Sunday, May 3, 2009

Gettin' Personal

My step meeting is finishing up Step 9, there were five of us, stalwart souls on a lovely late Saturday morning. We were alternately reading aloud and sharing. One of us had talked about ducking a few phone calls from an un-favorite sister regarding their mother. After the meeting, she asked for honest feedback . . . did she owe an amend for not addressing the calls or was she using self care to protect herself at that time? (I voted for the explanation self care.)

This morning I am thinking of an ex-sweetie. Two years ago we were in a downward spiral at the end of 6 months. The relationship looked good on the outside, lots of activities/sex/time together but my insides were starting to churn when the weekend was approaching. There was an hour+ ride between us so we tended to spend 24 hrs or so together on the weekends and keep up by phone during the week. Anyway, I was becoming aware (1st step!) that she (whew, coming out!) would have a meltdown/recover and own it almost every time we were together. My insides were starting to back pedal at the thought of spending more time together and we had one final bad day/night and I wrote her a Dear John (Joan?) letter.

So, I caught myself wanting to send her an amends this morning and then I realized that I just wanted her to think well of me (beyond my control, I will be in CoDA forever due to this PERVASIVE way of thinking!) and (my ego, my ego) perhaps entice her into contacting me, paying some attention to me.

But here is the upside. She came to mind as I was enjoying my first cup of coffee on a beautiful Sunday morning. I had the thought that as good as that coffee is, the pleasure is doubled when you have someone with which to share it. And I thought about the healthy couples that I know that would be pouring it for each other. So, little by little (I'm glad that you cannot see my tearful face right now, please look at the nebula to your right instead!), I am becoming more ready to welcome a new someone into my life. I can see myself as a growing, changing human being instead of someone who needs 'fixing'. And that is what is good about today.

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