I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands

isaiah  49:13-23 quoted this am.  We are a constant in Gods life, never forgotten or abandoned. We may grow distant in the relationship but we are never forsaken or tossed aside.  We are all one body and nothing can tear us apart.

Breathe on. Thats whats good about today,

Clean and Sober, Not Crying and Carrying On

Heard at a meeting and repeated by me. Also heard was a speaker tape of Ian from Manitoba talking about the fundamental problem of selfishness, self seeking and bondage to self that plagues the addict. It's a spiritual problem, we exist by depending on others. Did we build our home, weave our clothes and eat food that we grew, processed and ate today?

We become our favorite subject oblivious to others unless they are of use.

What's good about today is awareness of our defects, acceptance of ourselves and others as we trudge the happy road to destiny.

In The Day

Life kept in the day. I heard it recently that to think beyond the day is to try to maneuver things.  We are such busy minded schemers trying to have our way whether it is good for us or not. But, I want it, we cry. Then we get it and want something else.

I'm ready to go back to bed. The meeting anniversary was lovely, ten years of greeting each other and voicing what's good about today at 7 am.  Some still with us and some are not.

Meetings save lives. Through Gods grace we minister to each other with the simple acts of attention and listening and share our story.

This woman in this moment will give herself the gift of a nap so hold my calls. That's what's good about today.

Patience

My home group is celebrating its tenth year anniversary in the morning. I've been a member for the past five years.  For the first three and a half years I attended this open meeting as an Alanon and CoDA member.  For the past eighteen months I have stayed sober and free of mind altering chemicals.

A month or so ago I had a day of retreat at my priests out of town home.  Late in the day we celebrated Eucharist with pieces of home made bread and a chalice.  I have been dipping my wafer at church but with a soft piece of bread, opted to take a swallow.  On other occasions at someone's home it has been filled with juice so I didn't give it much thought.  Anyway, I took a generous gulp of wine.

Hmm, I thought on the ride home, maybe I can switch back to that. I had stopped drinking from the chalice the previous year when I realized it was triggering the phenomena of craving.  That was when cautious drinking began resembling controlled drinking.

I still dip my wafer instead of sipping from the chalice.  But that incident lead to a couple different thoughts and some nosiness into my sons drinking.  Ahh, the disease baffling and all powerful. And patient.

But I am also patient. That's what's good about today.

Learning New Things

Funny how open to change that we think we are until its time to learn something new.  I'm playing hooky this morning by not going to morning meeting so that I could get some reading done.  Opted not to do THAT reading but started Cloudias book instead.  Aloha dear one!

That proved to be extremely inviting and I am treating it like a box of very good chocolate, I don't want to eat it all up and then be done too soon!  So now am playing with the camera aspect of the blog via my iPad.  It can't get any easier tha this!

So, here I am posting my first photo after blogging nearly four years.  That is what is good about today.

Sparkling Raconteur

A weird thing happened at that Friday night meeting.  Something came over me.  An ease with others, heretofore only achieved after a glass of something.  It was like a veil came off.  I was teasing my sponsor about her new hair colors.  Giggling conspiratorily with another of her sponsees.  I was making merry.  I was at ease with others, friends and strangers.  My insides matched my outside.

That was me being released from something.  The gifts of program are beyond the questions that I ask of it.

Procrastination? Give me a minute . . .

My sponsor spoke at a nearby meeting last night.  I had been to other meetings at this site.  I lowered my expectations and headed over to support her.  She gave a ten minute share and then it became an As Bill Sees It meeting.

The subject for the night was Procrastination and there were only two pages on it.  There were about 20 people in attendance which was an immediate relief as it has been jammed, elbow to elbow on other occasions.  One man mentioned that procrastination is always about control.

Hmm.  Interesting. Then later someone else chimed in on that theme and added the word fear. I thought I was a procrastinator because I'm an Aquarian!  We talked a little bit about it as the meeting broke up.  The stranger and me, not me and my sponsor.  More about that later.

I do know I am a control freak masquerading as a calm person.  It fools a lot of people unless you live with me.  I had a partner who ventured that I was fussy.  An awful sweet way to put it, I thought.  But back to control issues, I hate to be under control of something, can I get it under control?

So, I just made flight reservations to see my mom.  It's been a couple years, it's time to rush into it!

Missing Dave Today

Poof, he's gone.  Many, many posts were done by him.

I have not been nearly as diligent as he. Seldom have I posted daily in the past few years since I started blogging and then, as he said, just done with it for now.  Part of the reason that I'm back is because the iPad makes it so easy.

I really have nothing in particular to share today so will give you a run down on my day.

Woke up early, four thirty or so.  Listened to a sober speech by someone with fifty years of sobriety and author of a book on the spiritual power of AA.  Fell back asleep as I knew I would and surfaced again at six thirty.

Coffee, coffee, prayed and started throwing things in the oven for quick cooking up meals.  Chicken breasts slivered up with onions, a red pepper and parsley to finish.  A slathering of olive oil, salt and pepper, pretty as a picture and ready to eat.  Not to waste an ovens heat, I threw in a butternut and a spaghetti squash to have with homemade sauce.  No wine in the sauce this time!  I also replayed the AA meeting recording as the guy was pretty interesting.  It is available through Tom Murphy,s Daily Reprieve email. He talked about the difference between magic and mystery, changes that come through self will or a spiritual focus in life.

Walked the dogs in record time before leaving for work.  What a luxury to have time around the house when I don't go to morning meeting.  I am there pretty much six out of six days a week.  This past week has been over stimulating and I hit the wall of exhaustion so taking a day off here and there is necessary.

Well, you've been good to stick with me through the first couple hours of the day.  To be continued.

And that's what's good about today, it continues.

Les Meserables sp?

The movie, you know what I'm talking about!  I saw it with a friend on Sunday in the middle of a theatre filled with women.  Not a fan of musicals but it didn't even matter.

Visually stunning, a wonderfully produced story.  Cry?  I choked back sobs a couple times.  I loved the Christian themes of social justice, the church as sanctuary and the afterlife.

Each to their own but I loved it.

Cunning and All Powerful

Within the last couple weeks my attitude about alcohol has changed from almost neutral to nearly obsessive.  In early December we celebrated Eucharist at someones home after a day of spiritual retreat.  We had hunks of bread and when the cup came around I took a swallow thinking it would be juice.  It was wine.

At the end of my drinking I was being triggered by that and since then I typically dip my wafer into the chalice rather than taking a swallow and that has been working fine.  Since my 'accident' last month I've been emboldened to resume taking swallows.

This morning I added wine to my shopping list. I will be making sauce and really like it as an ingredient.  I buy the little four pack at the grocery store, use half of one for the tomato sauce and pour the other half out.  I took my inventory about having the remaining mini bottles in the cupboard and decided it wasn't a temptation.

This afternoon I noticed chocolate wrappers that the dog had made a mess of  in my sons room.  I scooped them up and came eye to eye with a large bottle of vodka, a third full.  He will be 21 next month and has been gone a few days for work.

I feel the lions circling.

They will NOT get me.

A Special Time

The problem with having a new undertaking in your life is that it sends out ripples and I don't appreciate it.  I realize that I want to compartmentalize my spiritual journey.  Putting that into words makes me feel stupid.

I am a brand new postulate in a dispersed community of monks.  That's a joyful thing.  It begins a course of study, spiritual practice  and exploration that can be as huge and unwieldy as I want to make it!  Minimally, it will take three years and then I will profess into the order.

It dovetails with my purchase of the iPad which makes communication with other Ecumenical Franciscans effortless.  To say nothing of my daily communion with the Amazon web site cruising for spiritual books that will make me smarter.  I have a need to be well armed.

And that opens another door into my dis-ease. My separation from God comes up even in my pursuit for a closer relationship.  I imagine that it will flow. I imagine that I can accommodate this new road of pursuit as easily as throwing another item into my shopping cart.  Oh, the arrogance.

So, instead of my buoyant pleasure sailing me through the day I am plagued by uncertainty!  Anxiety reigns and so I pray.  And drink more coffee, play video games and fail miserably at staying in the moment.  I cannot start, yet again on my spiritual autobiography.  It will be the third or fourth time I've done it in the last couple years and I'm dragging my feet.

Those old buddies, Indecision and Ambivalence are parked in my driveway.  They toot the horn to let me know that they can give me a ride around town, kill some time and drop me off when they feel like bringing me back home.

For now I will run to the porch and wave them on to call on someone else.  I don't know what to do next but moment by moment I can remind myself that doubt is part of any spiritual journey.  The old ways of thinking and reacting will fall away if I can loosen my grip and ask for help from you and the One who loves all.

That's what's good about today.

Happy New Year With Apology

My settings were not allowing me comments so hope that I can hear from you! I found Cloudia,s comments so yeh for that.  She is on my mind as we sit or ski in snowy and frigid conditions.  By comparison to past winters, anyway.

So, it's a new year.  Boo, my little dog is starting it off by stealing her brothers food. I am going to try  to pry myself away from my video game, the slicing fruit one, and meet the new year not having spent the day on the couch!  Up, Carol, up!