Oops!

Several days have gone by and now I don't have my book with me. And I've read some lovely other prayers since then.

Someone, a special someone at church asked how I was a couple days ago. I unloaded my current dilemma/opportunity and shared how it was eating me up. I can't believe that this plan to move has only transpired over the last 2 weeks as it feels like torture which has last a month. My suspicion is that my motives will only keep me spinning around in circles trying to reach unconscious needs until I crash and burn, that much older and none the wiser.

I am praying for discernment and am trying to treat myself well, respecting my needs for security and serenity. Remembering that I can be very careless with my life and that this typically follows denying myself some basic pleasures in life. Would I treat someone else in that way? Never.

With prayer, things will sort themselves out and I will be in balance again, or perhaps better than I ever have been. That's what's good about today.

H.A.L.T.S. or S.H.A.L.T.

Every morning, before the meeting, we talk about our lives, amongst ourselves, checking in on others around us. It is the meeting before the meeting, some come an hour early, I get there about fifteen minutes before the hour.

I was talking to a sober alcoholic about facing new challenges with the strength of our program. Whether it is a new job, a new home or a new relationship, any changes in our routine awaken our anxiety. How great it is that I can reference my inventory and see what insecurities are trying to guide me. I watch myself and notice when my reactions start to fly before I'm able to edit them. Noticing my H.A.L.T. status can clue me in to my limits in a given situation. In this heat wave, I think that there should be sweaty added. Maybe, I will add an 'S' to halt. Halts or Shalt.

Thou SHALT observe oneself in action. Am I the woman outside of a meeting that I am inside of a meeting?

What's good about today is working my program a day at a time, with my higher power's thoughtful guidance. I read a lovely prayer about this this morning that I will share with you tomorrow.

Faith, not Fear

One reason that I need to go to a morning meeting is that I need the reminder to be led by my faith and not my fear. I forget that I am a sane, learned, lovely, intelligent person who makes pretty good decisions, most of the time.

This plan to move has lots of pieces to it and I can complicate it beyond belief. It's an extra good time to remember 'HALT'. When I'm tired I am vulnerable to great self doubt and indecision. Luckily, lots of the time, I'm aware that it is my thinking that is the problem and not my reality.

As someone in my group used to say, I can complicate a free lunch!

What's good about today is that if I can see it coming, I can be aware of my faulty thinking without being swept away with it.

What's Good About Today . . .

I was comparing this impending cross country move to the one I made in 1993. That time, my only enduring thread was to my then employer. Other than my blood relatives, they were the only folks that knew me, knew where I was and what I was about. They knew me as much as I would allow them to know me.

Now, I'm in my middle adulthood. I've grown up here, courtesy of the Alanon meetings that welcomed me in 2001. They loved me into health. I can't say 'back' to health because I soared beyond any of my previous understandings. That lead to my daily open AA meeting that I have cherished for the last 4 years. That lead to my church affiliation and adult religious education that began Super Bowl Sunday 2010.

I'm connected now!! I have enormous gratitude for the influence of those who have loved, and yes, challenged me through these past years. My spiritual family will enlarge when I pursue these same fellowships when I move next month. What's good about today is that I feel increasingly at home in my life and that I will keep growing.

It's A Good Day

It IS a good day, I feel like I've gotten over a bump in the road. My particular cure was to go to church yesterday, we early service-goers are a small but intimate bunch. Several are in 12 step groups and some of them were part of the retreat group in June. I got emotional taking communion (maybe I'll start approaching the alter with sunglasses), the feeling of unity and hope is enough to undo me. My baptism (yup, never got dunked) date is set for 8/21. We finally got all the principle players present on the same date. I was ready to just prostrate myself crying out 'take me Jesus' at the next opportunity but apparently there needs to be more ceremony!

The phrase, Love the Stranger (Deuteronomy), keeps going through my head. Our daily reader used it on July 4th to honor our country's efforts in helping others. I'll agree with that but would also posit that all 12 step programs excel in 'loving the stranger' by greeting all who come through the door.

Apparently, there is a meeting that has it in their closing . . . we love you, we want you, we need you. And that's what's good about today.

This and That

Hi All!

Good Heavens, I've become one of those folks who says, "I can't believe that it's been a month since I blogged!" Oh, well.

The retreat was good. All my anxiety came out in spades. I was really nervous beforehand (I dragged my feet getting there, my teacher gave me a call to ask where I was), very apprehensive, expected to encounter rows of mysterious men in robes. In reality, there were 4 friendly men in robes whom we (six of us) ate and prayed with for the weekend. It rained strenuously all weekend.

I can't say that I reached any serene state. It was pleasant. As another single woman commented, I spend most of my days by myself, quietly eating, contemplating. I'm very glad that I paid a scholarship rate as it didn't show me anything new and I would have resented paying full freight.

This summer has been a relief to be away from formal ministry classes, a true sabbatical. Of course, I still go to my daily "What's Good About Today" morning open AA meeting. More about that later . . .

I may be making a big move. My son is pursuing acting and was well received at a LA trade show this past week so we will see what comes next. My life has been spent at 15-20 year intervals in different locations. And I'm at year 18 in New England and feeling restless. Southern California is half way to Hawaii, Cloudia!! It's also a warm place to grow old.

Much to think about. And a new test to keep my head where my feet are, just a day at a time.

And, THAT'S what's good about today.