Not So Bad

Why must we keep learning things over and over?

I took care of myself today, took myself out to lunch at Las Olas, our very own New England taqueria. Yummy, fresh food. Kept me going through the afternoon. Taking good care of ourselves, what a concept!

As a fellow 12 stepper (hello, Hugh, where did you go?) said, 'why is it so hard to do the things that help us?'

What's good about today is that we get a new day to try it all again.

Oh, Yeah

I forgot I have an anxiety problem. Which means I have a fear problem and that means I have an anger problem. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I don't try hard enough or that I'm not 'fit' and I don't pray enough. I just forgot to attend to it and keep it up there in front of my vision. It is the filter that I view everything through.

If I know what I have, I can turn it over to a power greater than myself.

Somewhat Better

Part of my feel better campaign was to go to church. She (rector) said that we come for many reasons and that some of us want to feel better about ourselves and be happier and that Jesus, of course, was much more radical than that. Which made me feel even more sure that I am so not worthy since I am pretty self involved.

Anyway, I need to get over myself, I'll just keep praying and putting myself in holy places and be patient, trudge the road to happy destiny.

PS My vampire heroine, Zoey, died at the end of book #6 saving her human boyfriend and her Goddess markings disappeared, which is ominous.

What's Wrong With Me?

Feeling a weird today. Maybe it's reading too many vampire books, I'm polishing off a series on the 'summer reading for high school students' counter, written by a teacher and her daughter. Sort of a Hogwarts school for vampire training. This latest #5 or 6 centers around making good vs evil choices and I'm wigged out. My son is away a second night 'camping' and as much as I say I like it, anxiety & paralysis both slip in to me. I don't do much except zone out and read, maybe that is called relaxing. How come I feel close to a panic attack?

What's good about today is that soon it will be tomorrow.

Kindness is the Mightiest Force in the World, p299 ODAT

Well, it stopped raining.

I'm melancholy. I hate admitting that. Suffering is going on around me. The son may not be able to do college level work, according to his placement testing. He did not seem to be taking it too hard as he left for a camping trip yesterday.

Two of my friends would like to take my co-worker's job slot if she doesn't come back. They believe themselves to be suffering in their present jobs. The three of us were around a big table at a workshop yesterday. I realized that I need to stay neutral about this. Especially when seated feet away from them.

Have not heard from missing co-worker for over 12 weeks as she has extended FMLA, whatever is going on I don't believe is fun. Just randomly let me add that an acquaintance told me Sunday that a mutual acquaintance (her ex-partner) came very close to dying from a suicide attempt a few days before.

Suffering.

My mother getting shooed from the front doors of her nursing home. She is used to life ad lib and now wears an arm bracelet that beeps near exits. She blames my sister & brother in law for 'getting their revenge on me'.

Suffering. All life is suffering, isn't that the Buddhist wisdom? Let's practice kindness in what we do for we are so fragile, all of us.

A Whole New Life

Someone celebrating their anniversary used that phrase, "a whole new life", referring to learning to live in sobriety. I don't have sobriety to worry about but I agree that a spiritual awakening does lead to a new life. My thought is that I'm not so much in recovery as I'm in discovery.

What's good about today is that keeping an open heart lets in new awareness and joy.

Happiness Not By Accident But By Choice

Borrowed that subtitle from Garytude, his subtitle, my title-title.

This is the third incident that I have come across virtually the same message from different sources in the past two days. The common theme is that you cannot dwell on unhappy things. One source put it this way, 'banish unhappy thoughts from your mind'. I like that, in cognitive therapy terms it is called thought stoppage. So, if, just by chance I am beating myself up this weekend, at my first awareness, I stop that thought and substitute something else, usually a prayer or a sentence of gratitude.

I can use this strategy readily because I think most of my sad thoughts are delusional. They are incidents of forgetting that I am a bad judge of 'the truth' so I just give a mental burp and it's gone.

What's good about today is that I'm teachable. Again and again.

Oh Me, Oh My. Happy Saturday

I've felt 'out of it' today, couldn't wake up, did one little project, otherwise have hugged the couch with a book, snacking ALL day. Feeling nervous, anxious for no particular reason, am wondering if I am channeling some of my mother's anxiety, if I find out that they transferred her to the dementia unit today it will be more than coincidence.

Am not labeling this with negative stuff, just took me all day to realize that I could have prayed about it but I only just had the awareness.

This too shall pass. One thing that I've gained is that I don't take these uncomfortable times seriously, it turns on a dime. No mistakes in God's world.

Attitude

This has been my topic of choice in the last couple days. It never occurred that I could exercise some control over my day by using my attitude because I thought I was at the mercy of the situation I was in.

When work starts to get complicated and overwhelming I get anxious over the many issues that I can't control. But I can ask myself if this affects me today. Usually not. I can TAKE the attitude that I will only think about what is happening today AND I will not forget about my relationship with a higher power. That is where the power is, not in the material world.

What's good about today is that especially in the material world of disappointments, losses & ego, this too shall pass. And that's what's good about today.

Quite a Week

But a good week, I got all psyched reading Cat's blog about body building. I go to Planet Fitness at least twice a week, I approached it differently today, as if I needed to get FIT. Then went to the grocery store and bought protein foods--all vegetable, of course!

And I had some personal disappointments at work. And my mom is grieving the loss of her independence. That is hard for me to know. My poor sister has to witness it.

But, when all is said is done, I only have this moment in these surroundings. Today is always pretty good. I didn't take anything on that wasn't mine today. A program friend paid me a compliment this morning. It was the compliment of thanking me for saying my appreciation for her being there, she doesn't come around much.

You never know how you can affect someone else.

Oh Me, Oh, My

1) Did you hear that big clunking noise earlier today? It was the sound of my mother's heart dropping to her feet. My sister and her husband took Mom to the nursing home and left without her. Mom was not liking it. My sister and husband feel like turds. They did not tell her ahead of time which I can understand. I learned the hard way that Mom is capable of a one woman sit-in in matters much smaller than this.

2) How long is an 18 year old allowed to float without job or school? I know I'm jumping the gun so that's why I'm talking to you peeps, instead of real people, hee hee. I'm letting off a little steam. Maybe it's time for him to live with his dad. My ex fought down and dirty for him 10 years ago, it could be his turn, now.

What's good about today is talking to others and then listening.

Happy Sunday

Happy that my rector (just like saying that) & her partner are back from vacation on the Maine coast. I was telling someone the other day that I hadn't gone away for a long time. He thought it was because I'm content and I have to agree.

Happy that because of HOURS of painting, my deck and it's chairs look spiffy. They are further decorated by a bunch of plants that I picked up and will hope to weather over until spring. Nothing terribly exotic, coreopsis, yarrow, purple euphorbia, houtanyea, red penstemon, a couple of decorative grasses, one on each side of the door, I'm such a yuppie. Is that even a word anymore?

Happy that the conversation I overheard next door about the husband defending his drinking just stayed a conversation.

Happy that the neighbor noise factor, little girls SSSHHHRRRIIEEEEKKKING in the pool, the din of 70's music playing and the chainsaw was a little less today.

Happy that I stayed for coffee after church. I willed myself to do it. And was told by an acquaintance that she has gastric cancer to be operated on soon. That's why I need to show up.

So, I am happy that tomorrow dawns a new day, will reunite with my daily morning peeps and see how everyone is and take another stab at living one day at a time, being grateful and working my program.

Our (yes, you & I) Best Thinking

One of the statements at a meeting that I love to hear and love to repeat is that 'my best thinking got me here'. I usually add that it will keep me 'here' for decades to come.

My son has been out of town at a friend's house for a couple days. In the time that I haven't seen him, he probably hasn't signed up for classes, gotten a job or done much about that Selective Service item of mail that came last month.

He probably hasn't killed or robbed anyone, either. And you drivers in the Merrimac Valley are a little safer while he is without a license for another month.

So far, I can tell you that he is a more like his father than he is like me. One of the things that I thought of when I was divorcing his father was that he was bound to be sharper with a parent who didn't have to think a bit before telling you that 2X3 is 6 (not really 5 which is what first comes to his mind). Anyway, I'm not trashing his father, he has other good attributes. Just not enough of them.

Nature or nurture? They both have very slow natures. If something spills, they both have the same slow look at it, diffuse confusion on their faces . . . I confess that I don't know how long it would take for them to take action because I've already jumped for a paper towel.

My point is that I can plan whatever I want and my higher power is more and more amused. What's good about today is knowing that my will is just that. It may not be what's in the cards. Come on, by blog or comment, give me an example of your best thinking!

#1 Show Up

Just claiming my page. A point was made in a meeting this week about the importance of keeping routines. I'm a pretty random type so that does not instinctively make sense to me. But I'm seeing some of the benefits. It saves me from indecision, easier than making it up each day, easier to keep good (mental & physical) health routines.

What's good about today is staying in the process and taking the focus off the outcome.

Black and White, That's So Yesterday

Nice Alanon meeting tonight, my old home meeting. The chairwoman read something out of the bulletin about black and white thinking. It became the focus of her share and it resonated with me.

Lately, I've been much calmer, just letting people have their opinions, detaching with love, I guess. At work I can identify with them as they try to be the smart one, the experienced one or the powerful one. But I just feel like I'm passing through on my way in life, I focus on what I need to finish that day, keeping my head where my feet are.

Nothing is black and white anymore, or right and wrong. My hackles don't go up like they used to when I felt that someone was telling me that I was wrong. I'm not perfect but I do try to just take it in, let them know that I'll think about it or I gently set them straight if it is something simple. I've been able to leave my ego at the door.

The only way I can do this is if I start my day in a sacred place and end it with a prayer. The in between stuff is just details which I accept on those terms, tomorrow is another day with another story. The spiritual beginning and end to the day keep me right sized, the size of a human, just like ants on a anthill, humans on a human-hill.

My dirty little secret? I can practice this in meetings, at work or with neighbors. But, put me in a relationship or a stressful job and it's a tough road. I would like to practice this within a relationship some time. My appreciation goes out to all of you in a relationship, it's as tricky as it gets, I think.

What's good about today is knowing where some of my defects lay.

A Few Things

Those of you in Alanon (and those of you who should be!) will understand how hard it is to stand by while someone goes through their own pain. Well, to be honest, it may be more my pain than his. My son quit his job to take a landscaping job that was supposed to start this week. He hasn't heard from 'the guy'. I encouraged him to call him. He has told him that he has the job, it is certainly not too pushy to know when and where he starts.

Deep breath. I said it once and I said it kindly.

Same (only) son hasn't signed up for community college classes yet. Same son hasn't saved any money for court fines due in 4 weeks.

I have always liked the program slogan of saying it once, saying it more often is nagging. I think I said it more than once but I'm done giving advice. Consequences will come, won't be comfortable for either of us. Or, he will solve it in his own way. Either way spells a growing experience for HIM. Not really my business. My job is to love him and not demean him. That's easy enough. But without program, I'd be Jazzed with a capital J. With program, I am jazzed with a little j. Big difference.

Love to you all. When it's time to pray for others during the service, I pray for all my mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons and daughters. We are all connected and in this together, Blessed Be. And that is what is terrific about today.

K8PLD

Another cool day, under 80 degrees. As the stand in rector said today, think of Carolyn (minister) and Cindy vacationing in Maine basking in the fog.

I'm still painting, washing the car, washing the dog. Bless the neighbor's son, yesterday he took down a tree for me and a forsythia bush the size of a living room. I have to laugh because it looks like a tornado came through that corner of the property, leaf and small branch detritus on the ground and a big open area minus the eyesores.

It has been a great weekend of fixing one thing and then another. I will be glad to get back to work tomorrow and my morning meeting, a big source of my socialization. Other than nodding to church people and my son and I passing like ships, I didn't see anyone I knew this weekend.

Back to my peeps in the morning. Oh yes, and as for you peeps. I saw a car with ham radio license plates today. It made me nostalgic for growing up with my dad talking to people all over the world and always having K8PLD plates. I might need some vanity plates to keep it going, 'cuz I talk to people all over the world, too.

What's good about today is family, biological family, 12 step family, family of man and woman. We are all one. God help us to get to the point that all of us know that.