Lately I've been changing perception, playing with left brain/right brain stuff, looking at the space rather than the physical things. I cannot intensley focus on both at the same time. Part of me is into it, part of me is resisting change.
Self will run riot is not just doing too much. It can also be fighting change, holding on, turning off, resisting. As long as the flicker of energy/being has been alive in me, it has been accompanied by resistance just as deeply rooted.
When I took away my mental escape, my brain got furious, no place to turn away from the civil war. I had prayed my self back into feeling better last week, after a day of that I told God that it was okay, that I could take some more, that I recognized that the pain was a gift and that I needed it in order to have something to work with. And he/she/them/it gave it back to me.
Although I live about 40 miles outside of Boston I'm not enthused about the 'Teddy' testimonies and the family Kennedy dynasty. As someone pointed out on another blog, he was involved in a woman's death that was not thoroughly investigated. Several of the men throughout the extended family have been close to the scene of other women's deaths.
That's great that he was an effective polititian, there are countless other public servants who suit up every day and pull their weight as well. There is no person greater than another. Whatever secrets he had, they went with him.
What's good about today is that possibly we are less blinded by fame and money.
I want to mix it up a bit, my routines. The blog doesn't allow for give and take conversations which I require right now. I may be back tomorrow or next week, I don't have a plan. If you have a thought about this, please e-mail me at email@example.com or leave a comment in the usual manner.
(see DdAAve comment yesterday) and have a host of other things for which I am grateful. I make a point to tell people that I appreciate them and do service inside/outside the program with a willing heart. I'm blessed with belief in a higher power and the companion ship (I like that misspelling) of others. Even before program I felt ashamed when falling into a slump because I have so much to be grateful for.
Part of my confusing funk is that I haven't been able to name it. Other than curtailing my reading, there hasn't been any change in my life. Only one crying spell today. My phone buddy, and this is why I love her, thinks it is a sign of wisdom that my distress has no story attached to it. It certainly is a power greater than myself and calls the shots.
Too many uses of the word 'I' so will finish up. An old psych axiom is to beware of the patient who gets well too fast. What's good about today is that I can take my time.
That site that I mentioned yesterday is www.knowingspirit.org . Sorry about that, hope that works better.
I'm doing all the feeling miserable things, not sleeping, crying when the least provoked, struggling to stay in the present, swearing without restraint, contemplating the need for professional help (fuck no!) and hating my existence as well as everyone else's.
But I'm doing positive stuff too. Refraining from excess eating/drinking/isolating/TV-ing/diving into fiction. I went to morning meeting for the first time in weeks, took myself to a tidal inlet for a picnic lunch and went for 2+mile walk after work (yahoo, the heat broke and went away). I called my CoDA phone buddy and I will continue to do the stupid (I'm a little pissy, ok?) constructive trudging along AS IF my head will get better and will thank me for it later.
Enough of me, I'm sick of me. I'm glad for your comments, sheepish that someone would address me as a soulmate!
I guess what's good about today is that even when we feel like scum on a pond, there are those who look at us with God eyes and see only promise and perfect imperfection. La di dah.
Still feeling tortured, somewhat detached from it but mostly uncomfortable. I read a LITTLE Gary Zukov inspirational stuff yesterday. Any little bits I read, I skim real fast, as if I'm on a diet and am sneaking bites in the kitchen. Gary is telling us to think of ourselves as separated from the mother ship during our earthly journey-it's skimmable.
God gave me a little boy because God knows that screamin little girls take me around the bend, there is one next door, or maybe it is the sound of my own hamster wheel squeaking as I run and run.
This may be one of those times in my life that acceptance hasn't caught up with my awareness. What it all comes down to is that I'm stuck with me. Everything about me is acceptable to my higher power but I'm slow to catch up because I'm seeing it from another angle and I want to change it quick, buy my way out, change the channel. I want to co-opt onto another me, something 'more' authentic.
That's a laugh, isn't it. I'm stuck with AUTHENTIC. What else would I be after 5/five/cinco decades of this-ness? I'm so authentic that I'm fossilizing (a little self-pity, allow me a moment, fellow recovery bloggers) into distilled Carol.
God's Grace, God's Grace. I pray for God's Grace to be revealed to me. And I want it NOW.
What's good about today is humor, friends to call, friends to blog, program to draw upon, honesty about the painful hours that we share. Right now, I'm going to get off my rusty dusty, do something and get out of the house.
"We gobble the words of others rather than digest our own thoughts and feelings, rather than cook up something of our own." Julia Cameron
I am a toddler running around deprived of a pacifier. Went to my morning meeting, decided to leave during the meeting after the meeting, sick of hearing the same crap. Sick of my own crap. Might take myself to see a movie today. Even if it is someone else's words.
What is good about today is that I can tolerate discomfort in the pursuit of something better.
Missed my chance to write yesterday as my son was working the bugs out of my computer and fell asleep while something was downloading. Not one to interrupt a genius at work, decided to leave it go for a day.
Haven't caught up on posts yet but enjoyed your comments, thanks for telling me what nightwatch means-I can stop envisioning people on street corners with night vision goggles. AND, I may have to take up the new 'conk your head, get some Staples money, do it again' method of getting a new computer. Honestly, even with son's hard work, it takes me more effort to get in, get back in, etc than I spend on time on line. All right, all right, I exaggerate, call it the Friday giddiness.
aADave (I don't spell it right if I'm not looking at it) asked what's wrong with reading a couple days ago. Personally, I have decades of practice hiding in it, just like some people with TV or video games, I can spend hours of the day numbing out. Granted it is a victimless crime, not as unhealthy as numbing out with vodka or porn probably.
And guess who knows this? Julia Cameron, recovering alcoholic, successful writer of many things including The Artist's Way, A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. I've played with the book (bookbookbook, of course I know the book) before but don't remember page 87 where she proposes READING DEPRIVATION she describes as
'casts us into our inner silence, a space some of us begin to immediately fill with new words--long, gossipy conversations, television binging, the radio as a constant, chatty companion . . . we often cannot hear our own inner voice . . . even thinking about it (not reading) can bring up enormous rage . . . we gobble the words of others rather than digest our own thoughts and feelings.'
Food for Thought. During the last couple days I have tried reading less often for shorter intervals and I can hardly stand it. She calls it an addiction.
We do not want to do the things that will help us, heard at a AA mtg by a gentleman who did not stay too long. What's good about today is that there is not only abundance all around us but also wisdom if we can hear it.
Freedom to take care of myself. I enjoyed your blogs. Particularly liked aadave's comment to Steve about how to afford a new computer.
I'm gonna go turn on the air, take a couple Tums (could be the milk that made my tongue tingle) and some favorite reading material and relax. Taking care of myself, in the moment, that's what's good about today.
These last couple weeks I'm noticing how much anxiety I have. Maybe that's one reason I gravitate to alcoholics, I resonate with the anxiety. I notice how much I seek relief. Granted, it is with things that only hurt myself, food, reading etc. It's Cadillac problems, I know, but I can hardly believe how much anxiety/fear I have.
On the surface I don't come across that way but it's just my defence to act as if I'm calm. You guys probably sense my anxiety, I would think, in the way that I over-process stuff.
Well, I've said it out loud, I've asked God (Go-Out-Doors?) to help me. Signing out . . .
Someone at one of my meetings talked a little about her shame around a family member's death. Another member pointed out how lucky we are to live in an age where there are program such as ours, bereavement groups and a host of other venues where people can share their uncomfortable feelings. Just a few decades ago, people were lucky if they had an understanding friend, family member or clergyman who could hear difficult things and empathize. Even now, of course, there are those like my sister who suffered with cancer but chose not to talk 'to strangers' about her journey.
When I started nursing school in the late 1970s the word cancer was still a shameful thing, not to be mentioned in conversation. What's good about today is that we can make choices about privacy and disclosure.
There are a number of things that I want to do at the same time and I cannot choose where to start,
nap (seeking relief) look at art book practice drawing grocery list make soup (still too hot) pick up outside-too hot pick up inside-too hot read a book (seeking relief) continue eating kisses-ditto
What I have done since driving home from Sat double duty mtg
wrote out amends (this happened 2 years ago) which will not be sent because leaving lover's house when they're upset is okay when it's the middle of the night and they are yelling at you and won't let you sleep, sometimes when compassion fails it is because assertiveness/self preservation has raised it's head
ate first tomato sandwich of the season
loved up dog and clipped fur mattedness off of him
checked out Meet Up website for Reiki one tomorrow that an acquaintance invited me to attend
also looked into Artist's Way meet ups of which there are none nearby
wrote my blog and tried to combat my feeling that I waste a lot of time.
There will always be more things that I am interested in than what I can accomplish. Could be ego taking over trying to convince me that the more I do, the bigger I am. Down ego, bad dog!
What's good about today is that the answer to almost everything is gratitude and acceptance. Neither require money, special equipment or planning. Just practice.
Who or whatever created nights and mornings did it right. Even though I've stuck with going to bed at 11pm, I've been waking between 2 and 3am. typically I'm awake for an hour or two, tossing and turning. I use all the centering tricks that I can think of with only mild effect.
Then I wake up a couple hours later, refreshed. Not great but certainly vastly improved. I'm calm, not worried about anything in particular. What a good system our bodies have.
What's good about today is gratitude for things, big and small.
Speaking of gratitude, I made a little joke when I shared at my Alanon meeting. It dropped like a bomb :-)
I mentioned the saying 'a grateful heart will never drink'. The topic was irritability. I said maybe we could adopt the saying 'a grateful heart will never bitch'. Not ONE SINGLE CHUCKLE or shared eye contact.
But I like it. Have been saying it all week when I catch myself indulging in the poor me's. It turns my attitude around on a dime, I tell you.
Just noticing when I start feeling less than serene, trying to freeze frame it, stay REALLY in the moment, ask myself what button is getting pushed, can I tolerate the feeling, do I need to hold on to that button anymore or can I toss it into the breeze.
Just noticing when I start looking for relief. Why do I need relief, what is it that I don't want to face, can I come up with it or is it swirling around under the surface.
It all unfolds. Part of the paradox is that as I get more peaceful, the more a period of unrest gets noticed, it casts a bigger ripple on the calm pond.
Just claiming my seat/keyboard. Gratitude List today includes
1) after you work awhile, you get to go home 2) the weather changes as often as my frame of mind, perhaps there are winds that circulate through my brain 3) that it is just an ordinary day despite it's minute terrors (I was in charge of the bldg again) with just ordinary me making ordinary decisions, plodding along, why not? 4) that I have a meeting to go to tonight, will likely end up chairing as it is a mtg that is waning, it has always been cyclical; I can go there with the attitude that I might have something of value to share rather than the attitude of hoping that there is something that I will gain 5) that I had two phone msgs waiting for me from people hoping to get together soon, people who enjoy my company, that feels good at any age
What's good about today is that I realize that I have choices every minute that I'm conscious.
1) I better write fast because my system is on and off again, I think that I re-booted 3 or 4 times just to read blogs and catch up on email.
2) I was going approx the speed limit yesterday, got tailgated mercilessly by a young woman who passed me as soon as we got to a broken yellow line. Within seconds a gentleman driving towards me all but hung out of his window urging me to slow down, slow down & blinking his lights off and on. Yes, there was a cop ahead and no he did not pull the woman over because he was pulled into someone's driveway.
I laughed because I've never had such opposing opinions on how fast I should drive when I was just driving the speed limit.
3) I was affected by what I heard yesterday on one of the Healing Your Spirit radio shows. She remarked that in a personal relationship sometimes one loses one's compassion for the other. I thought that was so beautifully, elegantly put.
With that in mind, I am thinking about writing an amends, putting it away for a couple days and then possibly sending it to someone who I haven't spoken to in 2 years. I need help in letting it go and this may help me.
What's good about today is that the world is abundant for those with open hearts and minds.
1) Remembered that someone from Sat mtg has mentioned starting a CoDA meeting on Wed night, I must support the heck out of it.
2) Will order Anthony De Mello books from library.
3) Found Spirit and Soul Spirit radio stations on the 'net, very nice.
4) Made a bunch of yummy food today.
5) Made myself stay up until 11 last night, presto change-o a good night's sleep.
6) Ordered plane/hotel reservations for Winter Games in Vancouver as birthday/high school graduation/don't even ask for anything else present in Feb for my son and I. We think that we are way cool.
7) The very last thing of the weekend is to do a couple drawing exercises. Why is it hard to do the things that will help us?
What's good about today is that I can notice things and let them go. There is a quote from a Frenchman (Cloudia, help me out here) that goes something like, 'let me be peaceful and orderly in my daily life that I might be courageous and dynamic in my work'. A writer or an artist, I think.
He'd probably also wish you peace and love, as do I.
I did go. I took off early from home, located a fancy grocery store to see if they had a goody that I needed. Overshot the meeting place to take a walk around an old fort (that's f-o-r-t) by the ocean.
Seeing the water really helped, the route that I took was much nicer than the mega highway. So, it wasn't about a martyred drive down a soulless road. I got to my meeting and I got to have some new experiences too and also found a new way to get there that passes by ocean. How lucky am I?
'I may not practice my program perfectly but I always have my program' is somewhat how one of my favorite Alanon quotes go, it is on the Just For Today bookmark. It's good to invoke when I'm falling away from meetings or otherwise tweaking it.
I'm having trouble getting my mojo up for the Sat am meeting, it is a super mtg but an hour away with a step mtg after and so I generally get home at 1pm. An excellent mtg but it has trade-offs. Like getting up with my son and doing nice early morning walking etc. Sleeping in. Hmmm. By making phone contact a couple times a week with my buddy from that mtg I keep the juice going. Hmmm. Last Saturday, I was feeling the resentment about the ride, counted over 20 stops/traffic lights on the trip. Hmmm.
I don't know. Guess I'll get up and see what I want to do. Cadillac problems, how nice. That's what is good about today.
Syd's post got me thinking about solitude/isolation. For me the difference is my internal thought processes. Say that I have a day off from work during the week. It can be solitude or isolating once I've chosen not to fill it with errands and agenda.
It can feel isolating if my thoughts are 'other' centered. As in wondering what others are doing or thinking, comparing myself to others, thinking about my past with others, worrying about my future. Ego centered mess between my ears.
If I'm essentially alone for the day but my thoughts are of gratitude, I get into something that needs organizing or simplifying, I spend some time in prayer or otherwise attending to simple essentials that support or nurture me like taking a walk or talking things over with the dog. That feels like solitude but also being part of the universe.
So, to me (this post is making me think, bringing me along) maybe isolating equates to struggle and solitude equates to acceptance. Hey, it's just words, I think we all know what we mean!
What's good about today is talking things over with you and getting to hear your comments, have a great rest of the day.
What a day! A list of things to be grateful for . . .
1)After 90 minutes, my son managed to hook up the wireless router so that my lap top can truly be a lap top and so I do not have to be connected in this funny little room at the top of the stairs that is hot and stuffy.
2)I started the day at 6am with my phone phobic friend placing a call TO ME. While I greeted her, I opened a gallon of milk to pour into my coffee which instantly curdled, started over again with powdered milk from the cupboard and knocked over 6 spice jars which fell onto the counter. She seemed to think that she caught me at a bad moment (I wasn't swearing!) and wanted to get right off the phone but I wouldn't let her and we had a good talk.
3)A co-worker trusted me to read some work that he has done on a novel.
4)My son says he saw ____, 'our alcoholic', in the next town helping an older woman into a bank. I broke up with her in 2003 and he has never wanted to talk about her or acknowledge the part she played in our lives. He said he hung back, out of sight. I probably would have done the same even though every day my mind touches on her.
What's good about today is that the mystery unfolds whether I like it or not!
It's the theme of the day. I had a dream last night that involved trying to get to my morning meeting. First, I arrived early, only saw one other early bird there, the undeclared leader who made a comment because I was half naked. Yes, there I was ready for the meeting unclothed from the waist up! I was embarrassed, trying to cover up with my arms and left before anyone else came into the room. And the dream was a little more low key after that.
I had gone to bed last night connecting with how alone I feel. Not self-pity, not forgetting my higher power, just the fact of living with a son ready to leave the nest, going to work beside someone who doesn't make eye contact until lunchtime. Basically, no personal contact unless I make it happen. So, reaching out is what I do. And I did call my CoDA phone buddy and share my feelings and my dream.
And I did read today's page from Language of Letting Go which encourages deep sharing with others in order nurture relationships.
And I did share at the morning meeting, continuing a theme I heard of loneliness woven through the 20 or so shares that went ahead of me.
And I will continue to share in my Alanon mtg tonight. My vulnerability, my strength, my experience, my hope, my nakedness :)
What's good about today is that every awareness is progress.
What a calm day when I mind my own business, stay in the moment, keep an open heart to myself and others and pray with a grateful heart. I'm playing with drawing most days, writing most days and thoughtful about food, drink and exercise.
And so I plod/march along. Resting on the shoulders of those who have gone before me. Those in program. Those who grew my food. Those who built my house.
Just a note to say that my own personal program these days includes three ingredients which include walking, writing and art. Art is new/old for me and boy do I want to avoid it. And please, take it for granted that I pray.
Other peoples words . . . you all must beg, buy or steal the latest issue of The Sun Magazine (photos and written work submitted from all walks of life, NO advertising whatsoever) because one of the themes is nonordinary states of consciousness. There is an excerpt from a book entitled Seth Speaks written by Jane Roberts, Seth is a male personality claiming to speak from an adjacent plane (stick with me!) of existence . . .
The ego is a jealous god, and it wants it's interests served. It does not want to admit the reality of any dimensions except those within which it feels comfortable and can understand. It was meant to be an aid, but it has been allowed to become a tyrant. Even so, it is much more resilient and eager to learn than is generally supposed. It is not natively as rigid as it seems. Its curiosity can be a great value.
The whole issue is great. And that is what is good about today.
Good news today from Melody in Lang'ge of Letting Go . . . Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life . . . it turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing and mistakes into important events. . . today I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.
'Nuff said, I'm going out into the day with a grateful heart and hope that you have one too!