'We Seek Our Own Coma'

That's a quote from Chuck Palahniuk's new book called Diary. I know I do, that is, seek my own coma, I don't live my own life so much as weather it. Chuck wrote Fight Club , another dark story about survival, made into a movie that some of my AA friends LOVE.

We all have our own favorite numbing, oops, relaxing habits. I can lose myself in a puzzle book, a piece of fiction or a series of naps. The ultimate numb out is suicide, the big sleep. That held my fascination for decades. We get numb with food, with TV and video games. It all gives me temporary shelter from the anxiety. If I was compulsive, I would definitely be an alcoholic.

Today was the memorial service for my neighbor's older son, he succumbed to his drug addiction last month. He sought relief for the last time, his days are done, his family knows where he is at. He will never grow older than thirty eight in this world. I did not know him, I was not crying or speaking his praises. Just the neighbor from across the street. A witness to the day.

What's good about today is that I am above ground, still breathing the prana breath.