__LT

I've been a little LT this week, that's lonely, tired. Do you know the bedsore professionals have stolen our H-A-L-T? It was part of a power point that I saw, H is for history, A is for associated disease, L is for look at it, T is for temperature. Is nothing sacred??

My new priority is resting. I'm keeping this short, work is overwhelming but I know it would be 10 times worse without my program. Relief will come. In the meantime, I'm sick of myself enough to say that I've given up the right of suffering, it's a part of me and I'm treating it like a somewhat tiresome friend for whom I try to remember compassionately.

What's good about today is the journey without the expectation of destination, God is Everything or God is Nothing. Most definitely, God is Everything.

Still Good

Guess what? During the Roman Empire there was a civil war that lasted 20 years. People were so thankful when it was over that they lauded their leader, Octavius (Caesar) as Lord and King, they were so grateful that the fighting was done. The Prince of Peace came and put the word out and people wondered if victory really meant peace, or whether it was just a different kind of suppression. A republic ceases to be what it is and becomes an empire instead when order is based on military rule.

To speak one's truth becomes treason when dissension is outlawed. That was two thousand years ago and wars are still waged in the name of peace.

When will we learn and when will peace lovers be seen as commonplace instead of radical and suspicously un-patriotic? We seem forced to repeat history over and over. Blessed be.

Compassion to Ourselves, Take 2

I was in an emotional fugue yesterday, swung around in a different direction & struggling to figure it out. The only soothing thing antidote was to come across that quote in yesterday's post, 'with compassion, welcome the demon'.

That must have taken hold of me overnight. And it married with the comment often heard at AA meetings, 'I've given up my right to drink'.

What happened was that somewhere in my emotional stew, I realized that whatever condition my soul or my brain were in, each day would go on pretty much like the others. Saturday, do my chores. Sunday, go to church, etc.

I've given up my right to suffer. My suffering is an inside manifestation, it's what I default to, it has become a bad habit for me. To deny it would be to ask for more trouble, but instead I acknowledge it as a part of my make up. But I will NOT give it anymore energy. It is like a CD in my collection that I recall but that I'm not interested in playing any longer.

What's good about today is a change in my play book.

Compassion

Attributed to Machik Labdron in a book by Pema Chodron, "In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion."

I have demons today. I had thought of ignoring them (feelings are not facts) but being compassionate with myself never occurs to me. I think I'll take a nap.

What's good about today is tucking the demons in after a hot cup of tea. After all, nobody else is visiting (except maybe you?).

Love,
Carol

If I Knew the Way, I would Take You There

Words by Robt Hunter, music by Jerry Garcia (last line of the song, Ripple)

One of the old timers at the meeting and I were talking afterwards last week and he was joyfully commenting that it felt like people were talking about coming home. There was much gratitude and peace, I do feel on the fringe because I'm not chemically dependent, trying to stay sober. I'm just a hurtin' person, going with what works, trying to find my way home.

If I knew the way, I would take you there . . .

More Words from Mr Fulglum

Praxis: Activity as opposed to Theory

The older I get, the less attention I pay to what people say or think or hope. I notice what they do, how they live and what they work for.

______

"Where's home for you?" a stranger asks a fellow traveler on a plane.
"Wherever she is" comes the reply, as the man points at his wife.

______

Okay, back to me. Did I tell you that I have started taking an Education for Ministry evening class? It will be half & half studying the Bible, synthesizing analysis of the text/culture of the time and exploring our own spirituality. I took it because I want to know the richness that is there, a sort of 'heady' reasoning. Now, it occurs that I may experience profound growth dispite my lack of expectation. Can you stand it?? The world and ourselves as part of it hold such amazing opportunities.

That's what's good about today.

Words I Wish I Wrote

By Robert Fulglum

There is really nothing you must be
And there is nothing you must do.
There is really nothing you must have
And there is nothing you must know.
There is really nothing you must become.

However. It helps to understand that fire burns and when
it rains, the earth gets wet.

_______

Just sifting through things, separating the wheat from the chaff. I will offer up seeds as I find them.

Busy, Busy

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted. Work has been a 50+ hour/week deal and I'm taking an 'Education for Ministry' class once a week that is pretty intense. Also juggling bank accounts to pay son's tuition and know that I have to apply for financial aide. It's on the list!

Along with finishing my indoor & outdoor projects (official compost pile is now set up) before I start another round of them. But six days a week I get my morning meeting in and it keeps me right sized, higher powered centered and grateful for the 'problems' that I have.

Oh, yeah, we weathered our annual state survey this week just fine so onward and upward.

Love to y'all,
Carol

Back to Work

This past weekend I had a lot of trouble staying in the present. My vacation was coming to a close and I couldn't stop thinking about work and focus on more valuable things.

So, this morning I went to my am meeting and stayed a little later than usual on a work day, determined to hear something that would restore me to sanity. What came to me was that besides being fearful, I was stuck in self-pity. I was worrying that I would have a lot to do, that people would be leaning on me.

And I remembered the St Francis prayer and determined that I would spread some joy and hope instead of looking for others to support me. I'm not sure that I accomplished it but I know that I finished the day in much better shape than I started it.

What was good about today is that I let program lead me to my better self.

Things I Didn't Get to Say This Morning

1) Both/All fellowships, AA, Alanon etc. Our common culprit is addiction, we are the affected and the afflicted and sometimes both. Let's not fight with each other, that is the disease winning.

2) On the Writer's Almanac (NPR) this morning, I heard about O.Henry, I'm not sure whether today is his birthday or the anniversary of his death. He died at age 47 of alcoholism, cirrhosis of the liver. Just think how much we miss because addiction takes people before their time. Children miss their fathers, the world is cheated of their music, art and literature. We've have missed a few Bill Gates in the mass of people who have died an untimely death related to alcohol use. What a different world if we had the use of everyone's talents.

3) Oops, can't remember. Got too wrapped up in #2.

What's good about today is that I get another day to play in my life. I will try to finish more projects than I start ;>)

Labor Day

Sorry for the absence, I logged on Saturday but had trouble getting around courtesy of Earl.

So, short cut to now, all is good in the hood. I have a week off work as long as nothing hideous is going on and they have to call me in to help. My son, my son starts college tomorrow. I also will accompany him to the DMV and pay his fine so that he gets his driving privileges. I rehearsed how I was going to state that this business was between him and the court but when I saw his school schedule (in the opposite direction of my work) and knowing that he has to get a job and that I have been working gigunda hours. Well, I had to re-think it. And voted to be an enabling but happier mother & pay his bill out of his college fund. Therefore, in theory, he needs to pay the fund back. Yeah, I don't think he's going to take that too seriously, either.

Ah, well, wear my recovery like a loose garment.

Adios. What's good about today is that I've already been to a meeting, posted on my blog and I'm off to meet friends for a serious game of miniature golf and will return home to continue digging up my front yard for more garden space. Let's all it awhile in the shade today!

Hello September

Nothing like angst to make me a more regular blogger! Continue to feel a little better, I went out for lunch, went to the gym instead and had a session, I knew it was the break that would allow me to put in a long day.

Tomorrow I'll take a long break again and help my son with a ride to continue to take placement tests to see if he can do college level work. Sigh. It will be cooler tomorrow and I am supposed to have next week off which will be great. But, I'm keeping it in the day and the day is GOOD.

What's good about today is that I feel more at ease in my own skin.