I don't remember where I read that the true historic interpretation of the word 'sin' is 'to miss the mark'. That is such a loving definition of this loaded word that I have to adopt it. To me, there is also the implicit meaning that one can pick oneself up, dust self off and try again which is also a loving piece of our program. And hopeful too.
In reading from the CoDA big book today in the Step Six section, it makes the statement that ''our character defects emerge to provide us a sense of power-false as it is." And also, "our defects of character may have served us well, even though they're destructive".
I've had decades of being 'want-less and need-less'. That was protective covering in a family where this was modeled. Stoicism was the goal, it showed that you were strong. I was the youngest by far, knew I was a mistake/burden and decided early on to go with the flow, to be strong, keep my head down and don't attract attention. Like the adults in my life.
It also served to provide a sense of power, I felt that I avoided hurt, it was about controlling everything that you could. It made me suspicious of other people, because if I had to be right then that meant that everyone else was wrong. I'm thankful that I no longer bear a grudge toward my family. No one could teach me what they did not know.
So now I can name it. Say it aloud. Pray for it to be removed. Stay in the day and know that my higher power provides for me, the world provides for me to grow and learn and I am right where I should be.
What's good about today is remembering that I swim in grace.
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