A Little Twitchy

Thank you all for your comments. I'm going to type fast before reading your posts because a few days I didn't get to post before I lost my connection. So goes it on 'old Bessie'.

My emotions are a bit down and scattered. To an extent I can just watch them. Am still sticking to positive stuff, the ego is trying to lead me astray into old negative habits. Inevitably I indulge a little but don't go too far from the path. Feel the resistance. Pema would say to allow the discomfort. It is ego struggling. In my earthly world all goes pretty well, so I know that what is disagreeable is between my ears.

One of my old ways is to jump to fix it, swing the pendulum really wide. Today I looked up the nearby Buddhist temple to see what's happening. They still have sangha every Tuesday which used to be a meeting night for me. Now I have the opportunity. I would so like to be in a holy place with others, that used to be program. Lately I have started meditating and it has helped. I don't have to like everything about it, I know that I don't. But I need to be around peaceful people no matter what their creed.

What's good about today is that I can take my needs seriously but keep a light heart.

Follow Your Bliss, Follow Your Kiss, Take a Risk

Thank God for libraries. I've always been connected to them but now what a luxury to drop in and post a few words. Am on my way over to my art class. Yesterday I had a great day by changing it up some. Since I couldn't get on-line I walked to the local store to get a Sunday paper and learned that Chris Bojhalian was over at Rivier College speaking.

I have a special place in my heart for him because he often includes a gay character (once a trans-gender person) in his storyline and I find that so affirming, so positive. Anyway, the tail end of his talk and questions, he mentioned what he's currently reading so that's another reason that I'm here.

The best part of it all was having an idea and following it. For someone who has sat on her impulses for so long that they are lumpy and lifeless, it felt like a million bucks. And that's what's good about today.

Hmmm

I get so surprised sometimes. I was out with some friends last night and we must have gotten on the topic of new relationships. A friend was chiding me because that I made the statement that I would never enter a new one before I was out of an old relationship. She didn't think that I could possibly know that to be true, given the infinities of the future. I said I never have done life business that way and so I'm pretty sure that I can make that statement. She mentioned a mutual friend and went further to say that sometimes the messiness is part of the picture.

This morning I thought about it. I had told her that I wasn't judging anyone else just making the statement for myself. Thinking further on it, I realized how much I value being truthful and respectful of anyone I'm involved in, honoring the emotional let alone the formal contract that we might have.

Then I read today's post by my camera friend Daryl on her blog, on the m104, people are so surprising. Even when they are our friends or fellow bloggers. Humans all of us.

What's good about today is that I can notice differences without judgement. Just surprise.

Well, Look at Me

I'm here, really here. On the old computer that is doddering, occasionally fires up which makes it 100% more usable than the new one at this moment.

What jumps out at me is how I can lob snowballs at myself. For the past couple months I've been deep in my creative recovery, stripping off useless layers (I have two empty boxes next to me on the couch which will be filled with books that I am getting rid of today), getting more observative about the world and sharpening my senses.

My ego would like me to be back in my own rut. Or at least stop doing such hard stuff. Threatening stuff. So, it lobs stuff at me. Like yesterday it wanted me to focus on my son's defects, take his inventory and run with it. The kid is just a kid. His only sin was to be sitting around when I wanted to throw my weight around. Thank you God, I did not do that.

Although I am barely active in Alanon these days I give full thanks to it for my maturity. I grew up in those halls. And I learned about keeping my mouth shut until I'm really comfortable about is coming out of it. I went in when my son was nine and it has made me a patient, tolerant parent. Sometimes, I'm even a fun parent. And I'm a loving parent who can censor non-loving statements because she knows that she is tired. Fatigued with all the good stuff but fatigued, nonetheless.

So, I'm off to register at Nanowrimo. I love you all. Look at Letting Go to read the joys of blogging and look at Cat's new blog. We ARE STRONG WOMEN!!

What's good about today is all the places in our lives that we can find and give loving kindness.

Thanks for the Encouragement

Really, thank you. Especially when it comes to computers, I get so mad I could just spit. Sorry I don't have anything too inspiring to say, I'm coming to you today courtesy of my son's bedroom, on his set up, so I'm a little distracted.

The setbacks continue but I will not be vanquished, I continue on my program of writing daily sometimes several times, working out a few times a week, eating good/healthy food and nurturing my spiritual and creative self.

I'm a warrior in training, getting ready for Nanowrimo. Worst case scenario is I write off line. Which is still a good scenario. Went to Provincetown over the weekend and it was wonderful, brought home a little cast iron girl with wings on her back and a bird perched on her toe. Perfect for me to gaze at and remember what part I can take in this wonderful world.

What's good about today is a sense of renewal in an old world.

Levono is a No-No

Just a public service announcement from a Levono owner blogging from a public library. Instead of $$ coming back to me, I get a replacement. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, I'm so excited at another lemon coming my way.

A Clearer Head

Had a wonderful trip. Saw it with different eyes courtesy of being a recovering person further down the road. Came home ready to purge a few more things out of my life. Some of it physical. Some of it having to do with programs that are not so important.

I have to make room for what more perfectly nurtures my growing artist. Some things need to fall by the wayside. I need to feed her more photography and art and hope. There is no solace in the dark and I turn our faces to the sun.

What's good about today is everything.

Just A Note . . .

to say I'm around. I'm using 'old Betsy' who has gotten much more reliable since I bought Mr Smarty Pants new lap top. Who is difficult to reckon with, might even get sent back to his maker. Ms Betsy says "No problem, honey, I can take care of yuh".

I'm going away this wknd so maybe by next week will be back in a routine.

Nothing Comes on My Time Line, A Good Thing

Still having computer woes, think the modem is not installed correctly but since my computer guru is young and all, I will keep it to myself. Okay, I mentioned it twice but I'm not bringing it up again. Am going out of town this weekend so will take my new baby on the road and see if his performance is still spotty.

I find myself debating some of my habits. Who do I choose for friends, what is it that they value in me. How do I spend my time. I am more involved in the process of art than I am interested in 12 step meetings. How do I say goodby in some parts of my life.

Man, I'm tired. I really like it when things stay the same and then about 5 minutes later I get itchy with it and reach out for change. Then I get scared that I'll never be able to handle it, control it? Long for structure. Get structure. Long for change. Reach out, well you get the idea.

Listen, the coolest thing happened today. I am on facebook (I refuse to honor it with a capital letter) only because I could not successfully remove myself from that network. So, today I was contacted by my date for my 8th grade dance. We were both tortured by it and apparently it still takes up space in our heads. I didn't tell him that I never had another date or went to a dance until I was well out of school.

What's good about today is that my heart is in recovery not in illness. I am blessed and often have the grace to realize it.

I Am Back, I Am Front, I Am Sideways

Hi, I'm back. Very grumpy instead of being grateful. I have a brand new laptop. I had to have my son help me (asking for help, agghhh) do the most basic start up tasks. I don't like how everything looks because it looks all stretched out and different (different, agghhh).

I am so irritable that I just unplugged the refrigerator because it was annoyingly loud. I could have moved but I demand that my environ conform to me (agghhh).

But I'm happy to report that despite my short temper and frustration I really am grateful for this world, it's gentle blessings and the pleasures of being a spiritual being trying to live a physical life. My phone buddy and I are both undergoing a lot of changes in our patterns and perceptions and it is exhausting to both of us. The content varies for us but it has similar characteristics primarily around the mystery of how one gets comfortable when one's usual thinking and reactions don't work anymore. One is uncomfortable, that's what happens! It makes your fucking skin crawl and that should be the title of this post.

And what's good about today is that sooner or later you feel all right. You shed the crawly skin. You plug in the refrigerator. The bad times don't last so long, come so often or cut so deep. And you are definitely not returning back to where you were. Because we are part of the miracle, we have the spirit in our belly and we are growing.

I'll Be Back Momentarily

My lap top is on strike, doesn't like it's new USB thingie after all. How can it be okay one day and not on another. Sounds like it's human.

What's good about today is a good credit card because sometimes a new something is the way to go. And another good thing about today is a pen and paper because I write every day am and pm, in pre-Nanowrimo training. So, it's all good. But you knew that.

Love That Old Time Rant and Roll

You wouldn't believe how many clicketty clicks that it took to get back to you. I was ready to kick my blankety blank laptop into the blankety blank street. But now I'm on and in and soothed and love my quirky old buddy. Maybe not exactly love as tolerate.

As healthy as I get, I take my pathology with me. Today was a stay at home and take a break from stimulation day. Did some nice writing, rereading the last chapter I did in Artist's Way, got acquainted with my camera and took time to watch a DVD. The DVD, When Night Is Falling exceeded my expectations, took me down memory lane, had to watch the bonus stuff.

So, at 1:30 I panicked. I hadn't gotten into any of the stuff that I was going to nail down this weekend. I hurried out for my long walk, kept stopping to see if I could take a pic with new camera and finally permitted myself to turn around and come home since my interest today was not mileage. I did come home a way that I never had before and counted that as progress.

What bugged me was that I had no PRODUCT, no ACCOMPLISHMENT that my ego could show off today. What's good about today is that even though I have to go through a little Hell to get there, I can be proud of opening books instead of finishing them.

Oops

Recovery means living with the fact that you made a mistake, making an amend if necessary and forgiving yourself immediately. I get lots of practice.

What's good about today is treating myself like a cherished friend.

I'm Back Up!!

Didn't mean to miss a day but my USB thingie had been hanging on by a thread (knocked it off the bed which split off the plastic casing leaving it's naked little circuit board hanging on at a 90 degree angle) for months until it dropped off yesterday.

It was the non-perfect end to a non-perfect day for which I will take credit. Julia Cameron talks about being self-destructive in perfectly socially acceptable ways and I watched myself participate in that yesterday.

1) Over-worked, ignoring my fatigue, then

2) Full grocery shop list instead of just picking up milk, ignoring my good ideas, then

3) Evening get-ready-for-college workshop that my son would not attend, ignoring the inner voice that asked me why am I going if he isn't.

This is treating myself in a self-destructive manner. Yes, I got a lot accomplished but at a cost to my peace and sanity that was not worth it at all.

What's good about today is that I learned from yesterday. I did not accept unacceptable behavior from myself.