Blue Skies, Sweet Breezes

Just a few things to say, claim my seat so to speak.

Unbelievable how a 10-15 degree drop in temperature can put energy back into me. We've had such a warm summer that I forget how it knocks me out. Instead I stew (my father's word!) about what a slacker I am and get grumpier as the dog hair piles up and other chores stay undone.

So, it was beautiful today. I got lots done, like cleaning out my car, painting my outdoor furniture, crossed my neighbor's palm with silver and got two eyesores torn down. On a roll, people!

Just spent a pleasurable half hour catching up on blogs and reading new ones. Sometimes it's fun to see who my blog buddies follow and who they follow and on and on. I keep adding new people to my list, I'm pretty random so you might find anything on it! A positive attitude and gratitude for life are some of the commonalities so maybe it's not so random, after all.

What's good about today is that sometimes it is just IDEAL.

Identify and Compare

Outside meetings I have a difficult time identifying with others. I just put aside a book by Bill Gates, Senior. I couldn't identify with intact families that grow up with a service ethic, siblings that are different but all end up in leadership positions. Frankly, I don't want to hear it. I'm not sure that I even believe it.

I got an e-mail with attachments from my sister, the Republican. She was proud to send photos of our 2nd cousin, a member of the Director of Finance for Canada, posed with MO and BO. What? She can't even say their names. Or refer to them by their offices, our President and First Lady. The pics are lovely as they are 3/4 views of them as individuals with Sarah, as if they were in your living room.

It got me to thinking about my cousin and his daughter. One would think that nothing disappointing ever happened in their household either. I can't identify with successful people or secret-keepers. I have always had to blab it out.

I love my people. Twelve step people that have been rubbed fuzzy and real by life, just like the velveteen rabbit. They might not be 'all there' or have my interests at heart but they're the real thing. Just like me. Now, I can identify with THAT.

What's good about today is that there are people like me and I have found them.

Two Things I Have Found to Be Amazing in the Past Two Days

1) The last thing is first. I watched the local news at 6pm and they covered a story of some kids leaving the slider door open on the back of their house. A bear entered and turned an aquarium over, the fish were still flopping around on the counter, none the worse for wear. It ate some grapes. Something spooked it and it left in a hurry, dropped a large teddy bear on it's way over a stone fence. I saw teddy face down in the grass, must be true.

2)Excerpted from an excerpt (published in The Sun) by Vaclav Havel, Czech playwright, past Czechoslovakian president. He was imprisoned as a dissident before he rose to power & this was taken from a collection of letters to his wife in 1987. He was sitting outside, doing nothing in particular, when . . .

"I seemed to be experiencing, in my mind, a moment of supreme bliss, of infinite joy (all the other important joys, such as the presence of those I love seemed latent in that moment), and though I felt physically intoxicated by it, there was far more to it than that: it was a moment of supreme self-awareness, a supremely elevating state of the soul, a total and totally harmonic merging of existence with itself and with the entire world . . . and yet simultaneously it seems as though one had nothing, that one's happiness were no more than a tragic mirage, with no purpose and leading nowhere . . . this vague anxiety, this breath of infinite nonfulfillment emanating from an experience of the greatest fulfillment, this sensation of terrifying incomprehensibility that blooms in a moment of firmest comprehension, can always be brushed aside like a bothersome piece of fluff. You may wait till the cloud temporarily covering the sun passes by and go on living in peace and delight without asking troublesome questions. But you may also do the opposite: forget about all the "spontaneous meaningfulness" that gave you such intense pleasure, forget about the answer given before the question was posed, and stop precisely at the point where the cold air from the abyss struck you most powerfully--when you felt most intensely that in fact you have nothing, know nothing, and, worst of all, do not even know what you want -- and bravely confront the question that comes to mind in such moments. That is, the genuine, profound, and essentially metaphysical question of the meaning of life.

What's good about today is the ability to be amazed and delighted.

Just Moderate Me

Lately, I've been deluded by images of grandeur such as perfectly executed borders on my gardens, finished sleek & modern rooms in my house, a finely tuned spirituality appreciated by this world and others.

Actually, I am one of moderate emotions, moderate tastes & aspirations. My ego powered imagination would like things that are pretty phenomenal. Mind you, some things do happen but seldom what I expect.

Guess, I'll just keep it in the day, watch my one tomato ripen, say my prayers tonight and thank God for a roof over my head and food in my cupboard. And a special word of appreciation for daily bloggers!

Cynicism, Sarcasm and Equanimity

I can't think mean thoughts and keep my equanimity. We learn on a page in an Alanon reader that the word sarcasm derives from the Greek 'sarkos', meaning tearing of flesh. I have an awareness, and so, a degree of self control over that.

Someone mentioned that they are a cynic. So, am I. It allows me to feel very smart and world-wise, it feeds my ego like crazy and it's also a pretty negative attitude. By it's judging nature, it takes me into a one up-manship with others. This takes me out of being right sized. In the moment it means nothing, but internally my soft parts know that I am in disarray, my behavior has not matched my truer, more powerful belief system and parts of me are protesting.

Now that I'm aware of it, I can work on acceptance of it in myself and take the action of praying for it's removal from me.

Yippee, that was easy! What's good about today is going to a daily meeting to get reinforcement for my emotional sobriety.

I Want Exactly What I Have

Isn't that wonderful, heard it in the meeting this am. It's a blessing to be happy and when I remember that I have what I want, it is intensely calming. That's what's good about today.

Thanks for your comments. I will communicate with the leader, keep my eyes and mind open and not worry about it too much either way. No mistakes in God's world. (Except that he could have made Hawaii closer to New Hampshire, shout out to Cloudia!)

Another Good Day

I'm really pleased about my equanimity these days, I'm not frightened by circumstances lately. If something came up that didn't strike me 'right', I was angry and had a hard time throwing it off. Now, thank you God, it is easier. I keep my insides better protected against the outside stuff. I notice but then I ask if it is important. It's all small stuff, who said what, who thinks this and who thinks that and what is the rule this week, just human stuff, due to change if you stick around long enough. I think I'll be one of the ones who sticks around.

I have to consult with you spiritual dudes and dudettes. If you've read Autobiography of A Yogi, you may remember that he talks about 'kriya' and that his mission was to bring Eastern practices including kriya (an intense spiritual, physical & emotional experience accomplished through breath exercises that cause carboxylating). His school of practice teaches you how to do this over a period of years, I had the experience in a weekend workshop (not affiliated with them) a few years ago and it was impressive to say the least.

So, fast forward, I reread the book, google the school and there is a group nearby. Like Buddhism, I find the goal oriented isolative behavior not what I perceive as God like. I find it even moreso than most religions, a lot of rules, a hierarchy of 'I can do it longer, deeper, etc'.

I was already second guessing my motives in searching out this group, as in baby wants a spiritual rush! My ego wants people to know what all I've done and I tell her to please not to be stirred up by this. Their egos apparently want to tell me the same. I'm glad to find them, I like to meditate with others. But I'm not into this for spiritual bootie. I like to pay homage to the spiritual world, my mantra is Thank (breath in) You (breath out) and it emphasizes my relationship to that which is bigger. They are way too goal oriented about getting 'somewhere'. Can I attend and ignore it?

My faith is in God who will guide me but I would also like your opinions.

(what kind of spellcheck finds fault with carboxylating? it also suggests substituting dinettes for dudettes)