It's been a rocky few days, lost my emotional sobriety over some stuff at work. I hadn't thought about blogging on it until I read Syd's post ( I'm Just F.I.N.E. ) today, scroll down to the bottom and read the poetry that gives the analogy of being a guest house. People, places, things, thoughts come into us, stay awhile and then move along. I've been visited by martyrdom this week.
Martyrdom doesn't visit me that often, I'm a youngest child--I evade responsibility when possible. Anyway, I know I can be a tad serious at work. Meaning that others have mentioned that to me. Through the decades. Okay, something to pray about.
As I said in a meeting, I am the star victim in my story. So, I've been a big poop at work, a joy to be around and I've not been able to shake it. The answer to me is that I need to take better care of myself. I put in for a week of vacation. And then I'll put in for another week in September. I've been amazingly miserly with myself, trying to fashion a long weekend here and there, going bullshit when it doesn't work out, accepting this bad behavior from myself that I would never accept from anyone else, all because I've not asked for help.
A gift was foisted on me yesterday. I now have to clock in like others, initially I took it as just one more _____ thing to remember. Today, I see it as a gift, I will have to clock in and out for lunch, one more reinforcement to take care of myself. I can work overtime if I need to and I will be paid for it. What a concept!!!!
So, let those guests come to my house, what's good about today is putting my agape to the test!
That Happy Feeling
20 hours ago
i love that line.."star victim of my story"...I very much identify with that:) the bitter morass of self pity.....so grateful it can change whenever i want it to now...and I don't have to drown it in alcohol...
ReplyDeleteI can identify with much of what you share here in one way or another. Today though, it's good to be able to see these things in ourselves and know that we have to do better. Even better than that, is that we now have the tools and resources and willingness to improve ourselves!
ReplyDeleteI am now just catching up on your blog. Sorry for the long delay. I appreciate this post. I don't like to feel self-pity. But all the emotions will come to me at one time or another and I just have to deal with them. They can flow through me and not come to stay.
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