Joy

Heaven help me but I seem to be in an upswing . . .

~sleeping like a baby since I started that yoga/art class, it tires me out in a good way

~have not spoken an unkind to/about anyone since I read that to 'criticize someone else is actually giving oneself sloppy praise'

~in contrast to last weekend I have nothing planned for this one, I have a new camera to learn about, maybe I'll figure out how to upload a pic onto my blog, I live in a great area, can't wait to share it with you

~I volunteered to do a workshop at the NE CoDA convention in 6wks, topic is The Virtue Trap, Block to Creativity; initially I didn't want to add anything to my load but I would love to see what people have to say about it, I'll introduce the idea & share a little of my path, pass a basket with papers folded up w/words of wisdom/quotes/questions about the subject. People can have a few minutes to compare notes with their neighbors, then we'll let people share their thoughts with the big group and I'll have some closing words at the end. I'm pretty psyched about it. I think if I just focus on that and running registration I won't be too stressed.

~out of my 8 hour day, I spent it in 5 hours of meetings. I'm still in a good mood, feel fresh & think that I might get to my open AA mtg in the morning for the first time in 2 weeks. It's because I'm taking care of myself in new ways.

So, adios, good blogger buds, have a marvelous-so day and night. What's good about today is that I have no doubt that I am in the right place at the right time and that there is peace in my heart and in my home. Blessed Be.

Nothing, Nothing, Something

This morning I was feeling very silent as I struggled to come up with words to fill 3 morning pages. I considered since I'm on week 7 of Artist's Way and I am an adult that perhaps Julia Cameron could look the other way if I downgraded myself to 2 pages. Then I wrote the third page.

Came home exhausted from working, ravenous. Satiated myself with potato chips and sour cream, cleared off my coach, sipped decaf, fell into trance, revived and opened Natalie Goldberg's Long Quiet Highway, Waking Up in America.

Natalie writes all the time. Meditates a week at a time. Embraces the pain of sitting face to face with yourself with pen in hand. She's a tiger. For her, it's breaking through to a new place. Waking up to consciousness.

I can do three pages a day. Maybe three at night, too. Training for Nanowrimo in November. Half measures avail us nothing. Join me, won't you?

Crazy Good

Just claiming my seat. I'm thankful for all the good in the world. I'm thankful that even some of the stuff that doesn't seem so good also has a purpose, hidden from me at the time. I'm thankful that there is limited justice in the world. If I had to face a consequence each time that I erred, I would be too busy to do the good that I am able to do.

Most of all, I am thankful for the generosity and plenitude in the world. In Annie Dillard's words, "God is Crazy"!

Healing

Conventions are very healing. We had a committee meeting as our group is 'putting on' the New England CoDA Convention, November 13-15, you all are invited, see the NE CoDA website for info if you are in the area and register with yours truly, Carol, grateful member etc., etc.

My Alanon sponsor, God bless her. We had an important 5 years or so together when I started out in program. Her blessing was that she was strong in service and loved conventions. I went to my first when I was barely a year in program and I was hooked. Between NH and MA Alanon, Intl Alanon last year in Pittsburgh and CoDA, I've been to probably 10 conventions, each different/memorable in their own way. A couple have been nearby and I have gone that Saturday and maybe returned on Sunday morning, they were great. Most have been further away and I've stayed overnight, in that bubble of program, that healing bubble and they have been sublime.

That said, I have no expectations when I go to conventions except that I expect a nice time and validation of the value of program. What I usually find is a solution of issues within me that I did not know even existed. It is that healing of an experience.

Just today, I was asked to lead a workshop at the convention, any topic of my choice. I declined, stating that as registrar and recovering co-dependent, I did not want to take on more than I could handle. Tonight I was re-reading the past week's chapter in Artist's Way, reveling in the richness of CoDA issues, reflecting that a workshop in recovery of creativity would be well received, I realized that I am willing to do that thing. Yes, it's service and yes, it heals me.

What's good about today is that creator sourced creativity is not work in the usual sense of the word.

Today is Not Your Enemy

I think it is Eckhart Tolle who mentions that each day is our friend or our enemy depending on our perspective. I can turn the present into my enemy if I am seized with anxiety with what I think will happen or won't happen. I can miss the abundance offered to me if I am caught up with self imposed demands and heroic tasks to manage.

What's good about today is that though momentarily, my life may become unmanageable, I can greet each hour as my friend, to be appreciated as I am able.

Feeling Empowered

~I just learned something new on the computer.

~Had a fairly long, personal conversation with a friend's partner. Hasn't happened before in the 2 years we've known each other.

~Went to a yoga/art class this week and took it all in stride. Left with a grin instead of cha-grin. Hee, hee.

~Hugged a co-Alanoner who I've known for years but am now working on something together outside of the meeting world.

What's good about today is being thankful for my life and looking forward to tomorrow instead of fearing it.

Yes, I Mean No; Let Me Get Back to You

It's my last day off so will probably change to evening posts after today. It looks like the clouds might evaporate and let the sun shine on through. If I see it today I am going to take a blanket out and bask in it. Soak it up, nature's energy.

My thought for today is that our strengths are our weaknesses. I'm thinking in particular that a quality I share with addicts and maybe humankind is that I always want MORE. It's a part of my 4th step inventory and something that I am vigilant about. HOWEVER, in other aspects of my life I need to keep up my curiosity and say yes to abundance. Not be miserly in the bounty that the source of all bestows upon me.

What's good about today is that when all is said and done, it is my actions that count, not my hopes and worries. I can count on the eternal goodness of life to show me the way and to always take it a day at a time.

Explore Daily The Will of God

A quote from Carl Jung. I read it this morning in Artist's Way and am tuned into what will be coming out soon, a notebook of art and thoughts called the Red Notebook which was kept under lock and key for quite awhile after his death, for more background see yesterdays NY Times, probably the magazine section, I read it on-line.

Jung is one of those leaders who dared mentioned God. My masters is in counseling, BA in psychology and in the 1980's never the twain shall meet. Spirituality and Psychology/Psychiatry. So, I worshipped at the altar of higher education but I never found my answers there.

Which I think is idiotic. In my world, the basis of all is spirituality and if there is something amiss, then the answer for me has been to tweak my relationship with that which has no name, the source, the god/dess, the power that is greater than my understanding. Obviously, I am going to give the caveat that there are imbalances that need medical attention, yadda, yadda.

As I look back, like a Monday morning quarterback, I veered far off the track as I studied. My separation from God had everything to do with my long standing depressive feelings and obsession with suicide. But I couldn't find the path. I worshipped at churches and I worshipped at school and I worshipped at others and marvelled at their seeming appearance of fellowship and home in the world.

It has been a long road and I'm not finished yet. In an Alanon book there is a Wendell Berry quote about making your journey and feeling yourself to be at home in the end. It is enough that I feel myself happier than ever before. That puts me at a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10 (ten being the highest, wise guys!).

What's good about today is that although I do not feel myself to be at home, I am at a very good resting place. As if on a backpacking trek, I can sit by the brook, hang some clothes out on the branches to dry and face the sun to drink in it's greeting.

Sunday Gratitude

This morning my 'morning pages' free association ran to gratitude. It's been a full day but nothing can top an expression of honest gratitude so here goes.

My life is perfect, I live in a fairy tale. Really, I'm grateful to be unencumbered by relationship, debt, physical or mental infirmity. I am young enough to feel good, old enough to be thoughtful and able to see form and to feel presence. These are truly my golden years. I have a job that has challenges but does not crush me. A son that I love who surprises me. I live in a wonderful port of the country where I can explore beaches and mountains. Let me be intoxicated--so says Beaudelaire . . .

Charles-Pierre Baudelaire sez

You must always be intoxicated.
That sums it all up: it's the only question. In order not to feel the horrible burden of time which breaks your back and bends you down to the earth, you must be unremittingly intoxicated.

But on what? Wine, poetry, virtue as you please. But, never be sober.

What's good about today is gratitude and celebration in all it's forms.

Holy Hannah, She's Jammin' Again

Good God. I'm beginning to see why women of a certain age say that they used to make jam. It's because they are older and wiser and know better. Let's just say that I have some more advice on making jam, beyond my previous blog on the subject, must have been in June because it was strawberry season.

1) Cultivate non-dominant hand dexterity so that you can continue grabbing boards, utensils, rags while your dominant hand continues stirring, as instructed, continuously.

1.5) Make the jam same day as picking the berries. Don't hold them in the refrigerator a few days, pick through the moldy ones, swear that you will never do that again. And then do it again.

2) Practice yoga stretches prior to turning on stove so that one can make acrobatic moves and lunges while making above grabbing moves.

3) Beware of jam that spits at you. It casts tiny drops of pink goodness only nano-seconds before lobbing globs of it on your naked soft white hands.

3.5) Wear dark or berry colored clothing.

4) Do NOT scream, it scares the dog.

5)Do not be alarmed at smells such as sugar turning to carbon, keep stirring, it's too late, what the hell.

6) Don't worry if you think you contaminated the jar sterilization procedure, it's too late, what the hell.

7)Make your son happy by assuring him that all the jars are staying in the house. He doesn't know that, by now, you are worried about others eating your jam and DYING.

I Didn't Know That I Didn't Know

It's funny or tragic that once we wake up to ourselves, that we stand up in our own reality, we can recite the line (I didn't know that I didn't know) with impunity as if we are finished with it. Okay, okay, I need to own it and not project it on to my brilliant readers. So, on any given day, I will try to remember that I am always a child turning the pages of a book that will tell me new things, paint new vistas, that will, in fact, blow my mind. If, I have Beginners Mind, exalted in Buddhism and 12 Step Programs then I am always open minded. Beware of Hubris. I had a short vision type of dream last night. It was poop being flushed away. I flushed. More poop in the bowl. Flushed. Oops, more to get rid of. I think it was condensed hubris I was trying to get rid of!!

Here is something I found that I really like, poem from Robt Fulglum

There is really nothing you must be
And there is nothing you must do
There is really nothing you must have
And there is nothing you must know.
There is really nothing you must become.
However. It helps to understand that fire burns,
and when it rains, the earth gets wet . . .

What's good about today is the willingness to open our minds and hearts.

Source Unknown

No words from me tonight as I am spent. Here are some that I wrote down awhile back.

Praxis:Activity as opposed to Theory
The older I get, the less attention I pay to what people say or think or hope. I notice what they do, how they live, and what they work for.

Forgive the dangling participle.

God has already forgiven it. What's good about today is everything, whether I like it or not.

Hold My Calls

I will be . . .

1) Hurrying outside to get my mile in before it gets too dark.

2) Making raspberry jam (good pickin' today after a sunny week) if I remember to buy more sugar while out on walk, see #1.

3) Smiling ear to ear. Please jump on Yarn-A-Go-Go blog on my blogroll to celebrate with Rachael Herron, newly published writer. I have followed her blog for 4 years or so, almost did Nanowrimo because of her. Every now and then I leave a comment for her which she graciously answers in her totally upbeat way. She rocks and is enjoying the unveiling of her first book of a three book contract, I just got to hear her voice for the first time! My dearly departed sister is smiling over my shoulder at all this because she is the one who turned me on to her blog, the only one that I had ever followed before I caught on to 100 Sober Blogs a year ago.

What is good about today is that sometimes success comes to those who work hard and are kind to others. Rock On, Bloggers, Rock On.

The Virtue Trap

Cameron describes the faux spirituality arising from the virtue trap, akin to feeling superiority over others. The virtue trap alludes to cultivating patience and generosity beyond the bounds of average human nature, we proclaim ourselves above it. Taking the high road until we can no longer find our way home, a lonely solitude, we no longer trust compliments because our behavior has become estranged from our true self. In psychiatric jargon, we have dissociated. On the outside, we look fine. On the inside, we cannot find ourselves.

What's good about today is experimenting with being 'pretty good' instead of excellent, without fault. Let me take today to adjust my expectations of myself and listen for my internal voice.

"Dependence on the creator within

is really freedom from all other dependencies. Paradoxically, it is also the only route to real intimacy with other human beings. Freed from our terrible fears of abandonment, we are able to live with more spontaneity. Freed from our constant demands for more and more reassurance, our fellows are able to love us back without feeling so burdened." taken from p. 95 of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.

Let Go of The Fear needs to be printed everywhere we look. Okay, I'm going to letter up some cards and put one in each of my rooms, my car and on my desk. It will be everywhere I look and that is the only way my world will change, it begins with I.

What's good about today is that I can stop pointing fingers at 'the world' and depend on the creator within to take care of me.


PS I did get welcomed into Wellsphere if I choose to have this blog run there. The director would like to put it with the alcoholism ones which I'm not really thrilled about since that doesn't personally describe me. No decision needed right now so will wait on it for now.

I Love . . .

~That I have 20 followers instead of 19. Twenty seems like a much fatter, happier number than nineteen. Although 19 is prime, very special, it was a skinny not quite complete number, it seems to me. I could go on and on (moon in Virgo, sun in Aquarius) . . .

~That it is no longer September 11th.

~That I told my secret to someone tonight. No, I am not pregnant. There is a part of my story that I am very careful about. I have told it here and there and it is painful. I think I may begin a campaign of prayer to forgive myself. And I know that I will tell my program friend when the time is right. Like tomorrow. And I will heal. (Amends have been made and are ongoing in changed behavior, so please don't go there.)

~That birds can dance.

~That there is much delightful in the world.

What's good about today is the ability to look outward as well as inward.

Mystery of Hua Solved

Don't know if this is true for you but when I get a comment, it also goes to my e-mail. So, even though I lost it when I tried to publish the comment, the content was in my in-box. The site is called WellSphere.com or something like that and caters to all areas of health, just took a look around, didn't hit me one way or another. I don't know if this blog would stream into their directory or if I would have to write specifically for them, I would think that it would carry over since I gave them my url etc. Please write me if you have more of a clue than I do.

Anyway, it is Saturday, thank you, thank you source of the universe, thank you labor movement of the Industrial Revolution, thank you Jewish Kingdom for having the holy day different from Sunday enabling us to enjoy a two day weekend. Thank you for those who died clearing the way for this and many other rights that we enjoy but take for granted.

I'm grateful this morning, can you tell! A grateful heart will never bitch. It is raining this morning. Even so, this shall be a weekend of fun with friends, viewing beautiful things and enjoying laughter. My house is clean, my wood is dry, my cupboards are full and my heart is open. Hallelujah Baby.

What's good about today is that even in knowing that this too shall pass, I can enjoy the moments of peace, joy and serenity.

Hua, Healthy Blogs, Where Are You?

I received a nice comment and an invitation to check out a blog/site?/collection? from Hua but I bungled the comment and lost it into cyberspace, couldn't remember the key words well enough to google it. Clearly, it's a good thing that I'm not entrusted w/nuclear energy or something because there may not be enough safeguards in place to keep me from bobbling IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Enough with self-flagellation. I'm up in the wee hours, went to bed too early, tired out from stacking wood but awake and mulling over annoying details like lost comments, work misunderstandings, mysteries such as Will I Ever Get Over Myself?

Since it's just you and me all cozy at 3am, let me again tell you what a good time I'm having with Artist's Way. Two years ago I gave it a try with a group that fizzled but now I'm getting so much more out of it since I've gotten involved w/CoDA in the meantime. She never mentions that at all and only obliquely refers to her alcoholism. I'm just having a much richer experience. Let me tell you that I'm not creating anything per se but it is definately recovery and rewarding. Bouquets to you, Julia, MUHH!

What's good about today is sharing your gifts.

Again Nothing More, Nothing Less

Groove-alicious. Took me a minute to spell that out. Nothing good, nothing bad. Welcomed my co-worker back with (figuratively) open arms. Have some events to look forward to this weekend. It may rain a couple out but that's okay too.

What's good about today is that I'm going to bottle some of this mellow, just like MC's peaches.

Nothing More, Nothing Less

Something rumbling, something brewing, not wishing anything away, not lettin' it pass, hoping for it to blow wide open!!! Trust God, always, whoopee!!

Control Patterns (this could be you!)

Codependents:

believe most others are incapable of taking care of themselves,

attempt to convince others what they should think and feel,

become resentful when others refuse their offers of help,

freely offer advice and guidance without being asked (I smell a little of that in Blogville, just sayin'),

lavish gifts and favors on those they care about,

use sex to gain approval and acceptance,

have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.

For many of us, codependence became worse as we grew up. Behaviors that may have served us well in childhood are now causing our lives to deteriorate. As our codependence gets worse, we lose our ability to acknowledge this pain and its harm.

What's good about today is (the first promise of CoDA) I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

And it has.

The Source

Whatever magical power we emanate from is within us, we swim in grace. Blessings are ours for the asking, abundance . . . well, it abounds. It's all big and it's all small, full of space.

Got to go make breakfast, waffles for me, eggs for the kid. Happy Day.

Hah! I'm Back

All right, so I tried to start my laptop again. This time I plugged it in. Now, don't look at me like that. It has a battery. Which apparently is as useful as a brick at this point. I had disconnected the lap top completely in an attempt to shut it off. As my computer fixer has stated, trouble in shutting off a computer usually means future trouble turning it on. And so it goes.

Compliance Patterns
Codependents:
compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people's anger,

are very sensitive to others' feelings and assume the same feelings,

are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long,

place a higher value on others' opinions and feelings, and are too afraid to express differing view points or feelings,

put aside personal interests and hobbies to do what others want,

accept sex as a substitute for love.

Cited from CoDA 'big book' p4.

I rate fairly high in these qualities, the loyalty piece hooked my interest when I first read these. Nowadays I feel better. Although I still have the illogical belief that I should have never changed partners/moved 'away'/changed jobs etc,etc. I can catch my mind touching on this as if I was running my tongue over a sore spot in my mouth, just checking to see if it still hurts in that area. What's good about today is that I can accept it as part of living in my skin, wish the past well and change the channel to something more current and positive.

PS One of the TV shows I watch is Religions and Ethics Weekly on PBS Sunday morning (check pbs.org for local listing) which is a great show that carries 4 or 5 stories each week. They profiled Father Leo this am, check out their site for more of that story.

Technical Difficulties

Library closing down, am jotting a quick line to you. Home computer is on the fritz so this is my route. Hmm, new title, Four Routes, that just doesn't sound right.

What's worse is I don't have time to read all your stuff.

Quick word on Labor Day that I heard on NPR. We have the labor effort to thank for two days off. That's right. Two days. The Weekend. Just think, people died for that. Sunday was easy, a day of worship. Saturday got added as there were so many Jews workin g in the factories.

Hah! Two days in a row off. see ya!

Low Self Esteem Patterns

Codependents:

have difficulty making decisions,

judge their thoughts, words and actions harshly, as never being good enough,

are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts,

are unable to ask others to meet their needs or wants,

value other people's approval of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors over self-approval.

Also taken from the CoDA big book, page 4.

This list is a pretty good match for me. More to come. That's what is good about today.

Denial Patterns

Codependents:

have difficulty identifying feelings,

minimize, alter or deny their feelings,

perceive themselves as being completely unselfish,
dedicated to the well-being of others.

From Co-Dependents Anonymous, the 'big book', page 4.

What's good about today is recovery.