Small Thing, Big Thing

1) You know, if God could just add 5 hours to the day then I could take some photographs on my seldom used new camera, upload them (is that what you do?) to my blog and show you more of my life. Perhaps something to achieve in 2010.

2) I came home from mtg last night a little disgruntled, weary, a tad down on myself thinking that I haven't had any zingy (poor, poor girl) happiness, flush of awareness & flourishing feelings in what, a week?

My immediate self talk was that it was the holidays, the best that I've had in my memory in terms of peacefulness & grace & gratitude. I should think that would 'do' in place of stratosphere encompassing rapid self aggrandizing growth!!!

My second act was to pull out my Artist's Way book and read the page that mentions that at times "Your changes may be more like cloud (hey Cloudia!) movements, from overcast to partly cloudy. It is important to know that no matter which form your growth takes, there is another kind of change, slower and more subtle, accumulating daily whether your sense its presence or not. . . Just as travelers on a jet are seldom aware of their speed unless they hit a patch of turbulence, so, too, travelers on the Artist's Way are seldom aware of the speed of their growth"

Damn, isn't she good. Isn't it great that people can speak so well and say it for us, that, my friends, beloveds who say it so well, that is what is good about today.

Tuesday Ramblings

Rigel is the featured star in the astronomy pic of the day. One of my bosses named her daughter that and she is now a pharmacist in another state. Imagine naming your child after a star, that is wonderful.

I went to my Alanon meeting. Not my favorite mtg of the week but it gets me say my piece (peace) but it is not where my heart and soul live.

On Friday I will likely head over to a nearby Buddhist temple and participate in a meditation as they welcome the public in and welcome us to lunch. I went to Friday Puja ceremonies for a period of time a couple years ago. Three years ago it was a first date of sorts with a woman I dated for awhile, New Years Day, that is, not Puja.

Before the meeting I watched the Will Smith movie, Seven Pounds, with Mom. It was lovely although I resented being kept in the dark most of the movie as to what it was about, if you've seen it you know what I mean.

I started crying out of the blue this am while driving to work. I was remembering how it was to be married to the father of my son. It was some flavor of pain that needed to come out.

Jan 1st I start my Nanowrimo re-writes, I'm glad about that.

What's good about today is that I have much to be thankful for. The range of things above just scratch the surface, I am blessed with a full life.

Any Ideas?

You know there is a path that my mother sometimes gets on that annoys me. It gets me so quickly that it's hard to identify what just happens, I'm not sure why it sets me off. She will say something like 'Oh Carol, it's too bad that you have to put up with your old mom, it's not really fair to you for me to be foisted on you, you have your own life'.

My remark to her this evening was to ask her if she knew that she was smiling as she said that and that I feel like she is just playing a game. I feel demeaned as if I'm made to be her audience or maybe I resent her dramatizing. I'll ask my program friend in the morning for some feedback and I'll make it back to Tuesday night meeting too.

What's good about today is awareness. And patience, always patience. And asking for help, that's a very good thing about today.

Excerpt From Morning Pages

God must love humans, he takes care that we have such interesting lives that we always get another chance, truly like a benevolent universe that always wants us to grow fresh shoots--God is CRAZY--the seed of plants that is produced in total excess of the need to replicate itself, like the eggs in a toddler's ovary that could populate the state, such as signs that the world should go on that we are blessed and our every need is anticipated and met in abundance, whatever I have to give the world there is a hand and a hand-up ready to receive it.

What's good about today is that even thought I went half my life thinking that I carried it on my shoulders, I now know that I am carried. The universe loves me as I love it and that there will always be 'enough' and that I only need to ask. I can show this to my mother and to my boy that they might not be so lonely thinking that they carry the load of their life. I told that to my mother the other day and she said 'please say it again' and I did and she thanked me and turned away with tears in her eyes. No one has ever told her that she does not have to worry and that all her needs will be met. No one ever told me until I came into recovery.

Thank you.

Christmas Eve

My Pandora station is playing Simon & Garfinkel, Bridge Over Trouble Waters. There are sirens in the background, Santa comes to town on a fire truck with police escort and they go up and down each street so that no child gets left out, it's a raucous deal, can be heard a long time before they are actually on your street. My mother has gone grumpily off to bed. Will be grumpily out of bed wondering what the Sam Hell is going on when the Santa entourage comes past the house. She won't miss it because the dog will be going bananas barking his head off. He finds Santa exciting and he likes fire trucks even more. Combined, well you can imagine, it would only be topped by a couple live reindeer trotting along beside the truck.

What's good about today is everything. My dog agrees with this, I should listen to him more often, I guess.

Satisfying

That is the word that keeps coming to mind when I think about having my mom with me. It is as if there is a piece of the puzzle that has dropped into place that I didn't know was missing. This Christmas will be celebrated by three generations under my roof. I don't recall it in my life, certainly not three generations living with each other, that has not happened in the last century for our clan.

For what it's worth, I'm glad that my son can witness this kind of taking care of each other, family. I've hardly had time to check in with him on how he's doing with this change, I know that the two of them are mildly amused by each other.

And so here I am. Mom took herself to bed at 8:30 after arranging presents along the wall under the tree and then complimenting me on that arrangement. And asked me about six times whether the tree lights would be turned out tonight. Followed by four times asking me if would be turning the house lights out. Yes and yes, I back out of the room, taking everything that I could possibly need tonight so that I do not have to come downstairs again and accidentally wake her.

But that is life. She has a disease that is taking a predictable course marked by fear and anxiety, difficulty making the simplest decisions and abandonment of long held daily habits. What's good about today is that we have each other.

Busy, Busy, Busy

It's 2am and I'm wide awake, my mind racing. The holidays, the cooking, the mother, the job, the interviewing for another counterpart. Yup, that's about it.

So, I'm up writing about it, think that I'll write some morning pages about it. Such a tiring day that I got home a bit late, an hour or so. I didn't feel like rushing off for my Tues night Alanon meeting. Instead sat with my mom watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. A nice habit but not one that I want to miss too many meetings over, I an set her up with it on the TV and then leave if I need to. I say NEED from the perspective of self care. I will feel refreshed if I attend to going to a meeting or out to the gym.

It's an opportunity having my mother so close to me after all these years. She is the genesis of my world view, no wonder that I had to put physically a lot of miles between us in order to find my way in the world, to grow up. Part of my morning is to watch for the sunrise, sit and watch it, revel in this connection with the beauty available just for the looking, enjoy the spiritual aspect of being a small piece of such a fantastic whole. It's like looking at the tininess and hugeness of life all at once, a reverent way to start the day.

My mother, not so reverent. She gets the beauty but in her words this am, just another morning. She does 'not get' that the universe is abundant and ready to provide for her. She does not get that she is blessed just by being here. It's all on her shoulders in such a limited belief system and those shoulders are tired.

The difference is that now I know she is like many others and I don't have to take it personally or try to fix her. I just need to speak my piece and claim my ground occasionally. And then let her be. She has her own higher power whether she claims it or not.

What's good about today is tolerance. It begins at home for me. Peace in our hearts, peace in our homes, peace in the world.

Monday, Monday

Just sitting here all cozy-like after walking the dog in 20MPH frigid winds on top of the 28 degrees. God bless central heating sources. God bless my fuzzy little dog who keeps 'grandma' company all day, they have bonded, his little cocker spaniel tail stub beats triple time when she makes a move.

My sister has let go of my mom's apt so it looks like Mom's stuck with me. It's all a slow process but it feels good to come home and have family here. We watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy tonight to improve our minds.

It worked. Now I'm going to say my prayers and listen for answers and that will improve my heart. And that's what's good about today.

Here I Am

Unbelievably, I am sitting in front of my new Dell Slim Tower computer, actually blogging at home. All seems okay so far, I have confidence that this baby will hum, perform and last.

I'm so finding it unreal that I am having a problem finding something to say.

Yes, I live in the Northeast. And yes, I went to a matinee performance today, the show must go on. It played to a half empty hall but so be it.

I have been putting pressure on myself to sound more 'writerly' since I've resumed the blog since the writing contest is finished. Pressure doesn't work with me.

It occurred to me as I was womaning a snow shovel that I am no longer afraid. I'm right sized and ready to hit my knees as ever. But, in terms of facing human problems, I'm not afraid. I meet them face to face and don't awfulize stuff because I know that I'm not in charge. My job is to show up, pay attention, do my best and not get caught up in the outcome. I can let things be.

And that's what's good about today. Acceptance.

A Thankful Saturday

Just a note to say that all is well.

+My mother and I both survived me going back to work on Friday.

+The new computer came yesterday and I will put it together this weekend.

+I needed to write and so I am doing that very thing in my public library.

+I know that 'how I do with my mother' has everything to do with me and little to do with her.

+I am thankful for my program and the friends and teachings that I have grown to know and love.

+The ponds are growing gray with slippy hard ice, the skies are low and contemplative, the pockets of last weeks snow delight the eye and the harsh, clean air fill me with anticipation.

That's what's good about today.

An Opportunity

Came to the library to blog and give my mother a trip out into the world. Thank you for your support, I do have program friends to call upon and I was at an Alanon mtg last night, an open AA mtg this am. The rubber hits the road when I return to work on Friday.

It's a rich time. There are a lot of potential co-da type questions that come up, overall I'm pleased to know that I am upbeat and available to her. I have to have some time away from her as well and am experimenting with that eg. getting out to meetings etc. She is often unhappy and at loose ends. Thankfully, she has befriended the dog. Typically, she does not like dogs or babies or other cuddlies but she can't resist those big soft cocker spaniel eyes. Pet therapy rules.

It's also an interesting proposition to have your parent dependent on you. It's not always great for her but I cannot fix her or make her happy and she was not able to do the same for me. It's a time of healing at this darkest time of the year. That's what's good about today.

And It Is Day 4

We are getting used to this, my mother and I. My little self was out and we created a nice non-dominant hand drawing of a bird sculpture. She is different every day. It evolves. And that is what is good about today.

Well, I've Got Her

Living with someone with dementia is like living with someone with active disease. Emotional labile outbursts, neediness and dependence, irrational thought processes. Oh, my.

So, it pushes me deeper into my program. I'm driven to attend to my creative self, I've been writing away, using some of her mutterings to counter mine, who knows where this takes us . . . my faith is deep enough that I trust the process and I remember that it is just a day or a moment at a time.

The experience unfolding in my house, let's not forget the high school senior enjoying the distraction away from himself (recently confronted by me about marijuana use), is as it is, neither good or bad. The day is beautiful in it's own way and I am grateful for it's gifts regardless of whether they are the ones that I requested.

And that's what's good about today.

Go West Young Woman, And Get Your Mother

Just a note to say hello and to say that my computer is supposed to come next week and I hope to commune with you daily. I miss writing you and I feel that I have to breeze through your posts rapidly out here in public library land.

Tomorrow, I take off to get my mom and bring her home with me for awhile. This is a constant temptation for me to project into the future and get myself tied into a knot. How lucky I am to be getting lots of practice in staying in the moment.

I will carry you all with me.

That's what's good about today. And tomorrow.

On the Fly

Another reason not to think that you can write your life story on a library computer. Sticky keys!! I sound like I'm writing on an old typewriter, I have to attack the keys to get them to strike.

Enough whining. My life is getting a little soap opera-ish. My mom is definitely coming for 'awhile' AND I realized my son is definitely smoking reefer. Bad boy. I told him to stop. And why to stop.

He lost his keys yesterday and again today. Duh.

What's good about today is that we all have our coping skills. I didn't do any drugs when I was in his age but I engaged in negative behavior with myself, I sold myself out. It's a long trip for some of us. He has his own higher power and I trust that all is right in the world.

Dust Sculptures in the Rosey Nebula

That's the title of the astronomy picture today and it is beautiful. I love the idea that there are 'dust sculptures'. And I love that there are mothers whether we want them or not.

I've invited my mom to stay with me for awhile. I've spent my life moving further and further away and now I'm 500+ miles away. And now I'm inviting her into my life . . . and so it goes.

What's good about today is that we are all astounding.

Put Down the Gun

Thank you for your support! I stopped by the library to check on the Nano situation and read about what you are doing. I really missed my blogging and although it feels weird writing in a library and I'm pretty emptied out of words I'll just make one point.

It was during my last day or two of writing that it came to me that when I judge someone I usually enjoy, yes, enjoy the fact that it elevates me and knocks them down a notch. I thought about it in context of an upcoming trip to see my sister and dreading it. But not because I'm fretting about her, I'm worried that I will be rude because I judge the heck out of her.

Now my point is that when I use my words against someone it is like drawing a gun on someone to 'bring them down'. Personally, I'm a sissy, had a chance to fire a gun once and declined. So, I have found it effective, in that never-ending job of watching my mouth, to remind myself to put down my weapon.

What's good about today is that gifts come out of strange places.