Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Learning About My Fear

Well, I'm mystified. I think I lost a comment and I guess I didn't post yesterday. I would have testified under oath that I posted yesterday, so there you go, my best thinking would have been wrong.

My brain was spinning yesterday. I'm still thinking about Mr SponsorPants post on the Buddha jumping in the pool (paraphrasing here) and what it means to me is that you can be as enlightened as possible but if you jump into the pool, you get wet, you don't stay dry.

It was a timely post because I had been at work thinking that for being a fear based person (in recovery) I work in a heavily regulated, fear based industry. Compounding that, I have a fear based administrator (she could see risk in butterflies, I tell you) for a company that has undergone massive change in the last 2 years and thrown many, many new expectations our way.

Returning to the pool analogy, I think I'm getting wet. I'm in a deep pool. Did I tell you that I can barely swim? There's something about my feet leaving terra firma that I don't like. And water in my orifices, I've never been crazy about that either.

The old me would have jumped into FIX IT mode. As in climb out of the deep water. But I'm staying in awareness right now. What part is mine, what part is my environment, can I tolerate uncertainty and being found wrong, what is the worst that can happen and can I be healthy enough to pick myself up and dust myself off? What part is enjoyable, is it self care and learning the lessons if I stay or I go?

Paradoxically it was a calmer day for me even though I was at a company workshop telling us what the newest expectations are. I got a good start on the day by first going to the morning meeting and then was able to take the workshop with some sense of detachment, paid attention but didn't get too anxious. Sat in the back and had my knitting out (they can't fire me, nobody wants my job) most of the day. I'm a little ballsy that way :)

What's good about today is that I can step back, bide my time and pick my fights.


  1. I can just see you sitting at your job knitting away in defiance of everyone. Ha, ha! Too funny!

  2. I love remembering as I read how changes come slowly into our lives and how we become aware of how different we are now as opposed to then...

  3. So THAT'S where I always screwed up--picking my fights. Good, I could "pick" them...but I was not GOOD at picking them. Ergo, bad!

    Still sober!