close up a nearby retreat center, go to two extra church functions, register for a workshop weekend all within the next 3 weeks. And, yes, I am actually in 3 spiritual classes (caught myself in time trying to get into a 4th) and we have a major work overhaul coming on October 1st, thanks to Medicare changes.

Don't tell me about stopping to smell the roses! I want to smell them ALL, bundles and bundles of them.

Desire is what is good about today. Without desire we would never move off our couches. Without restraint, we would never pay for our couches.

80% of the Work

It occurs to me as I was reading 'Letting Go' blog that so much of life's work is showing up. When I go to exercise, I have to go with the expectation that I will take my position, do my reps or my time on the elliptical and accomplish just that. If I go with the expectation that I'm 'getting somewhere', it will feel like an empty time, it will feel like failure, because I haven't gotten to any goals. I am in process.

I go to work, a process.

I go to church, a process.

Morning meeting, another process.

That's what's good about today.

80% of the Work

In the Spirit of Frankness

In the past three months I have made strides that have been needed.

1) Became Baptized!! I, a fully formed 54 year old adult, bowed my head and pledged myself to a Church's life. Never before have I done this. I have made wonderful friendships in my church and had two of them stand up for me, thrilled to refer to themselves as godmother and godfather! Since then, I have baked twice for my peeps. Cuz, that's what I do for family!

2) Went to California, a validating trip that has made me feel like a millionaire, I so enjoy my life in my little house, in my little town, working my job, going to my morning meeting. Well, you get the picture.

3) Started doing body work with a spiritualized massage therapist. I've known her from a middle distance for the past 4 years. Had my first session and the second one is scheduled for tomorrow. Good stuff for me. I've spent too many decades taking care of my troubles using the neck up and the waist down, ahem. Missed the heart thing in the middle.

Let me tell you an amazing coincidence. It was almost 90 days ago I decided upon an experiment. For lack of a better idea, in an attempt to quell my anxious-depressive funk, I figured it couldn't hurt to give up alcohol. I have been abstinent in the past, to honor other's struggle, usually, lasting 6-9 months, not a big thing. This time I gave up my handful drinks/month by picking up a white chip in my open AA morning meeting. The meeting that I have attended for 3 and a half years as an Alanon member. Now, I identify myself as an Carol, alcoholic.

It still feels like an experiment to me. I would better describe myself as a relief seeker rather than an alcoholic but I'm going with the flow. One of the things that happened was that I ratcheted down on my eating habits during the last 9 months (lost 25#, woo-hoo) and that I got more obsessed with alcohol, really romancing the thoughts of reward drinks, fancy drinks, any drinks. Where the heck did that come from? I always thought of myself as a cautious drinker and had to wonder if I was a controlled drinker. What was certain was that I did not have a neutral attitude about alcohol.

So, whether or not I am a REAL alcoholic I don't know. Can't let myself compare myself to others but let me tell you that by not wimping out to taking a drink or eat a dozen doughnuts or misusing an old prescription, my shaky self is feeling stronger, little by slowly. And things are moving along . . . after all, I had my Internet re-started and I'm back talking to you about recovery and discovery and spiritual growth.

And, that's what's good about today.

Hello, Hello, I'm Back, So Very Much Back!

The news today is that I have Internet back in the house. I hope to get the blogging fever back now that I have the ease of writing from the comfort of my couch instead of running off to the library. I am blessed and so is Comcast since they got an old customer back.

The other news is that I'm back from my trip which was quite clarifying. I'm an East Coast gal. I don't quite know why but it has something to do with being 92% water and this walking around bag of water doesn't want to move to the desert. It would be wrong.

So, what's good about today is water. Glorious wet, life giving water that cleanses us and keeps our batteries charged. Power to the people and that's where I'm going, to read you people.