A really big thanks to all of you who posted support. Your hugs and compassion are a reminder to be patient with myself. A hopeful program note is that my CoDa mtg has sprouted an offshoot on Wednesday nights in addition to Saturday morning, I'm really looking forward to that.
And a very big thank you to Ed (A Principled Life) for reminding me about self will run riot. I'm not an alcoholic but I'm full of self will and it is a reminder that I need to accept reality on reality's terms. When I run faster to feel better I am like that hamster on the wheel, getting tired but easier to keep running than to stop the wheel and risk doing things differently.
Even having just written the above sentiments, my sick mind wants to call the shots and bargain. It says, just let me finish painting my room, okay let me finish painting the 4 rooms that I have planned, just let me keep slamming thru February until my sister comes, and then I'll do this and then I'll do that, let me work really long tomorrow so that next week will be better. Always short changing the present to 'take care' of the future.
What's good about today is that we're not all crazy at the same time.
3 hours ago