In the past three months I have made strides that have been needed.
1) Became Baptized!! I, a fully formed 54 year old adult, bowed my head and pledged myself to a Church's life. Never before have I done this. I have made wonderful friendships in my church and had two of them stand up for me, thrilled to refer to themselves as godmother and godfather! Since then, I have baked twice for my peeps. Cuz, that's what I do for family!
2) Went to California, a validating trip that has made me feel like a millionaire, I so enjoy my life in my little house, in my little town, working my job, going to my morning meeting. Well, you get the picture.
3) Started doing body work with a spiritualized massage therapist. I've known her from a middle distance for the past 4 years. Had my first session and the second one is scheduled for tomorrow. Good stuff for me. I've spent too many decades taking care of my troubles using the neck up and the waist down, ahem. Missed the heart thing in the middle.
Let me tell you an amazing coincidence. It was almost 90 days ago I decided upon an experiment. For lack of a better idea, in an attempt to quell my anxious-depressive funk, I figured it couldn't hurt to give up alcohol. I have been abstinent in the past, to honor other's struggle, usually, lasting 6-9 months, not a big thing. This time I gave up my handful drinks/month by picking up a white chip in my open AA morning meeting. The meeting that I have attended for 3 and a half years as an Alanon member. Now, I identify myself as an Carol, alcoholic.
It still feels like an experiment to me. I would better describe myself as a relief seeker rather than an alcoholic but I'm going with the flow. One of the things that happened was that I ratcheted down on my eating habits during the last 9 months (lost 25#, woo-hoo) and that I got more obsessed with alcohol, really romancing the thoughts of reward drinks, fancy drinks, any drinks. Where the heck did that come from? I always thought of myself as a cautious drinker and had to wonder if I was a controlled drinker. What was certain was that I did not have a neutral attitude about alcohol.
So, whether or not I am a REAL alcoholic I don't know. Can't let myself compare myself to others but let me tell you that by not wimping out to taking a drink or eat a dozen doughnuts or misusing an old prescription, my shaky self is feeling stronger, little by slowly. And things are moving along . . . after all, I had my Internet re-started and I'm back talking to you about recovery and discovery and spiritual growth.
And, that's what's good about today.
A Time Of Fires
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